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Thursday, August 9, 2012

BOOK II - CHAPTER XIII - Christian and Anastasia FanFiction


Yet leave me not; yet, if thou wilt, be free;
Love me no more, but love my love of thee.
*

CHAPTER XIII

* Algernon Charles Swinburne (from his poem – EROTION)

Anastasia turns and asks me if I talked to Elena today.

“Yes,” I reply.

“What did you say?” she asks curiously. It’s not necessary to tell her how furious I was with Elena; because I don’t want to further feed her anger towards Elena.

“I said that you didn’t want to see her, and told her that I understood your reasons. I also made it clear to her that I didn’t appreciate her going behind my back to contact you,” I tell her with an impassive face. I am nervous at how she might react, because when Elena’s name comes up, Anastasia reacts as if she stepped on live wire. 

“What did she say?” (←Don’t Mess With My Man by Nivea) 
 
“She brushed it off like Elena would,” I say. It is true that Elena did try to brush it off, but I was already having a very shitty day thanks to Anastasia here, so, Elena actually got stuck in the shit storm coming from me. Anastasia’s eyes scrutinize my face. My lips give the smallest crook which doesn’t translate into a smile, but then she has this effect on me which makes me want to grin at her most the time. 

“Why do you think she’s here now?” she asks concerned that maybe this has something to do with my conversation with her. I’m wondering that too. 

“I have actually no idea,” I say shrugging. 

Taylor comes back into the living room with Elena in tow, and he announces “Mrs. Lincoln.” I don’t think Taylor likes Elena, being the professional he is, he doesn’t give much away. 

Elena is in her usual all black attire: black jeans that are just like a second skin on her legs, a black body hugging shirt, and her signature well groomed blonde hair.  

As Elena enters into the room, I automatically pull Anastasia into my arms protectively; ready to shield her from anyone who dares to come in her proximity. “Elena,” I greet her, still puzzled with her presence here. She must have assumed that what she had witnessed before a show before, because when she sees my arms all wrapped around Anastasia her mouth drops open, and in fact I see Taylor gleefully restraining himself from helping her lift her jaw off the floor as he’s exiting the door. He’s amused I notice, and frankly, so am I. Elena manages to blink herself into her I’m-now-back-in-control face and softens her voice couple of notches. 

“I’m sorry Christian. I didn’t realize you had company with you. It is Monday,” she says as if this will explain her visit. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday: Anastasia is my girlfriend 24/7 around the clock. So, Monday wouldn’t make a jack shit difference. Anastasia is not my sub! But I have the greatest pleasure of announcing her that Anastasia is my “Girlfriend.” Saying that out loud to her in Anastasia and Elena’s presence gives me great pleasure, and I smirk.  Of course Elena smiles back, and only at me. 

“Of course, Christian. Hello, Anastasia. I didn’t know you’d be here. I know you don’t want to talk to me and I accept that,” she says to Ana.

“Do you?” asks Anastasia quietly, in a cold steady tone, her gaze is boring into Elena. Her completely in control demeanor takes me by surprise, and I think Elena is shocked as well because she takes a few steps back as if she’s shoved away.

“Yes, I get the message. I’m not here to see you. As I said, Christian rarely has company during the week,” she says, and explains, “I have a problem, and I would like to talk to Christian about it.”

This is news, and actually a welcome distraction with her friction between Anastasia. “Really?” I ask my curiosity piqued. “Do you want a drink?” I ask finding my manners after scolding her today.

“Yes, please,” she replies with a welcome sound. She must have thought I was going to kick her out. I walk to get her a drink, grab some wine glasses while leaving Anastasia and Elena alone in the living room for a minute. Elena finally walks to the kitchen island, and sits on the bar stool where she usually claims her seat. When I turn with glasses and bottle of wine, Anastasia scoots on the bar stool I vacated. I put a glass before Elena and Anastasia and pour them wine. 

“What’s up?” I ask Elena without a preamble. 

Elena is nervous, because she wants privacy, and Anastasia’s presence is unwelcome for her. She doesn’t have to say in words; I know Elena so well, I can read the thought in her face no matter how hard she tries to hide it. It’s time to nip it in the bud. She needs to understand that Anastasia isn’t a sub; she isn’t ordinary. She’s my girlfriend. I reach out to Anastasia’s hand and clasp it before Elena’s widening gaze. There’s no one like Anastasia; no one is her equal in my eyes. (←No One Like You by Scorpions) 

“Anastasia’s with me now,” I say to her in a tone she understands well: Deal with it! Anastasia’s eyes widen, grateful. Elena’s face changes into a soft tone. She was the first one to tell me I was in love with Anastasia. It is that look that says she’s pleased and happy for me. Anastasia flushes. 

Elena finally nods, accepting. Because my words, demeanor and stance all indicate to her that she either speaks to me in Anastasia’s presence or she can leave. I want Anastasia to see that I have nothing to hide from her. Elena looks very nervous. She starts looking at her hands, and starts twisting the silver ring on her middle finger over and over again like it will provide her the answer she is seeking. I haven’t seen like this often – Elena, not knowing what to do about something. She’s always in control, always cool, calm, and collected. After fidgeting her in her seat a little more, she figures out that the silver ring in her middle finger won’t be providing her with the answers she’s seeking; she finally lifts her head up, assumes her ‘in-control’ of her emotions demeanor and looks at me squarely in the eye.

“I’m being blackmailed,” she states flatly. About what? But, I have a feeling of what it might be about. I stiffen immediately. The only thing that is against her is what she had with me. Her lifestyle is not illegal... but yet, she wouldn’t want to make it public...

“How?” I ask with horror clearly lacing my voice.

Elena reaches into her Louis Vuitton bag a takes out a note and tries to hand it to me. I shake my head.

“No, put it down, and lay it out on the breakfast counter,” I say surprising Elena.

“You don’t want to touch it?” she asks confused.

“Of course not. Fingerprints,” I say by the way of explanation.

“But, Christian, you know I can’t go to police with this,” she says. She opens up the note and I lean down to read it. But the amount they’re asking for surprises me. 

“They’re only asking for five thousand Dollars. Do you have any idea who it might be? Maybe someone in the community?” I ask Elena.

“No idea,” she answers softly.

“Could it be Linc?” I ask indicating her ex-husband, who after all beat the shit out of her after he discovered her illicit affair with me.

“What? After all this time? I don’t think so,” she says grouchily. 

“How about Isaac – does he know?” I ask about her current submissive.

“I haven’t told him,” she replies. 

“I think he needs to know,” I respond, because if Elena’s lifestyle is going to be laid bare, so would Isaac’s. He has a right to know. Elena shakes her head. Anastasia tries to pull her hand away from me. Why? Is she mad? I hold it tighter, unwilling to let it go. She pulls again. I grasp once more in a tight hold and turn to look at her questioning.

“What?” I ask.

“I’m tired, Christian. I think I’ll go to bed,” she says. I assess her face. Is she angry? Sad? Hostile? Accepting? Her face is impassive, expressionless, but her eyes contain just the trace amount of jealousy. 

“Okay. I won’t be long,” I say reassuring her, I release her hand. Anastasia stands up to go to the bedroom, and Elena follows her movements with wary eyes, but Anastasia says nothing.

“Goodnight, Anastasia,” says Elena with a polite smile.

“Goodnight,” grumbles Anastasia in a forced, cold voice as if she’s radiating tension. That’s what she’s been hiding behind the impassive face. 

When Anastasia leaves the room, I turn to Elena and tell her exactly what is going through my mind. 

“I don’t think there’s a great deal I can do, Elena. If it’s a question of money...” I say the thought hanging in the air. It’s not a lot of money to begin with as they’re asking only five thousand dollars. Is this someone’s idea of a joke, or are they trying to taunt her? “I could ask Welch to investigate this,” I say, and this is the best I can do for this problem. 

“No need, Christian. I just wanted to share,” she says. Of course she’s got a name to protect. But what she says next changes the topic.

“You look...” she says pausing as if to find the right words to say to me, “look very happy.” That about sums it.

“Yes, I am,” I reply truthfully.

“You deserve to be happy,” she says. 

“I wish it were true,” I say sadly. Her face changes to one of patronizing. 

“Christian! Does she know how negative you are about yourself?” she asks scolding. “About all your issues...” she adds raising her eyebrows significantly. But it is more than a question. It’s a challenge. Is Anastasia just a sexual partner, or more?

“She knows me better than anyone,” I say to let her make the distinction on her own. 

“Ouch! That hurts,” she comments. I was right; she was indicating that she knew me better than anyone else.
“It’s the plain truth Elena. I don’t have to play games with her. And I mean it; you need to leave her alone,” I say boring into her eyes, drilling this.

“What’s her problem?” she asks as if there is something wrong with Anastasia for not wanting to hang out with her and swap recipes – if Elena cooked that is. 

“You are...What we were...what we did. She doesn’t understand that.” 

“Then make her understand, Christian,” she insists. The audacity!

“Elena, that’s the past. Why would I want to make her understand and taint her with our fuckedup relationship? Anastasia isn’t like that – she’s incredibly sweet, and good,” I say and sigh with an immediate longing for her though she’s in the same house. That doesn’t escape Elena’s shrewd gaze. And still in awe of the fact of Anastasia’s love for me, I add, “and by some miracle she loves me.”  And I’m head over heels in love with her! (←Head Over Heels by Fears For Fears) 
 
“It is no miracle Christian,” Elena chides me. “You really have to have a little faith in yourself. You truly are quite a catch. I’ve told you this often,” she says and looks in the direction of my bedroom. “Anastasia seems lovely too. She seems strong,” she says probably remembering how Anastasia gave her what’s for in the fundraising. “She seems like someone to stand up to you.”

I smile at how she drove me crazy all day, going toe to toe with me. Standing up to me? She’s a life force to be reckoned with.

“Yes, she’s large and in charge.”

“Don’t you miss it?” Elena asks raising her eyebrows.

“What?” I snap.

“Your playroom,” she asks. Why would she ask about that, and why the fuck is this any of her business?
“That is really none of your fucking business, Elena,” I snap at her, my eyes going dark. She’s trying to take charge of my life, and I don’t like it one bit. She retreats right away.
“I’m sorry,” she says in the most insincere fashion. She’s just testing her boundaries like a predator. Checking for that chink in the armor. I have to nip it in the bud.
“I think you had better go. And from now on, please call before you come again,” I glare at her wanting her to leave.
“I really am sorry, Christian,” she says this time finally meaning what she says. “Since when are you so sensitive?” she censures me. This has gone far enough. I don’t want Elena talking about Anastasia as if she’s a sub, or as if she’s someone who can be replaced. My playroom is not more important than Anastasia. She’s the most important thing in my life!

“Elena, what you and I have now is a business relationship which clearly has profited both of us immensely. Let’s just keep it that way. What we had,” I say emphasizing in the past tense, “between us is now part of the past. Anastasia is my future. I won’t jeopardize it in anyway, so cut the fucking crap!” I say making it clear that Anastasia is her off limits.

“I see,” she says blandly, but these two words have finally the understanding what I have been trying to drill into her all along. 

“Look... I’m sorry for your current trouble. Maybe you should just ride it out and call them on their bluff,” I say softening blow. But Elena’s mind is elsewhere. 

“I don’t want to lose you Christian,” she says softly. Is she coming on to me?

“I’m not yours to lose Elena!” I snap, seething with anger.

“That’s not what I meant,” she tries to correct herself, but I know Elena all too well.

“What did you mean then? Enlighten me,” I say my anger not receding. 

“Look Christian, I’m not going to argue with you. Your friendship means a lot to me. I’ll back off from Anastasia, but I’m here for you if you need me,” she says looking into my eyes intently. “I always will be,” she adds firmly. 

“Anastasia thinks that you saw me last Saturday,” I say remembering that Elena lied to her. “You just called, that’s all. Why did you tell her otherwise?” I probe.

“I only wanted her to know how upset you were when she left you. I don’t want her to hurt you,” she says.
“She knows. I’ve told her about it. Stop interfering in my relationship. God, you’re like a mother hen,” I say exasperated. 

“I know, and I’m sorry about that. You must know I care about you. I never thought you’d end up falling in love Christian. But it is very gratifying to see. On the other hand, I couldn’t bear to see if she hurt you,” she says concern lacing her voice.

“I’ll take my chances,” I say still not willing to let her butt in. “Now, are you sure you don’t want Welch to sniff around this?”

“I guess it wouldn’t do any harm,” she says sighing. 

“Alright. I’ll call Welch in the morning,” I say getting up, wanting her to leave.

“Thank you Christian,” she says, getting up. “And, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. I’ll go now, and next time I’ll call,” she adds.

“Good,” I say firmly.

I lead Elena out of the penthouse, and make my way back to my bedroom hastily, concerned about Anastasia. When I get back to my bedroom Anastasia is sitting on my bed.

“She’s gone,” I say softly and warily, trying to assess what she’s thinking. Is she mad?

She looks up at me, and what she says surprises me. “Will you tell me about her? I’m just trying to comprehend why you think she helped you,” she says, and pauses before she completes her thought. “I do loathe her, Christian. I believe she caused you untold damage. You have no friends; did she keep them away from you?” she asks. 

Two exasperating women in one night are too much to handle. I run my hand through my hair; I just want to groan! Argh!

“Why the fuck do you want to know about her?” I say angrily. “We had a very long standing affair, she beat the shit out of me very often, and I fucked her in all sorts of ways you can’t even imagine. That’s the end of the story,” I say in one breath, getting angrier by the minute. 

Blood drains out of Anastasia’s face. She swallows. She’s surprised and blinks. “Why are you so angry at me?”

“Because all that shit is OVER!” I shout at her angrily, willing her to fucking understand. Fuck! I’m losing it with her! She blanches, checking out. She looks down at her hands, so tightly knotted, blood draining out of them, paling. I don’t want to hide anything from her. I just don’t want her to focus on my past too much which she clearly hates. 

I finally calm down, and sit beside her. “What do you want to know?” I ask warily.

She shakes her head withdrawn, “It’s alright. You don’t have to tell me. I don’t mean to intrude,” she says softly. 

It’s not about intrusion; it’s how my past and my future is crashing into each other, and I’m the one who is going to get hurt in this collision, possibly by losing her. 

“It’s not that Anastasia. I really hate talking about this shit, because I’ve lived in a bubble for years with nothing affecting me. I didn’t have to justify myself to anyone. And, Elena has been there as a confidante. But now my past and my future are colliding in a way I never thought possible,” I say, emotionally exhausted. Her gaze comes up to meet my wary eyes. 

“I never thought I would have a future with anyone, Anastasia. Yet, you give me hope and have me thinking about all sorts of possibilities,” I say drifting. Some of which I don’t have the heart to convey to her. It’s beyond living together. It’s more...like in the line of forever. (←Colorblind by Counting Crows) 
 
“I was listening,” she says embarrassed, staring back down to her hands. 

“Listening to what? You mean to our conversation?” I ask.

“Yes,” she replies softly.

“Well?” I ask finally resigned. What did she think of what she heard?

“She cares for you,” Anastasia concludes.

“Yes, I believe she does. I for her in my own way, but that doesn’t come close to how I feel about you at all. If this is what this is about...” I say thinking she’s jealous, and it’s not all unwelcome. I like her being jealous of me. 

“I’m not jealous,” she states, unsure of her thoughts. “You don’t love her,” she murmurs. Is this a question that’s bugging her? It must be.

I sigh, getting angry. It’s my fucking past! I can’t change it! It happened; I lived it, now I’m over it. I’m with her now! Doesn’t that count for something?

“A long time ago, I thought I loved her,” I say baring my fucking soul through my gritted teeth. She is surprised with this statement. 

“But, when we were in Georgia...” she says slowly, scared to find out what I might say, “you said you didn’t love her.” 

“That’s right,” I answer. But my answer gives her a confused frown.

“I loved you then Anastasia,” I whisper. Does she not know how much? “You’re the only person I’d fly three thousand miles to see,” I state fervently. Not Elena, not someone else. Just Anastasia! Her frown deepens, not understanding.

“Everything I feel for you is very different than any feeling I ever had for Elena,” I explain. 

“When did you know?” she asks. I shrug.

“Ironically, Elena pointed that out to me. In fact she encouraged me to go to Georgia,” I tell her. She shakes her head. Her hands runs through her face as if to wash off some unsavory thought from her mind finally her fingers clasp each other firmly on her lap. She swallows nervously. 

“So you desired her when you were younger?” 

  “Yes,” I reply, and her face falls. 

“She taught me a great deal. She taught me to believe in myself,” I explain. We live what we have to at a time, and that’s what I had when I was younger; a fucked up teen wallowed up and drowning in my own issues, unable to find the shore - and Elena simply showed me the way to it in her fucked up way. I believe there is an old eastern proverb to explain this well: Those who fall into the ocean, hang onto a snake if they must to stay afloat.  

“But she also beat the shit out of you,” Anastasia says disapprovingly. 

Somehow the thought of it makes me happy, and I smile fondly of the memory. Because I was an arrogant, trouble making teen that needed to be beat at the time. “Yes, she did,” I reply. 

“And you liked that?” she asks incredulous. 

“At the time I did,” I reply. 

“Huh,” says Anastasia with surprise. “So much so that you wanted to do it to others?” she asks. 

Her assessment is correct. I want to be honest with her, but my eyes grow wide with wariness, and I am serious now, “Yes,” I respond quietly. 

“Did she help you with that?” she probes further. Does she really want to find that out? 

“Yes,” I reply. 

“Did she sub for you?”  She asks as her gaze is locked on mine, not missing one single expression.

“Yes,” I respond without breaking my gaze.

A breath escapes her as if she’s punched. “Do you expect me to like her?” she asks in a frail voice, bitterly.
“No, of course not. Although, it’d make my life a hell of a lot easier,” I say, though I don’t know if I like the idea. “But I understand your reticence.”

She snaps at my statement.

“Reticence! Good God, Christian! What if that was your own son-how would that make you feel?”
What? No one forced me to be with her! I didn’t have to stay... I made the choice. I blink at her confused.
“I didn’t have to stay with Elena,” I say frowning. “It way my own choice too, Anastasia,” I murmur. I even liked it at the time. 

Anastasia shakes her head sadly.

“Who’s Linc?” she asks.

“He’s her ex-husband,” I reply.

“Lincoln Timber?” 

“The very same,” I reply smirking.

“And who is Isaac?” 

“Isaac is Elena’s current submissive.”

Anastasia’s face takes the shape of someone who is horrified. She’s thinking that it’s another teen Elena got her claws into. 

“Isaac is in his mid-twenties, Anastasia. You know, a consenting adult,” I quickly add for her to get her mind out of the disgusted thoughts about Elena.

She turns puce, “he’s your age,” she says with realization. 

We are going nowhere with this. Clearly where Elena is concerned, all Anastasia sees is red, and a monster. “Look, Anastasia... Like I said to Elena earlier, she’s part of my past, but you are my future. Don’t let Elena come between us please! And frankly, I’m quite bored” maybe tired, “of this subject. I’m going to do some work,” I say standing up. Fucking visit from Elena dampened everyone’s mood. I gaze down at her, “Let it go, please,” I say softly. 

She stubbornly stares at me. This isn’t going to be the last of this topic, will it? Heaven forbid!

“Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Your new car has arrived a day earlier. It’s parked in the garage. Taylor has the key to it.” She lights up with the news.

“Can I drive it to work tomorrow?” she asks. 

“No,” I respond firmly. Not till Leila problem is resolved. 

“Why ever not?” she asks.

“You know why not Anastasia. That incidentally reminds me. From now on, if you’re going to leave your office for any reason, let me know. Sawyer was there watching you. It appears that I can’t trust you to look after yourself at all,” I say scowling. She’s on the receiving end of scrutiny for a change this evening. 

She stares back at me without blinking. “Clearly, I can’t trust either. You could have told me that Sawyer was watching me,” she mutters. 

“What? Do you want to fight about that topic too?” I snap at her. 

“I didn’t know we were fighting, Christian. I just thought we were communicating,” she mumbles irritably.
Christ! Give me strength!  She pushes all my buttons all at the same time! I close my eyes trying to rein in my temper. Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two...one... Breathe in...Breathe out. When I open my eyes again, Anastasia is watching me anxiously. (←The Way You Make Me Feel by Michael Jackson)
 
“I have to work,” I say quietly, and leave the room. I can’t take any more arguments tonight. 

Instead of having mind-blowing sex with my very hot, very loquacious, stubborn as a Missouri mule mutinous girlfriend, I am now forced to read Mr. Ipkins’ report on emerging markets. What an evening!

I walk into my office sulkily, and sit in my chair. I open the message from Ros and start going over the report. I’ve already gone over the report on China. Now, I read the one about Russia.

The report starts with top industries in Russia:

Oil and Gas Extraction
Support Activities for Mining
Metal Ore Mining
Electric Power Generation, Transmission and Distribution
Motor Vehicle Manufacturing
Machinery, Equipment and Supplies
Banking and Credit Intermediation
Rail Transportation
Pesticide, Fertilizer and Other Agricultural Chemical Manufacturing

Then it goes on listing the top companies in Russia. 

The summary finally goes on recapping everything that’s been said. “Russian economy is the world’s ninth largest by nominal GDP and sixty largest by purchasing power parity, and it’s the third largest nominal military budget. It is one of the world’s fastest growing major economies. The country has a market economy with its enormous natural resources, particularly in oil and natural gasses. The country has ended its ninth straight year of growth averaging 7%...”

My mind isn’t focusing, but I must. I have to clear the shit from this evening without going crazy. What better way to do it if not reading about the world’s emerging markets? I immerse myself for the next two hours reading about country after country. By the time I’m done going over the report, it’s passed midnight. My mind is clear of the clutter of the early evening, and I miss Anastasia. 

Suddenly I feel the urge to hold her in my arms, and kiss her. I turn my laptop off and make my way into my bedroom. Anastasia isn’t here. Oh shit! Where could she have gone? The first thing that comes to my mind is that she’s taken off, and left me. Of course she would! I’d never forgive myself for the way I left the room, telling her I’m bored of talking to her about Elena! The truth of the matter is I’m scared of talking about my past...scared to the core. There is a lot of shit I want to hide from Anastasia. Why would she want me if she uncovered them? Find out what a nasty fucking son-of-a-crack-whore I was! Why would she want to have anything to do with me? (←If You Go Away by Julio Iglesias) 
 
The clothes she had earlier are lying on the bed. I look around; check the closet. Nothing seems out of order. Oh shit! She probably got so mad, and changed into jeans and a t-shirt, and took off! As I stand in the closet nervous as hell, I take my Blackberry out. With shaky fingers I press the speed dial #1. I hear “Your Love is King” playing in... my bedroom? I walk back into the bedroom, and retrieve her Blackberry from her purse. Yep, I’m calling her...her personal belongings including her purse and Blackberry are here. Dumbstruck, I disconnect my phone. 

Where could she have gone? If she left the purse and phone here, she couldn’t have gone far. Well, maybe not the phone. She left her phone here with me when she first left me. Maybe she just wants to be away from me tonight... Maybe she just got very mad after the whole shitty day, Elena showing up, and me scolding her over Elena inquisition. I run to see if she’s in her former room. The room is tidy as if no one has touched it. The bed is made and clear. White sheets and cover are crisp as the time Mrs. Jones laid them there. The room is devoid of anything of Anastasia. Let alone her presence, not even her scent is here. My heart is thumping. I run to the playroom, but the door isn’t open. The only other place she could go is the library and I make my way into the library nervously. If she isn’t there, I have to get Taylor and the security detail. My mind is going crazy! I just fucking remembered that the balcony door was open in my bedroom. 

I run back to the bedroom, and check the balcony door that is still gaping open like an ominous question. Fuck! Did Leila come and take Anastasia? How did I not notice that? My hands rush to my face, and I cup my face in my hands forcefully running them through my hair. But, Anastasia’s clothes are on the bed. Would Leila make her change her clothes to take her? That doesn’t make sense. My heart is thumping. I have one more place to check. Let me see the library. If she’s not there, then I’ll allow myself to panic. I run top speed to the library, which of course doesn’t take long.  I swing the door open, and close my eyes in utter and complete relief. The sight before me gives me peace along with contentment. Thank God! 

Anastasia is curled up in an overstuffed chair with Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier, one of the many first edition books I have. She’s wearing a pale pink satin long nightgown with a matching robe. She looks like an angel who fell asleep. Sexy, beguilingly innocent, and just lovely. All I want to do is to go and hold her in my arms. 

Scared of waking up, I walk near her. I slowly take the book out of her hands. My eyes drift into the page, and I look up at her as my breath catches with the line capturing my eyes, I sag into the nearest chair:
I am glad it cannot happen twice, the fever of first love. For it is a fever, and a burden, too, whatever the poets may say.”

Is this what this is? Fever of first love? Is it what’s driving me insanely jealous and crazy? As I sit in the opposite chair and watch Anastasia, all curled in on herself, innocent; I realize that she looks even younger, childish even now that she’s asleep. 

I flip the pages of the book slowly. Another line strikes me right in my core: “I suppose sooner or later in the life of everyone comes a moment of trial. We, all of us have our particular devil who rides us and torments us, and we must give battle in the end.” Is my battle coming soon, and do I want to find out?
All I want to do at this moment is to take my woman back to our bed, and hold her till this feeling of loss subsides in me. I lean down, and trying not to jostle her, pick her up in my arms. She blinks her eyes open.

“Hey,” I murmur as she looks into my eyes. “You fell asleep here, and I couldn’t find you,” I say without being able to hide the anxiety in me. My face nuzzles into her hair, inhaling her brand of scent deep losing myself in her. She smiles and lifts her arms around my neck and holds onto me, her nose in my neck. We are two people inhaling each other, intoxicated with each other’s scents. I make my way to my bedroom, and lay Anastasia down on our bed after pulling the duvet cover open. She puts her head on the pillow. I lean down and kiss her on the forehead, “sleep, baby,” I whisper, and as I rub her hair, she slowly closes her eyes, and drifts back to sleep. 

I sit on the bed, just watching Anastasia, my heart fluttering. How peaceful she looks, how worried I was with the thought of her being gone. And the relief I felt finding her in the library. I don’t know what I would do without her. I just can’t exist! Not without being out of my mind. Just the few minutes took me to find her were hellish torment! How could I go through ... go through a lifetime? She just conquered me all the way; I’m hers. (←She’s Got A Way by Billy Joel) 
 
I’m wide awake with worry, and sleep won’t claim me. I close the balcony door, and make sure it’s tightly locked. I go to the closet and divest myself off my clothes, and just put my pajama bottoms on. I come back out and gaze at Anastasia. Why do we fight? Why do I fight with her? I hate fighting with her! It rips my heart up every time we go at it. I don’t like hurting her feelings, but then no one else presses my buttons like she does. In fact, the fights we have don’t only hurt my heart, but hurt every part of my body as if they have manifested themselves physically. When she goes toe to toe with me, I just want her to pull me back, and wrap me around. Because what she doesn’t know is that every time I’m with her, I have my heart in my hand for her...

The fear of losing her is always haunting me, and that’s why I fight with her against her wildly independent streaks as if she’s going to run away from me, run away with someone. And why shouldn’t she anyway? I’m so unworthy of being loved by the likes of her. 

I go out to the living room and find my way to my piano. The piano after all is my way of expressing all the emotions I’m not able, willing or capable of wording. It allows me to communicate in the subtlest truths about me by means of metal, wood, ivory and of course vibrating air when I put my fingers on it. It speaks for me when I’m unable to. It expresses the cries of my soul when my eyes can’t shed a single tear. 

I lower the piano’s lid so it doesn’t wake Anastasia up, and turn the small bubble of light on the piano, and sit on the bench and let my soul cry out all his lamentations, sorrows, worries, and fears.  (←Beethoven – Moonlight Sonata)  

I don’t know how long I’ve been playing one lamenting piece after another, but I feel her burning gaze on me. My chest involuntarily rises to accommodate my rushing breathing. I glance up and lock gazes with her still continuing to play, wanting her to hear my silent fears. She takes a step towards me, and another, then another. Slowly she makes her way to me, as I follow her with my watchful eyes. She reaches up to me, and I stop playing. 

“Why did you stop? That was a lovely piece,” she says in her soft pink satin nightgown, all alluring, feminine, and enticing. 

“Do you have any idea how desirable you look at the moment? I ask her in a soft voice.

“Come to bed,” she whispers. I hold my hand out to her, and she takes it, and the second we touch the short distance between us is too far, and too great for it to be bearable. I tug her hand and she falls into my lap. I wrap my arms around her, holding and nuzzling her neck right behind her ear. The usual jolt of electricity travels and courses through our connection, boiling my blood. 

“Why do we fight?” I finally whisper to her. My teeth graze her earlobe. (←Lacrimosa by Mozart) 
 
“Because we’re getting to know each other, Christian, and you’re stubborn and morose and moody and difficult,” she murmurs in a breathless tone while I nuzzle her neck. She shifts her head and arches her neck to allow better access for my lips making me smile. 

“My dear Miss Steele, I’m all those things. It’s such a wonder you put up with me,” I say as I nip her earlobe sending shivers down her spine making her moan with desire. “Is it always like this?” I sigh.

“I’ve not idea,” she murmurs.

“Me neither,” I say and I swiftly yank the sash of her robe and it falls open and what is between my hand and Anastasia’s body is just a very thin, very fragile piece of satin. Oh God! My hand moves up and down her body, caressing, possessing, touching, feeling, receiving. I reach up to her breast, and with the gentlest of touch, her nipple hardens, and strains against the thin satin of the night gown. My fingers trail down to her waist, and making their way to her hip, to her sex. 

“God, Anastasia, you feel so fine under this material; I can see everything,” I say gently tugging her pubic hair though the fabric, “even this,” I say in a whisper, and she gasps. My other hand fists at the nape of her hair. As I pull her head back, I kiss her fervently, hard, and my tongue forces its way into her mouth, darting, claiming, and caressing relentlessly, trying to fulfill a bottomless pit of need I have for her. She moans in my mouth, and her hands reach up to my face, caressing in response to my ministrations on her body and in her mouth. I pull her night gown up and my hand palms her round buttock caressing it, running my thumbnail up and down inside her thigh. 

I want to fuck her on top of my piano. The last time I wanted to do that, we got distracted by the contract, and then the spanking and she left me... I want nothing to distract us now. I will fuck her right on my piano, but first, I have to render her punishment! I will claim her once and for all here. I quickly rise up from my seat and lifting Anastasia I deposit her onto the piano lid. Her feet are situated atop the keys creating unmelodious sounds, and I don’t give a shit about it. Anastasia has literally put me through hell today, and she fought me in the evening. I can’t spank her, or hit her, but I can still punish her. Sex...sex is a great weapon of choice for punishment. My revenge will make her beg, sweetly torture her, yet, still away from her satisfaction... 

My fingers travel and skim up and down her legs finally parting her knees. I quickly grab her hands, and order Anastasia to lie back atop the piano. I let her go; as she lies down, I push her legs wider, and her toes skim the piano keys irregularly. I kiss Anastasia inside her knee and slowly but surely I travel down inside her thigh kissing, gently biting, sucking, and skimming with my teeth. I push the satin nightgown up slowly as my mouth travels up her thigh slowly. My lips finally reach up to the juncture where her thighs meet, her sex blooms open glistening with her arousal, inviting, calling me. I forget everything, and kiss her within the folds of her sex, blowing, and my tongue darts out, and starts circling her clitoris, trying to dig in, taste her deeper, claiming her. I automatically push her legs wider which blooms her sex fully under my mouth like the spring rose. My tongue fucks her every way it knows, darting in, circling, licking, fellating, and as she gets in the rhythm her hips lift up and meets my mouth, matching the rhythm of my tongue and my ever consuming mouth. Her hips circle, and I’m lost in her, with her.

“Oh my! Christian, please!” she begs.

“Oh, no, baby, not yet,” I say. I don’t want her to come yet. She can’t come. She has tortured me today, and I will punish her with this. “Anytime you argue with me, I’m going to take it out on your body somehow,” I say with my punishing kisses along her belly, making her needy, wanton but far from release. So close yet so far away. My hands skim and move expertly along her thighs, as I strategically stop and knead and skim and put her nerves on fire, making her want me to fuck her, release her from her  misery, yet, no release coming. My tongue dips into her navel as my fingers spears her sex, making her cry out “ah!” with the most desirous need. I circle both my tongue and my fingers in synchronization making her writhe beneath me. 

“Christian!” she cries out for me desperate for release. Her sex makes me desirous and frankly her moans are calling out to me to claim her, and I can brand her inside out, fuck her into submission. Argh! That side of me will never subside! I want her to submit me in some ways, and I love it when she resists, and fights, and I love it when she begs, I love it when I fuck her into obeying me like this! She owns me, and what I want is to own her back like this! She has already branded me in my soul. She is all I can think about. She is all that consumes me, and wherever I look, I see her. 

I groan, and stop my ministrations into her sex, and lift her off the keys, push and slide her down atop the piano. Quickly divesting of my pajama bottom, I follow her up there kneeling between her legs, my most favorite place on earth, as I roll a condom on my cock. 

I stare down at this goddess who owns me even when I try to fuck her into submission, and her conquest of me has been completed from within. Because I’m a man in love! Even the sight of her, the sound of her voice makes passion rise in me, turns me on, and all I want to do is to be with her, be in her, near her, and be consumed with anything about her. I lose sight of everything else. I feel like a starved man-starved for her affection. 

“I want you so badly,” I say, and sink into her slowly, and fuck her in a way reflecting my hunger for her as if fucking is going to be put on quota, and I want to get my ample share. But I also want to show her how much I love and desire her with my love making, and the yearning and desire in me. What starts out savoring, tasting, feeling, slow love making quickly become a possessing, and demanding fucking, and she wants it, meeting me thrust for thrust with her lifted up hips. As she cries out my name demanding more of me, I switch places with her placing her on top of me, as my cock is pushing into her from below as her hips are angulating over my length and it’s finally both of our undoing. As we reach our peak, orgasm shudders and courses through our connection, and like a big jolt it curls my toes, and arches my back as I push into her deep from below, spear her sex with three more harsh thrusts. I finally empty into her as her muscles around my cock, squeezes, and milks every last drop out of me. 

When the last bit of shudders run its course, we both lie on the piano, and somehow she is atop me, and carefully rest her check against me. As our breathing slows down, I know that I want her this close to me at all times. I gently, lovingly stroke her hair. She asks me the strangest post coital question in a sleepy tone.

“Do you drink tea or coffee in the evening?”

“What an odd question,” I say relaxed. 

“Well, I thought I could bring you tea in your office, but then I realized I didn’t know what you really would like to drink,” she explains making my heart melt. She’s thinking of me.

“I see. I usually drink water or wine in the evening Ana. But perhaps I should try tea,” I say knowing she likes tea, and maybe would like to keep me company. 

I realize that Anastasia is making effort to get to know me, and I hampered her efforts this evening. The thought makes me forlorn, mournful. My hand moves absently on her back stroking her. 

“We really know very little about each other,” she whispers reflecting what I have been thinking.

“I know,” I say in a tone mirroring my mood. She picks up on it, and sits up. 

“What’s the matter?” she asks. I don’t want to talk about it. I shake my head. Whatever the hell I am, and it is pretty fucked up, I know one truth, and that’s a pure and simple one: 

“I love you, Ana Steele,” I say with all my heart. (←Can’t Help Falling In Love sung by Julio Iglesias)  

*****

Fingers gently caressing my hair wake me up. I find myself wrapped around Anastasia like the victory flag, and I find my hand claiming her breast, while one leg over her, wrapping and holding her down. God! I’m drawn to her awake or asleep. 

I raise my eyes to her, and smile at her still half asleep.

“Good morning beautiful,” I say with a wide grin.

“Good morning beautiful yourself,” she smiles back at me. I lean and kiss her, retreating my legs and arms off her, I lean on my elbow and stare down at Anastasia who is still lying down.

“Did you sleep okay?” I ask. I know, I did. 

If you are taking southbound I-5, please take a note that just south of Martin Luther King Jr Way – MP 157, there is a collision blocking the right lane. And the roadwork on the westbound I-90 will continue throughout the week and the left two lanes will remain closed. And in other news...” the news radio alarm continues in the background. 

“Yes, despite the interruption to my sleep last night,” Anastasia mock complains making me grin at her.

“Hmm. You can interrupt me like that anytime,” I say kissing her again. 

“What about you? Did you get to sleep well?” she asks me.

“I always sleep well with you Anastasia,” I respond, and that’s the God’s truth.

“No more nightmares then?” she probes further.

“No,” I say. Not with her. She’s my dream catcher. 

Her expression changes to one of worried. “What are your nightmares about?” she asks. Remembering the pimp, my face falls, and my smile is replaced with a frown.

“They’re flashbacks...to my early childhood, or so Doctor Flynn says. Some are quite vivid, and some are less so,” I say my gaze going away as if a memory is displayed in the eyes of my mind. Without thought, I caress her collarbone with a finger. 

“Do you wake up crying and screaming?” she asks in a halfhearted joke. 

I look at her quizzically. “No, Anastasia. I’ve never cried. As far as I can remember,” I say. Not over those memories anyway. But I don’t want to tell her how devastated I was and unable to help myself and cried over her. That will remain in my heart, and under the clauses of Taylor and Mrs. Jones’s NDAs. 

“Do you have any happy memories about your childhood?” she asks. I think about it. There was one about the crack whore. 

“I remember one time the crack whore baking. I remember the smell of it. It was a birthday cake I think...for me. And of course there’s Mia’s arrival with my mom and dad. My mom was very worried about how I would react to Mia but, the instant I met her, I completely adored her. My dad, Carrick told you that I didn’t speak for two years. It’s true. My first...very first word was Mia. Of course, I remember my first piano lesson. Miss Katie, my piano teacher was awesome. She had horses, too,” I smile remembering fondly.

“You told me that your mom saved you. How?” she asks. I think the answer to that is obvious. What would happen if Grace Trevelyan-Grey didn’t adopt me? I’d go in the direction of my crack whore mother. A dope addict, man-whore. 

“She adopted me,” I explain in the simplest terms. “When I first saw her, I really thought she was an angel in her white smock. And she was very gentle, calm, and soft when she examined me. I’ll never forget that. If she said no to adopting me, or if Carrick had said no...” I can’t even bring the rest of the thought into words. It’d be my destruction. And yet she and Carrick saved me. I don’t want to think about all the shit that could have happened to me early in the morning. “This is all a little too deep for this time of the morning,” I mutter.
“I’ve made a vow to get to know you better,” she says softly.

“Did you now Miss Steele? And here I thought you wanted to know whether I preferred coffee or tea,” I say smirking. “Anyway, I can think of one way for you to get to know me,” I say as I push my erection against her.

“Hmm.. I think I know you quite well enough that way, Mr. Grey,” she teases.

“I disagree. I don’t think I’ll ever get to know you well enough that way, Miss Steele,” I murmur into her ear. 
“There are of course a number of advantages to waking up next to you,” I say seductively. 

“Mr. Grey, I’m shocked. Don’t you have to get up?” she asks in a low, husky, and desirous voice. 

“Not this morning Miss Steele. There is only one place I want to be up right now and that is you,” I say with salacity. 

“Christian!” she gapes at me, completely shocked at my audacity. And I move on top of her grabbing her hands, and as I pull them atop her head, I stake my claim murmuring, “Oh, Miss Steele. Baby, what I’d like to do to you,” I whisper. It’s time for conquest. 

******

After shower and getting dressed, Anastasia and I make our way to the breakfast bar to Mrs. Jones’ marvelous cooking. I have omelet and bacon and Anastasia pancakes and bacon. 

“Christian, when do you think I’m going to meet your trainer Claude Bastille and put him through his paces?” she asks. Her inquiry makes me grin. I’m tiring her out, and she wants stamina. 

“Depends if you want to go to New York this weekend or not. Perhaps you’d like to see him early one morning this week. I’ll ask Andrea to check on his schedule and come back to you,” I say, though I know Anastasia is not a morning person.

“Andrea?” she asks sharply. Jealous are we, Miss Steele?

“She’s my PA,” I explain. Her face relaxes.

“Oh, okay. One of your many blondes,” she says in a teasing tone.

“She isn’t mine Anastasia; she just works for me. You are mine,” I reiterate. (←All I Want is You by U2) 
 
“I work for you, too,” she mutters acidulously. Oh, yes, baby, you sure do. I grin and reply, “So, you do,” and she can’t help but smile back at me. 

“Maybe Bastille can teach me to kickbox,” she says in a warning tone.

“Oh yeah? Daydreaming about your chances against me?” I ask in an amused tone. I’d love a challenge. 

“Bring it on Miss Steele,” I say happily. 

She notices the piano lid being up, and remarks on it.

“I only closed it last night to not to disturb you. I suppose it didn’t work out so well, but then again, I’m glad it didn’t,” I say remembering our christening the piano. Anastasia flushes all the way to the hairline, anxiously looking at Mrs. Jones who is just minding her own business in her usual professional demeanor. She turns around and places Anastasia’s lunch bag before her on the counter. 

“Is tuna okay for later, Ana?” she asks politely.

“Yes, Mrs. Jones, thank you!” Anastasia remarks smiling shyly. Mrs. Jones having completed her tasks leaves the kitchen to give us some privacy. 

Anastasia turns to me, and says, “Can I ask you something?”

Oh oh... whenever that question comes up, there is something that is unpleasant going through her mind. “Of course,” I say guarded.

“And you won’t be angry?” 

“Why? Is it about Elena?” I say, which is one topic I get angry about. 

“No, then,” I reply.

“I now have an additional question,” she says making a face.

“Oh?” that’s not good.

“Which is about her,” she says and I roll my eyes. Why must we spoil our beautiful morning with the thought of Elena? 

“What?” I say snapping.

“Why do you have to get so mad when I ask you about Elena?” she says confused.

“Are you honestly asking me this?” I say incredulous. She scowls at me. “I thought you were always honest with me Christian,” she states narrowing her eyes on me.

“I endeavor to be,” I reply her honestly. She scrutinizes me with her sharp gaze. “That’s a very evasive answer,” she says without blinking her eyes.

“Ana, I’m always honest with you. You’re one person I don’t want to play games with. Well, not those kinds of games anyway,” I say wanton. She just giggles. 

“What sort of games do you want to play?” she asks quickly, already hot. God, it’s so easy to distract her! She’s got one track mind. What have I created here?

“Miss Steele, how very easily you are distracted,” I state.

“You are just distracting on so many levels, Mr. Grey,” she giggles again. 

Damn woman! How she can get me elated with a simple girlish giggle. 

“That is my favorite sound in the whole world, Anastasia,” I say. “Okay, ask me your original question,” I coax her without further distraction. She frowns, trying to remember her question. 

“Yeah. Okay, you only saw your subs over the weekends?”

“Yes, that’s correct,” I reply nervously. That’s not a good topic to be on knowing her jealousy meter runs higher, highest, and explosive. She grins. “So, you  had no sex during the week,” she states. 

I see what she is trying to decipher, making me laugh. “Is that where you were going with this?” I ask relieved. “Why do you think I work out every day?” Anastasia looks relieved, happy, and pleased with herself. 

“Miss Steele, you seem to look very pleased with yourself,” I say scrutinizing her face.

“That I am, Mr. Grey,” she replies smugly.

“You should be,” I grin. She knows that she’s a first in weekday sex with me, and I am equally pleased with this first as well. “Eat your breakfast, now,” I order. 

*****

When we get into the SUV to go to work, Taylor is in the driver’s seat to drop Anastasia off first, and we’ll go to GEH after. Sawyer is riding shogun, and he will go to work with Anastasia; but we agreed that he’s going to remain outside. I ask Anastasia something that has been bothering me, but I had forgotten with yesterday’s numerous issues. 

“Anastasia, didn’t you say that your roommate’s brother was arriving here today?” in a casual tone. I want Anastasia nowhere near him. He too has eyes for Anastasia. 

“Oh, Ethan, yes, he’s coming!” she gasps. “I completely forgot. Thank you for reminding me Christian. I’ll have to go back to the apartment,” she says. What? I didn’t remind her for his benefit! I can’t help it, and my face falls with worry. “What time?” I manage to ask.

“I actually am not sure. I don’t know what time he’s arriving.” 

“I don’t want you going anywhere on your own,” I say sternly, almost menacingly. Nowhere! 

“I know,” she says rolling her eyes at me. “Will Sawyer be spying...ahem,  I mean patrolling by the SIP today?” she asks, and Sawyer must be blushing because his ears turn red as my playroom.

“Yes!” I snap at her with cold, sharp eyes. She’d do well to remember that. It’s for her own benefit. 

“If I was driving the Saab, it would have been a lot easier,” she says stubbornly. 

“Anastasia, Sawyer will have a car, and depending on the time, he can drive you to your apartment,” I state.
“Okay, okay,” she mutters petulantly. “Ethan will probably call me during the day. I’ll inform you of the plans after that,” she replies. 

“Okay then. But nowhere on your own, understand?” I ask waving a lecturing finger at her. 

“Yes, dear,” she mutters sweetly making me smile, just a trace. “And perhaps you should only use your Blackberry. I’ll e-mail you on it. This will prevent my IT guy having a thoroughly interesting morning, okay?” I ask acerbically. 

“Yes, Christian,” she says acquiescing, but still rolling her eyes at me. I smirk at her reaction, and lean in to her. “Why Miss Steele...” I whisper lasciviously, “I do believe you are making my palm twitch.”

“Oh, Mr. Grey, you and your perpetually twitching palm. What are we going to do with that problem?” she remarks and makes me laugh. I feel my Blackberry vibrating. I take it out, and look at the caller ID. Damn it! It’s Elena! Can’t I get a break from her?

“What is it?” I say through gritted teeth as I answer the phone. 

“Christian, I’m really sorry to bother you early in the morning. But since you said you would talk to Welch, I called to tell you there is no need for it. It turns out, Isaac was creating a scene for us to act out,” she says relieved and hungry for her sub. 

My face relaxes, amused. “You’re kidding...”

“I’m not. There I was trying to explain him last night that I was being blackmailed about my lifestyle, and he blurted out that it was him who wrote that note for us to act out  a scene, and obviously it was not an actual blackmail. You can understand my relief and anger of course...” she says.

“For a scene...”

“Yes, go figure.”

“When did you say he told you this?” I say chuckling.

“Last night, after I came home.” 

“Listen, Christian. I was preoccupied about this, and I might have upset you last night. So, I want to apologize for my intrusion between you and Anastasia. It wasn’t my intent.” She says.

“No, don’t worry. You don’t need apologize. I’m only glad that there is a logical explanation. Although it did seem a ridiculously low amount of money...”

“Yes, that’s what made me think, and I had my suspicions.”

“I have no doubt you have something evil and creative planned for your revenge,” I say knowing how creative Elena can be with a whip or a rope. “Poor Isaac,” I say smiling. 

“Oh yes, and I’m looking forward to exacting my revenge,” she says calmly and that only means that she knows exactly how she’s going to get her dues. 

“Well, thank you again and sorry to bother you, Christian. “

“Good...Goodbye,” I say disconnecting the line. But when I look up, Anastasia is looking at me impassively, instantly making me wary.

“Who was that?” she asks.

“Do you really want to know?” I ask knowing how apprehensive she will get. She doesn’t answer; just shakes her head, her eyes instantly clouded with sadness. Her face falls and turning her head she looks out the window. No! no! no! I won’t let Elena’s call spoil our morning.

“Hey,” I say, reaching for her hand, taking it into my palm and kissing every single knuckle, and suck her little finger, hard. I then bite it softly, knowing it will send shivers down to her spine, and jolt her sex to attention all at the same time. She gasps involuntarily. Anastasia glances at Taylor and Sawyer in the front seat nervously, and then turns and looks at me finding me watching her with carnal desire. 

“Don’t sweat it Anastasia. Elena is in the past,” I say willing her to believe me. I kiss the center of her palm, and her face brightens up with a smile. 

*****

After we drop Anastasia to work, Taylor takes me to GEH. Andrea comes in with the day’s agenda and list of meetings. As soon as she leaves my office, I type an e-mail for Anastasia.

_________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Sunrise
Date: June 14, 2011 09:22
To: Anastasia Steele

I absolutely love waking up to you in the morning.

Christian Grey
Completely & Utterly Smitten CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_________________________________________

After hitting send, I have this grin on my face. What a good way to start my morning. I start going through my business e-mails, and Andrea knocks on my door, and then enters with my coffee.

“Your coffee, sir. Is there anything else I can get you?” 

“That’s all for now Andrea,” I say dismissing her. She is still surprised to see the idiotic grin on my face, but then dons on her professional demeanor and scuttles out of my office, knowing better to leave me alone. 

I take a large sip of my coffee. As I start going through my messages, a new e-mail dings into my e-mail box. Seeing Anastasia’s name I quickly click it, and I lift my coffee mug with the other hand to take another mouthful of sip. 

_________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Sundown
Date: June 14, 2011 09:34
To: Christian Grey 

My Dear Completely & Utterly Smitten Mr. Grey,
I too love waking up to you. But I also love being in bed with you and in elevators and on pianos and billiard tables and boats and desks and showers and bathtubs and strange wooden crosses with shackles and four poster beds with red satin sheets and boathouses and finally childhood bedrooms.
Yours truly,
Sex Mad and Insatiable xx.
_________________________________________

I choke on my fucking coffee and spit a mouthful of it all over my keyboard! And I think I have a growing tent in front of me, right before my 10:00 a.m. meeting! I quickly type a response to Anastasia. 
_________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Wet hardware
Date: June 14, 2011 09:36
To: Anastasia Steele

My Dear Sex Mad & Insatiable,
I’ve just spat coffee all over my keyboard. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before.
I do however admire a woman who concentrates on geography.
Am I to presume that you just want me for my body?
Christian Grey
Completely & Utterly Shocked CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_________________________________________

I get to work and my mind is already preoccupied with Anastasia lying on various locations while... argh! How am I supposed to focus on work today? I can’t think...I can’t concentrate... E-mails! Business e-mails. I have meetings; I have to go over schematics. Breathe out. Easy Grey... Reserve fuck related thought outside the work hours. My hands run through my hair in frustration. Sexual frustration... And of course there won’t be any relief until tonight. So, you better get your frigging mind focusing on business, and not Miss Steele’s delectable ass... Focus Grey, focus!

I open up the designs the engineering team has sent me to examine them closely. A new email arrives as I go through the design and micro solar panels on the cell phone.
_________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Giggling and wet too
Date: June 14, 2011 09:41
To: Christian Grey 

My Dear Completely & Utterly Shocked Mr. Grey,
Always.
I have work to do now.
So, stop bothering me
Sex Mad and Insatiable xx.
_________________________________________

Baby, you set me on fire! I’m not a stove! I can’t just turn it off. Hot and cold doesn’t run together in my body. (←Hot N Cold by Kathy Perry) 
After I finish analyzing the schematics, I type her response.
_________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Do I really have to?
Date: June 14, 2011 09:49
To: Anastasia Steele

My Dear Sex Mad & Insatiable,
Your wish is my command as ever.
I love that you’re giggling and wet.
Laters baby.
X
Christian Grey
Completely & Utterly Smitten, Shocked and Spellbound CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_________________________________________

At 10:00 a.m. exactly I make my way to the meeting with the engineering team to discuss the preliminary schematics before going over the product next week, and their improvements to the solar powered self-winding cell phone design. The meeting goes on till nearly the lunch time and it is pleasingly productive. As the meeting progresses and we are examining the designs, my Blackberry buzzes. As soon as I see Anastasia’s name on it, and answer is right away, anxious to hear her voice.

“Anastasia,” I say warmly, as if her name is litany on my lips. 

“Christian, Jack’s asked me to get his lunch,” she says without a preamble.

“Lazy fucking bastard,” I complain.

“So I’m going to get it. It might be handy if you just gave me Sawyer’s number; that way I don’t have to bother you,” she says.

“It’s no bother for me baby,” I say. I’d like to be in control. 

“Are you on your own?”

“No. There are six people staring at me at the moment wondering who the hell I’m talking to,” I explain nonchalantly. 

“Oh no... Really?” she gasps. 

“Yes, really,” I answer her, and turn to the engineering team to explain, “My girlfriend.” By the shocked looks some of them are giving me, they must have thought I was batting for the home team. 

“You know Christian, they probably all thought you were gay,” she says making me laugh.

“Yeah, probably,” I say, knowing they did by the way they look at me. 

“Uhm, yeah, I’d better go,” she says embarrassed.

“I’ll inform Sawyer,” I say laughing. “Have you heard from your friend?”

“Not yet, but of course you’ll be the first informed, Mr. Grey,” she says coyly.

“Good. Laters, baby.”

“Bye Christian,” she says.

*****

As soon as I hang up with Anastasia, I dial Sawyer’s number.

“Yes, Mr. Grey,” he answers the phone.

“Sawyer, Miss Steele is going to go out, wait for her outside please,” I ask him.

“Yes, sir,” he says, and I hang up to continue with my meeting. 

After the meeting, I go to a business lunch. Taylor drives me, and by 2:30 p.m. I’m back to GEH. 

I’m in my office and going over several business reports, my Blackberry alerts me of an incoming e-mail. I check the message and it’s from Anastasia.
_________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: visitors from sunny climates
Date: June 14, 2011 14:54
To: Christian Grey 

My Dear Completely & Utterly SS&S Mr. Grey,
Ethan is back and he’s coming here to get the keys to the apartment.
I would really like to make sure he’s settled in okay.
Why don’t you pick me up after work? We can go to the apartment and then we can ALL go out for a meal maybe?
My treat?
Yours,
Ana X
Still Sex Mad & Insatiable

Anastasia Steele
Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP
_________________________________________

After finishing reading a short report, I e-mail Anastasia back. I noticed that she hasn’t used her Blackberry. God, this woman is completely stubborn! Follow my simple fucking rules Anastasia!
_________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Do I really have to?
Date: June 14, 2011 15:04
To: Anastasia Steele

I approve of your plan, Anastasia, except for the part about you paying.
It’ll be my treat.
I’ll pick you up at 6:00.
X
PS: Why the hell aren’t you using your Blackberry!?!!
Christian Grey
Completely & Utterly Annoyed CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_________________________________________

Her reply doesn’t take long. It comes right when I’m reading the financial reports.
_________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: your bossiness
Date: June 14, 2011 15:10
To: Christian Grey 

Christian, don’t be so crusty and cross.
It’s all in code as you already see.
I’ll see you at six.
Ana X

Anastasia Steele
Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP
_________________________________________

Fuck! Why can’t you listen? Use the Blackberry!
_________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: One Maddening Woman
Date: June 14, 2011 15:17
To: Anastasia Steele

You think I’m crusty and cross now!
I’ll give you and crusty and cross soon, and look forward to it.
X
Christian Grey
Completely & Utterly More Annoyed, but smiling for some unknown reason CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_________________________________________

I hit send, and go back to business, but she replies within a few minutes.
_________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Oh, promises, promises.
Date: June 14, 2011 15:22
To: Christian Grey 

Bring it on Mr. Grey. I too, look forward to it. ;D
Ana X

Anastasia Steele
Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP
_________________________________________

If I keep replying she’s going to combust me here, and she’s still not using her Blackberry. I don’t want to enable her.

I hit the intercom.

“Yes, Mr. Grey?” answers Andrea. 

“Send Taylor in Andrea,” I order.

“Of course sir,” she replies, and Taylor is in within thirty seconds. 

“Mr. Grey,” he says waiting for his orders.

“Taylor, I need you to do a sweep at Anastasia’s apartment. We need to pick her up from work at six today, so she can let Miss Kavanagh’s brother into the apartment. Do the sweep, and we’ll go pick Miss Steele from SIP, then head to her apartment.”

“Yes, sir. Anything else, Mr. Grey?”

“That’ll be all Taylor,” I say dismissing. 

I have so much work to get through before a busy evening with Anastasia and her roommate’s brother whom I have no intention of leaving alone with my girlfriend.

About an hour later, I receive a text message from Taylor:

“The sweep is completed Mr. Grey. All is clean. On my way to GEH.”

Relieved, I go back to working. I work till about 5:30 at which time Taylor comes in ready to take me to pick Anastasia up. 

“Did you find any evidence that Leila had been to Anastasia’s apartment?”

“When we have done the sweet, there was no evidence that anyone has been in the apartment sir. We’ve also checked around the complex. All seemed quiet, and clear.”

“Great,” I reply and we are outside of SIP at around 5:55 p.m. I call Anastasia’s Blackberry. 

“Crusty and Cross here,” I greet her once she answers the phone. 

“Well, this is Sex Mad and Insatiable speaking. I take it you’re outside the building?” she asks.

“Indeed I am Miss Steele. I’m looking forward to seeing you,” I say with wanton desire in a soft seductive tone. 

“Ditto, Mr. Grey. I’ll be right out,” she says before hanging up. 

As soon as I see Anastasia leave the SIP building, I exit the SUV. She is just drinking me in. Her eyes linger on my gray pants a little too long. Her beaming smile elates my heart and I can’t wait to take her into my arms. I close the distance between us, and envelope her into my embrace, giving her a wet lingering kiss. 

“You look as captivating as you did this morning Miss Steele,” I say while still in her mouth. 

“So do you Mr. Grey,” she replies once we break our kiss.

“Alright, let’s go and get your friend,” I say smiling down at her. I take her hand, and let her into the SUV. We chat all the way through to her apartment. I enjoy telling her about my day. I remember telling her about the environmental breakthroughs the WSU’s Science Department in Vancouver has made. Those things are very important to me, because it’s all part of my feed the world plan. I remember getting Claude Bastille’s schedule before leaving from Andrea. I hand it to Anastasia.

“Before I forget, these are the time slots that Claude Bastille is free this week,” I explain. 

As Taylor pulls into a parking space in Anastasia’s apartment complex, my phone buzzes in my pocket. I check the caller ID, and it’s Ros. 

“Grey,” I answer the phone. 

“Mr. Grey, this is Ros,” she replies.

“Ros, what is it?” I ask. 

“It’s about the liquidation. I received the actual redundancy packages’ costs. It’s higher than the forecasted number.”

“How much higher?” I ask cautiously. 

Anastasia turns to me and mouths, “I’ll go and get Ethan. I’ll be two minutes,” holding up two fingers. I nod at her as I continue to discuss the new cost I’m to pay with Ros. Taylor gets out and opens the door for Anastasia. 

“Approximately 25% higher,” she says making me cringe. 

“Fuck Ros!” I say angry. “Who cooked up the preliminary numbers? A couple percent up or down is expected, but 25%?”

“Finance department has done the cost analysis,” she says.

“Well, they’re all fucking incompetent if they’re missing the numbers by 25%!” I yell into the phone.
“We can’t completely blame the finance, Christian!” she chides me. “There are always hidden costs in these. If the company has employees who have worked over 10 years, then those packages are going to cost considerably more than the others. And this company had quite a few long time employees, and some close to retirement age. So, the retirement packages combined with the long term employment is going to cost us up to 25% of the original forecast.”

I sigh. She goes on explaining the details of the hidden cost for the next several minutes. I notice that Anastasia isn’t back yet. But what alerts me is Taylor’s reaction.

“Mr. Grey!!” he yells, as he jumps out of the car full speed towards Anastasia’s door. Right on the second floor, walking towards Anastasia’s apartment’s door leisurely is Ethan Kavanagh. I drop my Blackberry in the car with the scene before me as all sorts of scary thoughts running through my head, and run towards Anastasia’s apartment. By the time I reach to Ethan Kavanagh, Taylor already tackled Ethan to the floor yanking the key out of his hand. 





“What the hell, man!” Ethan protests. “Get your fucking body off me!” 

“Taylor,” I say to ease up. He rights Ethan Kavanagh up, but his gaze is unwavering. 

“Ethan, have you been to the apartment?” I question him.

“No, I met a friend and we went out for a drink. I’m just getting back. What is this about?”

I look up at Taylor, worry and concern in my face is reflected on Taylor’s. Anastasia isn’t back, and she doesn’t have a key to her apartment. Someone has let her in, and that someone isn’t Ethan Kavanagh. There’s only one person who can let her in, and that’s Leila! Fuck! My world shatters with this thought.

“You stay here, and don’t come up!” I warn him sternly, as Taylor and I run up to Anastasia’s apartment. My heart lurches to my mouth. I kick Anastasia’s door open, and my heart falls to the ground with the sight before me. 

Leila is holding Anastasia at gunpoint. I die a thousand deaths with this sight! All my fears are coming true! I failed to protect Ana! If Leila has harmed her or gets to harm her because she has a grudge against me, I can never forgive myself. I’d die. I’m in agony already with the sight before me. (←Dreaming With a Broken Heart by John Mayer) 
 
It hurts to breathe. It hurts to look at Anastasia who is at the receiving at of the barrel of a gun. At this moment I’m seething with anger towards everyone, and top of the list is occupied by Leila. If anything happens to Anastasia, I can’t exist without her! She’s my sun! Leila has a fucking gun pointed at Anastasia! She looks disheveled and crazed. She holds her gun even tighter when she sees me standing at the door. Whatever she wants to do, she looks intent on accomplishing it. I can’t bear the thought! Oh God! This is my personal hell...my personal torment coming into realization! What I reminded myself to be just a nightmare is here before me playing out... I glance at Ana, scanning her body with my gaze for any injury or hurt from top of her head to her high heeled feet, and seeing no visible injury, relief washes over me. But it’s short lived, because here’s Leila still holding her gun up to Ana as if she’s finally going to get some recompense for whatever she thinks I’ve done to her. 

I swallow. If she’s going to shoot anyone, it will not be Anastasia. I can’t live in a universe where Anastasia didn’t exist. Losing Anastasia wouldn’t just cause heartbreak. I don’t even know why they call it heartbreak! Because it feels like part of my body and all of my soul is missing too!  My love, my heart lies bleeding with this sight! My heart is chaffed. I numb the pain, and the love I have for Anastasia deliberately, and intent on saving her from what I have brought to her doorsteps. I enter into the apartment; my gaze is fixed on Leila. I’m in charge, I’m her Dom.

*****

EROTION

Sweet for a little even to fear, and sweet,


O love, to lay down fear at love's fair feet;


Shall not some fiery memory of his breath


Lie sweet on lips that touch the lips of death?


Yet leave me not; yet, if thou wilt, be free;


Love me no more, but love my love of thee.


Love where thou wilt, and live thy life; and I,


One thing I can, and one love cannot — die.


Pass from me; yet thine arms, thine eyes, thine hair,


Feed my desire and deaden my despair.


Yet once more ere time change us, ere my cheek


Whiten, ere hope be dumb or sorrow speak,


Yet once more ere thou hate me, one full kiss;


Keep other hours for others, save me this.


Yea, and I will not (if it please thee) weep,


Lest thou be sad; I will but sigh, and sleep.


Sweet, does death hurt? thou canst not do me wrong:


I shall not lack thee, as I loved thee, long.


Hast thou not given me above all that live


Joy, and a little sorrow shalt not give?


What even though fairer fingers of strange girls


Pass nestling through thy beautiful boy's curls


As mine did, or those curled lithe lips of thine


Meet theirs as these, all theirs come after mine;



133
And though I were not, though I be not, best,


I have loved and love thee more than all the rest.


O love, O lover, loose or hold me fast,


I had thee first, whoever have thee last;


Fairer or not, what need I know, what care?


To thy fair bud my blossom once seemed fair.


Why am I fair at all before thee, why


At all desired? seeing thou art fair, not I.


I shall be glad of thee, O fairest head,


Alive, alone, without thee, with thee, dead;


I shall remember while the light lives yet,


And in the night-time I shall not forget.


Though (as thou wilt) thou leave me ere life leave,


I will not, for thy love I will not, grieve;


Not as they use who love not more than I,


Who love not as I love thee though I die;


And though thy lips, once mine, be oftener prest


To many another brow and balmier breast,


And sweeter arms, or sweeter to thy mind,


Lull thee or lure, more fond thou wilt not find.

Algernon Charles Swinburne (1904)
Hi everyone! I hope you're all doing well. And, I'm dedicating this chapter to Linda who is getting married tomorrow. Congratulations Linda!!! I wish you a blissfully happy life with your new husband! I will post the next chapter on Monday ladies!

56 comments:

Michelle Vuko said...

Wonderful! Please don't make us wait tool long for the next chapter.

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Oh, I forgot to write that Michelle...I'll post the next chapter on Monday.

Catarina* said...

I love it! :D

I just spend the afternoon talking with another person that loves this! I've told her about your blog :D

Oh my, I will be anxious until Monday, you stopped in a very important part! I just hope we have everything until Christian asks Ana to marry him in the next chapter; otherwise I will be in the edge of my seat and twisting my fingers every day until the next chapter!! That's a crucial part of their story :D

Thanks Eminé! You rock :D

Linda, a happy day tomorrow, and I hope that it will be the start of an wonderful life :D


Kiss,

Catarina*

Anonymous said...

You left me hanging .... I almost cried when I saw the end of this chapter ... how can you do it? It is amazing ... I don't even have words to explain it. It's like being there...like watching everything...you make this story real. Oh, sweet monday, come quickly! :/ I loved it, sweetie. Keep up the good work and have a nice nap...you deserve it! :)

debbie batt said...

omg been wait,n 4 this fab , cant wait 4 the next chapter xx

Anonymous said...

Waiting for next 1 plz :)

A Day In The Life Of said...

I've been reading these posts for the past month now and am completely hooked. I actually prefer your writing to the original author's and I have actually read two other fan-fictions of Christian's POV and I didn't like them nearly as much. It's as if you knew all the things I WISHED Christian was saying when I was reading it and put them into words and made them a reality.

Thank you for sharing these with us. I'm completely hooked. I refresh the page several times a day just in case and am always so excited when I see a new post pop up. :)

Can't wait for the next few posts, as they are my favorite parts of the book!!

Anonymous said...

great as always!! Making us wanting more each time. I can't wait for monday!! The way this chapter ended is captivating!!

Khay said...

Omg I don't think I can wait til Monday. Can you do two chapters for us Monday? :D

Khadene

Martha Baltazar said...

Emine, Another great chapter. I so look forward to these chapters. I can't wait until Monday. Have a great weekend.

Rachel Smith said...

Wow. I feel like I'm about to burst at the seems....can't wait til Monday! Bravo yet again. This is so beautifully written. Your phenomenal.

Keisha said...

Nooooo! I don't want this chapter to end. So good! Brilliant as ever, Emine! I can't wait till the next one. It's leading up to one of my many fave, but also heartbreaking parts of the book. Love..love..love! Thanks again. You're awesome :)

Ana said...

Nooooooooooo! Such a good part. I'm so excited and anxious to read the next chapters up to his proposal and his birthday party. I'm am not a patient person but am so grateful for what you do Emine. Bravo!!! I should have read your blog slower so I could milk my Fifty desire as much as possible.

sisinin said...

I love it.

linda said...

thanks emine and catarina! the nerves are kicking in now! another brill chapter as usual emine love it! xxxx

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful surprise and wonderful chapter... Looking forward to Mondays release..

Amanda said...

Emine you are becoming the QUEEN of the cliff hanger! Thanks for keeping up regular posts thru your busy past few weeks! You never disappoint. THANK YOU!

mzthang said...

OMG my heart is beating so fast. Even though i've read the books I'm hooked on Christian's version.

Keep on the good work Emine and happy wedding day Linda.

mzthang said...

Be still my heart!!!!! Although I read the books i'm getting goose bumps reading Christian's POV.

Keep up the good work Emine. Have a happy wedding day Linda.

Donna said...

Monday can't get here fast enough. Can not wait for the next chapter. Thank you!

cat675 said...

Great job Emine. I can't wait to read how the scene plays out (even though we do) it great to see it all through his eyes.

Cathryn

Arianna Stacey said...

LOVE IT! Even though I know how the original pans out I was more anxious to hear Christians side...my stomach was and is in knots. Keep up the amazing work. Monday can't come fast enough.

Anonymous said...

Can't wait for Monday, I too look several times a day for an update, you know just in case. Hurry hurry hurry if you can! Love this blog, fan fiction, fan club, whatever! Thank you!

Jennifer said...

You are doing a fantastic job! I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter. I can not wait to see how you write submissive Christian fom his POV. Keep up he great work!

Jennifer said...

You are doing a fantastic job! I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter. I can not wait to see how you write submissive Christian fom his POV. Keep up he great work!

Charmaine Davies said...

EmIne ,
That was riveting,even though I know what will happen I still was completely captured by your words. I agree with A day in the life,you are better than E L James. I look forward to Monday. Happy wedding Linda.
Char

Pam Kortness said...

Monday? Im dying here! Lol, another GREAT chapter! The one coming up, is what Ive been most interested in from the start! Ive always wondered what happened with CG and Leila after Anna leaves the apt. Cant wait!!!!! Thank you for your beautiful writing!!!

Pam Kortness said...

P.S. Ive told all my 50 Shades friends about your blog, insisting they read it. Ya gotta love word of mouth. Pretty soon you'll have more followers than you know what to do with ;-)

Elizabeth Vasquez said...

Well, I absolutely love this chapter. We're at the crazy and anxiety ritten part and the intense drama can't wait to see what Christian utters to Leila to get her to drop down to her knees and what happens once Ana is gone and he's taking care of Leila.

Prince50 said...

Emine'

Perfect! Perfect! I my heart is going to beat out of my chest! I was gone on appointments and meeting. I was so glad to read this. Emine' you can always count on me. I have some placement suggest for you soon. I send via email. Have a great weekend!

Song list

Mary J blige - Real Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90c9pEtZquw


faith evans kissing you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wy2iAmtV-3g

Mary J. Blige - Love No Limit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAzKXfAwh48

Isley Brothers-Between The Sheets
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eaay2LMdDUg&feature=related

Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71-xAKCl_kg&feature=related

Depeche Mode, "Enjoy the Silence"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diT3FvDHMyo

Anonymous said...

Thanks for taking the time to write your blog. Just love it! Can't wait for the next chapter.

Brittney Vasquez said...

Cant wait for the next chapter!!! :)

Hannah said...

I came across your blog a few weeks ago. Wow, you are doing such an amazing job of writing Christian's POV, I am addicted. Can't wait for the next chapter and thank you!!

Anonymous said...

Love reading your chapters on Christian's POV every week. Thanks for all your hard work and dedication!

linda said...

hey emine,

just wanted to let you know after you dedicated this post to me, that my day was amazing :) i had the best day ever and this chapter was a welcome relief when the nerves kicked in! lol

just wanted to say thank you for all the hard work you put into these chapters and how you make the time to get to know your readers too!!

linda x

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Linda, I'm so happy that your wedding went without a hitch! I hope the days ahead are also blissful! I'm very happy for you. We're like becoming a group of friends from all around the world. We owe it to our beloved 50 without whom this wouldn't be possible.

Love you all!

In the fashion of 50, you guys made me happy, and I might, just might post the next chapter today (tit for tat). Let me finish editing it. We'll see what happens.

xxx

Mimoza said...

Dear Emine,
Rereading this chapter I find myself thinking about Christian’s behavior towards Elena. When he tells her that Anastasia is his Girlfriend…why does it sound like he wants to make Elena jealous? When he holds Ana with his arms all that he is thinking about is Elena’s reaction to his intimacy with Ana. And I see that he secretly enjoys making Elena uncomfortable and jealous in other chapters of first and second book too (telling about his sexual experience with Ana to Elena, for example in book one). Why? What for? Does he still love her? Did he ever love her? It is not clear to me. His answer to Ana’s question (Did you love her) was NO in Georgia but later he confess the opposite. And what most worry me: Does he want Elena back as a lover/sub or whatever, NOW when he has Ana in his life? I don’t want to think like that, it makes me sick. I have always thinking of him as a mythical hero who would die for his love. Ah, you understand, it is a baggage from my uprising with Macedonian and Greek myths… But the question is does he know at this point of their love story who is his love really? In other words: when will he aknowellege Ana as a love of his life and not Elena? I think that Christian doesn’t know the answer to this question at this point. I have a feeling that he constantly compare Ana to Elena: even during their sexual life.
There are many points in all 3 books which made me wandering if he was 100% honest to Ana and to himself when he told her that his affair with Elena was finished. Why would they stop their relationship after her husband already found about them and divorced her? If Christian found her love acceptable there was no reason for stopping their relationship. When he wanted to become Dom she (as dominatrix as she is) willingly, only for the sake of keeping him became his sub, so why finishing something which worked for him?
Why do I have a bitter taste in my mouth, even an unpleasant feeling of fear that he has feelings and I mean FEELINGS for Elena? This suspicions stay with me all the way from first appearance of Elena in book one to the end of third book, when actually he confess to Anastasia that there was something in the air between him and Elena unsolved, even if he was already happily married to the love of his life ?
Please, please have some rational explanation. I have to be wrong. I want to think of him as a Hero of Our Time.

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Hi Mimoza,

You’ve noticed a great detail, but it’s not what you think :) I wanted to show in away what happens to the abuse victims when they were put through certain things at such a young age. This is something I’ve noticed when I volunteered at Abused Women and Children’s shelters. Sort of like Stockholm syndrome. Christian, as an adolescent thought that he loved Elena; this comes up later in the 2nd book. The reason for this is that he thinks of himself as an imperfect, severely flawed person, and the only acceptable form of love is this twisted kind. Because he doesn’t know any better. What I wanted to emphasize her is that EVERYONE needs love, and not knowing the right way can lead the twisted forms of expression of “love making”. You know this from the Greek tragedies :) This is a huge learning experience for Christian. I wanted to show him at the cusp of the true love, and the one who almost drugged him in his most formidable years in her brand of abuse and control and he just took it a different form of love. Then comes Ana who is normal, and he does have the actual feelings of love for her. But by this time he only thinks of Elena his only friend and nothing more. Because she knows all his twisted past (after all, she got him into it), and being as private as he is, this is the only acceptable friendship. Remember, he’s still like an adolescent in his emotional growth. He denies being in love because Elena brainwashed him all along citing that love is a useless emotion. This is the place he learns to love, but he struggles against-struggling against brainwashing. His consciousness is trying to grow up here.

I’m thinking of writing about how her relationship broke up with her husband. Christian doesn’t want her back in the way she does. He sees her as someone from his past, who is now his friend, and someone who has business with him. For us regular people this is hard to comprehend, and up until nearly the end of book 3 he won’t know that he detests her touch. Elena always wants him-that’s a given. It’s Christian who doesn’t want her.

This is why the story is sooo good because this is his redemption. No one knows how to save him. He doesn’t know how to save himself. He doesn’t think what Elena did was wrong until Ana is pregnant. You know how children teach you things with this instinct that you want to protect them from everything and all of a sudden all becomes clear. That’s his revelation. I’ll write about it when the time comes.

Don’t worry.. You might get part of your answers this week, but the redemption isn’t complete until after the pregnancy. I think God has a great sense of humor. How we people always quick to judge others, yet look at the Bible-God made all these flawed men into prophets. Because we, people will make mistakes, but nothing is better than redemption. He is struggling, and learning to recognize what is wrong; not because they’re some sort of societal norms, but because it finally makes sense to him. Such behaviors are seen in children who are adopted from orphanages in Russia. Because they’re not held or loved, and left to crying, they are unable to form real bond with the adoptive parents a lot of times, because those things are forged even before we learn to speak and think. This phase completely skipped Christian. So, I’m going to show all the phases in the next book. He’s still the Hero of our Time. You’re a smart & intelligent woman to be the first one to notice what I tried to bring across.

But again, it’s not about making Elena jealous. She is just a very manipulative bitch; and he doesn’t know that. Sometimes people you trust the most are the ones who end up stabbing you in the back, and she’s it.

Mimoza said...

My Dear Friend Emine
Thank you for answering in such a short time and for enlightening me. I know about Stockholm syndrome effects and they could be accurate etiological factors for Christian’s interpretation of his feeling for Elena, I can see it now. Emine you brought Peace to my soul!
Regarding his personal growth and metamorphosis I completely agree with you and can only say: Love IS All WE NEED. The environment, the hell where Christian spends first yrs of his childhood are not close to the worst orphanage in Russia or even in Romania. Children may be neglected there but never abused like he was.
It will be very interesting and educational if you write a chapter about Elena’s relationship with her husband and how did she broke up with Christian.
I don’t know you in real material world and it is hard to believe that we will meet each other in a near future since I live in Macedonia and you in USA, but I feel free to refer to you as my FRIEND since I have developed a strong bond to your way of thinking and feeling. So my dear friend, please, please keep writing. Your version of Fifty Shades Trilogy is so much better that the original one.

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Dearest Mimoza!

You're quite right in your assessment. In the course of last several years, I’ve been a volunteer interpreter for shelters all over US and Canada. They have my phone number; and I will answer and interpret any way possible. So, I’ve met so many badly treated individuals who most of the time was unable to get out of the hole they were put in. Physical, mental, verbal abuse... too many to count. But, shockingly a lot of the people (men and women) wouldn’t press charges and hide the abuse. Christian however is very strong, physically and mentally. When real, true love enters into equations, it’s the saving grace. (Faith, hope and love). Ana gives Christian unconditional love, and he loves her in return, and she gives hope for the future and restores his faith in his worth and humanity. That’s what his redemption is about. But without love none of that is possible.

I’ve seen some footage of orphanages where children were burnt with scolding hot water. And I was disgusted reading reports about some of those children in orphanages being beaten, and raped. How could they ever recover? How anyone who calls himself/herself a human being could do that to a child, or anyone for that matter? It baffles me. But, in our story love again is the redeemer. Everyone needs love; I think if anyone is devoid of love, they’re ¾ dead, and one good shove then they’re in their perpetual grave. Luckily, we, Mediterranean people are all hot blooded; love is thick in our psyche. And this is by far one of the best love stories ever written in recent history. People underestimate love. Even the main theme of Bible is love “for God so loved the world...”

Thank you for reading my friend! Hugs ٩(^‿^)۶

jeangb said...

I've just had a belated thought, Does CG have a pocket in his pyjama pants? He produced a
condom when they were on the piano!!

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Alternate a dozen or so spanks with rubs of her bottom, using firm but very sexual stroking to spread the warmth all over her rump. A finger between her legs can be used to get her breathing faster. You can also alternate spanks with gentle rubbing of her clitoris, tugging of her labia or caressing of her anus. This will make her associate spanking with other pleasurable sensations, thus conditioning her to get aroused to spanking. Take your time, savoring every smack and every feel of that delectable behind.
7. Use the right technique
The slightly cupped palm with fingers together is the best way to spank, as it makes a good smacking sound and reddens the skin without causing excessive pain. If she seems to be unmoved by such spanks, you can give her a few with a flat palm and spread (relaxed) fingers -- those are the stingiest -- until she squirms or responds.

A slow tempo, with an irregular rhythm, is the best technique, as the moments of anticipation between each stroke add to the tension; and if she cannot tell when the next stroke might fall, it is doubly effective in increasing her arousal. Again, take your time. Remember, it is not the number of spanks or how hard they are that brings her to a high state of sexual readiness. It is how long and how deeply she feels her submissive helplessness and the total sexual stimulation of her bottom that is the key.
spank her right
A really good spanker can sometimes bring his partner to climax from such a sexy over-the-knee spanking. But every lover who knows his partner's symptoms of arousal can judge when the time is right to shift her from the spanking position to implement on his erect shaft, which should be hard and ready from having her naked bottom squirming over it.


I hope this helps you to understand the context of sexual spanking.

Penny Brueggemann said...

Wow Emine...great explanation!

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

EVIE - I know you're going to catch up here, so this info is for you:
Evie, I’ think you're missing the point here. And I’ll go to length to explain it to you.

First of all, I’d appreciate it if you’d stop seeing women as sluts & bimbos or whores. The way you accuse and perceive women who may enjoy erotic spanking as whores tell me that either you've never had sex in your life, or had it only missionary style which is not the whole context of sex at all. Telling women, and that includes quite a number of us who has been around the block, been married for several years & known our husbands in the biblical sense (to keep it clean for you) the missionary gets old pretty fast; women want more than just lying there and let the husband sit on her like a rooster. I don’t want a husband who has no talent in the bedroom. If this is the man I’m going have sex all my life, he better know the difference between his ass and his elbow and know a few tricks in the sack. You may prefer it differently. That’s YOUR choice. I like Asian food but dislike the items that seem to be still alive or raw; doesn’t mean I accuse people who eat. I don’t eat a lot of the meat products; don’t accuse people of murder who eat everything. Perception. Where do draw the moral lines? Evangelical, Roman Catholic (where every drop of semen is meant for procreation & physical pleasure was shunned upon historically), Muslim (where women are told to cover head to toe, premarital sex is punishable by stoning to death, post marital sex is taboo, men can have 4 wives), or another religion (which you can search online) where husband and wife do not get to see each other naked and have sex in the dark through a hole in the sheet for procreation. What is the norm & who has the right to draw the lines in a couple’s relationship? Where does the basis of your rights and wrongs come from that totally puts Christian’s sexual practices on the wrong side of the scale? If it’s wrong for you, then you certainly won’t be practicing it his way & that would be the end of the story.

A lot of the women who read my blog regularly are passionate, and they want more in their relationships. You, coming and telling Christian Grey or people who want more than just missionary in their sex life (calling whore: men/women who sell their body for money, bimbo: an attractive but empty-headed young woman-a sex object, slut: a woman who has many casual sexual partners) is rather unfair. Let me tell you: sex is messy, it's not clean, it can be gentle, it can be rough – if you dislike the idea of the complexity of the sexual relationships, this series is not for you. If people think sex is clean, they’re doing it wrong.

Erotic spanking is not brutality. Women enjoy it. It can be very sensual. I'm assuming you've never taken human sexuality in college; otherwise you would already have this basic information.

I will try to be informative about this for you and you are of course free to deduce your own conclusion. You have to realize that these books are in "erotic romance" genre. You can't expect to find 19th century classic English novel style, the Romanticism or Victorian literature style love here: this isn't the time of Elisabeth Bennett, Jane Eyre, Lucy Steele, Maria Bertram, Mary Crawford, Lucie Manette, Charles Darnay, Sydney Carton, Mr. Darcy or even Heathcliff for that matter. This is the 21st century. This is what happens now.

Let me explain it in the simplest terms possible (human sexuality 101):

In a normal relationship, perhaps 99% of the population wouldn't know what Christian knows about sex, because through sex he learned how to control, to be in charge of his body and his surroundings. He doesn't exercise total control with Ana (because she can't tolerate the full extent).

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

The reader needs to understand that the purpose wasn't hurting her but increasing her pleasure. Spanking is about intensity of sensation transcending consciousness to directly stimulate the part of the brain that processes sexual pleasure. It bypasses perception and its effect is felt afterwards as an echo. There are pleasure receptors under the layer of fat in buttocks, groin, and thighs. The nerves for pleasure are abundant in the buttocks, but covered with a thick layer of adipose tissue (fat) and that spanking can/does trigger these usually neglected pleasure sensors. Hard spanking is necessary to reach through all the fat.

So, if you understand that his intent was never to hurt her, but intensify her pleasure then concept becomes clearer. He was also exercising it within her limits. For the sake of the argument, let’s say that you were with him & you've set your limits of not receiving this sort of "pleasure" then spanking would become your hard limit. Ana wasn't opposed to it. She was only opposed to flogging, paddles and the other really hard punishment tools (which is a lot of women’s hard limit). So it's all about set limits. This was not a hard limit for Ana. That's why Christian likes to determine the hard and soft limits as opposed to just exercising what he likes. It's all about pleasure for both of the involved parties.
A while ago, I read a book called "Anatomy of Pleasure" by Dr. Victoria Zdrok (she has a PhD in Clinical Psychology, and a certificate in sex therapy from New Jersey School of Medicine). I have also looked into Kama Sutra, and various books to understand spanking in sexual context. Sex with properly administered spanking is many times better than the one without. So, I'm going to explain it to you point by point.

Christian understands sex. Pain and pleasure has a fine line. The spanking you complained was in the context of pleasure. A lot of cultures describe pain as an aphrodisiac. Kama Sutra in particular details how to properly strike a partner during sex. There are depictions in even Etruscan Tombs from 5th century BC where two men are flagellating a woman during an erotic situation, i.e. erotic spanking. This can be carried out bare or gloved hand or with other implements: canes, whips, rulers, rolled up newspapers, hairbrush, feather duster, paddle, riding crops, birches, sneakers, etc. (Ana can't handle the rougher spanking, so she prefer rulers, riding crops or bare hands etc.)

When they both know that it's not for punishment, but pleasure, the thought administration is different, so does the thought process to give and receive it. Few things are received: the adrenalin released into her system to counteract the pain, and that in return raises her libido. Endorphins are released which in return translates into sexual arousal and pleasure. It's like a sexual partner digging her nails into the man's back at certain times during sex or neck biting and they only receive pleasure what should normally be painful.

But most of all, the turn on isn't so much the sensation of pain, it's in the feeling of helpless submission and vulnerability of being bent before the partner. He pays attention to her behind which is a primary erotic zone, the anticipation of sexual pleasures to come.

For the man, the arousing aspect of spanking is the feeling of control and power of his helpless lover (or the illusion of it), and the excitement of playing with her attractive bottom, turning it pink and putting her in the mood for some hot, passionate sex.

To master the art of erotic spanking, it is important to understand the following six principles:
• The bottom is a prime erogenous zone; however, unlike other zones such as the breasts and back of the neck, the sexual arousal nerves in the bottom are buried in a layer of fat and require harder stimulation -- like in spanking -- to trigger them;

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

• The physiological process of sexual arousal demands that before orgasm can occur, blood must be collected and kept in the genitals and nearby areas. Spanking creates just such a physiological response, as the stinging of the skin causes blood to collect in the bottom (and simultaneously in the nearby genitals), thus accomplishing "mechanically" what caresses and kisses do psychologically;
• A properly done spanking, such as over the knee or with a cushion or other support propping up the woman's bottom, causes the bottom to squirm from the sting, simultaneously resulting in her rubbing her clitoris on the supporting knee, pillow, etc.
• The feeling of "surrender" or submission is an important part of a woman's sexual response, as many women need to give up control and give themselves "permission" to feel sexual. Spanking incites and reinforces such feelings; The last two spanking principles, and some specific tips to make it really hot
• However, a woman must feel safe before she can give up control and surrender. Therefore, you must first earn her trust before attempting the game of erotic spanking. You must equate the spanking with sexual pleasure, eschewing any anger, sado-masochistic impulses or desire to humiliate her.
• The tacit understanding, no matter what the role play, should be that spanking is a form of foreplay and that orgasm is the goal of both players. Therefore, the actual spanks should be mixed with caresses and gentle rubbing of her bottom and genitalia, and other foreplay if possible.
Sexual spanking
To use spanking in your sexual repertoire, it is always good to do a little role playing. You can play the stern guardian or headmaster punishing the naughty schoolgirl, or the offended husband or lover pretending to punish his wife or girlfriend for some imaginary transgression. (She lost the game - that's the imaginary transgression. That also satisfies his need of being in control which is equal to his need of having sex with her).

There are hundreds of roles that can be used as an "excuse" to give your lover a sexy over-the-knee spanking, but whatever role you choose to play, here are some tips to make it especially sexy (and you'll remember him making her unbutton her shirt, lean down on the billiard table to make shots, stretch, etc. so he put her in the mood and position that is arousing to both, and below are the methods it can be applied to various situations):
1- Give her a specific "punishment" time and make her wait for it
The anticipation will add to her sexual arousal and increase her receptivity. You can accentuate this by making her wear ben-wa balls or play with herself at regular intervals while waiting for her spanking. Of course, you will want to ensure that she obeys your instructions, and that she knows her spanking will be harder if she disobeys.
2- Order her to "prepare herself" for her spanking
This could mean taking a bath and making herself clean and beautiful, or dressing in a particular way (e.g. in a schoolgirl outfit, in particular lingerie or in another sexy costume). Tell her that the length of her spanking will depend on how beautiful you find her at the appointed time. These acts of preparing herself will have a direct effect on her state of arousal, as it will make her think about it constantly.
3- Take your time to inspect her appearance when she presents herself for her spanking
Comment on every aspect that might add to her punishment or subtract from it, and let your eyes and hands inspect every inch of her body. The intense scrutiny you are giving her will intensify her excitement.

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

4- Before beginning the spanking, make her perform a ritual
This could be kneeling in front of you and begging forgiveness for the imaginary transgression. Always agree that she will be forgiven after her "punishment," as you don't want to humiliate her. You should act as if you are only spanking her "for her own good," and you might even tell her about how you intend to ravish her if she is a "good girl" during her spanking.

So what should you do once you have her across your knees? Find out how to perform the perfect sexual spanking session
5- When she is across your knees, take your time before starting
Play with her bottom, squeezing and "testing" its firmness and fullness -- and you can feel between her legs to see if she is getting wet. Tell her what you are going to do to her bottom, and how it will look in a few minutes. If you feel her trembling with excitement, you know she is really ready!
6- Ease into the heavier spanking
When you actually start the spanking, you may start by spanking her over her clothing, then over her panties (if you have her wearing them). Once you have warmed her bottom, you will always want to spank her on her bare bottom, as that is the sexiest kind of spanking.

Alternate a dozen or so spanks with rubs of her bottom, using firm but very sexual stroking to spread the warmth all over her rump. A finger between her legs can be used to get her breathing faster. You can also alternate spanks with gentle rubbing of her clitoris, tugging of her labia or caressing of her anus. This will make her associate spanking with other pleasurable sensations, thus conditioning her to get aroused to spanking. Take your time, savoring every smack and every feel of that delectable behind.
7. Use the right technique
The slightly cupped palm with fingers together is the best way to spank, as it makes a good smacking sound and reddens the skin without causing excessive pain. If she seems to be unmoved by such spanks, you can give her a few with a flat palm and spread (relaxed) fingers -- those are the stingiest -- until she squirms or responds.

A slow tempo, with an irregular rhythm, is the best technique, as the moments of anticipation between each stroke add to the tension; and if she cannot tell when the next stroke might fall, it is doubly effective in increasing her arousal. Again, take your time. Remember, it is not the number of spanks or how hard they are that brings her to a high state of sexual readiness. It is how long and how deeply she feels her submissive helplessness and the total sexual stimulation of her bottom that is the key.
Spank her right
A really good spanker can sometimes bring his partner to climax from such a sexy over-the-knee spanking. But every lover who knows his partner's symptoms of arousal can judge when the time is right to shift her from the spanking position to implement on his erect shaft, which should be hard and ready from having her naked bottom squirming over it.


I hope this helps you to understand the context of sexual spanking.

elyelena said...

W Emine.
I'm too disappointed with this guest to speack right now. I prefer be hironic and say that I'm so glad to be not considered a slut by all the world, so I'm going to translate all to my hubby and find out how many pleasurable nerves there are under my very fat bottocks. We will really try, and try hard Really I respect the opinions of every one but I firmly refuse to be considered a bad person just because, in an healty and safe contest, I don't consider awful the speacking thing. Even if I don't do it,... for now at least. Read Voltaire please.

Love you Emine

Elena

Alexandra Cunha said...

Bom dia Eminne, que bom que tudo já está ficando normal novamente.
Quanto ao comentário do Cowboyland, sou totalmente defensora de suas idéias. São ótimas!
Acho que nosso amigo está frustrado e preso em um mundo sureal, não existe mais.
Se os pensamentos dele são tão retrógrados o que o leva a procurar romances ERÓTICOS, para sua diversão?
Você é ótima em sua versão!
Bjos e muita saúde para você e toda sua família!

Alexandra Cunha said...

Bom dia Eminne, que bom que tudo já está ficando normal novamente.
Quanto ao comentário do Cowboyland, sou totalmente defensora de suas idéias. São ótimas!
Acho que nosso amigo está frustrado e preso em um mundo sureal,que não existe mais.
Se os pensamentos dele são tão retrógrados o que o leva a procurar romances ERÓTICOS, para sua diversão?
Você é ótima em sua versão!
Bjos e muita saúde para você e toda sua família!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your very instructive explanations Emine. I have to admit that before reading Fifty Shades, I had heard about SDM but had no idea a couple could use it for his/her own pleasure!

S. from France

mnm92275 said...

Emine, First I want to say thank you for the explanations and the research you put into all of the information about the spankings. I am one of those people that think the same way as you, I would never tell any one what is proper from THEM in the bedroom but all I will say is that if we were not meant to be spanked (for fun hot sex) then those nerves endings would not be there!! And that is why there are so many flavors in the world because not everyone likes just plain vanilla lol. Love, Melinda

Anonymous said...

Thanks a lot for your job, it make me able to wait to the film to be finish!!
I like the way you're in christian!!
Christine from france

Anonymous said...

"Those who fall into the ocean, hang onto a snake if they must to stay afloat."
Emine, this is a saying from my father's country and I think we share a common language and background with you. I have to say that I enjoy and appreciate your work immensely. Actually, I am neglecting my translation projects just to read your blog. Thank you for your patience and effort. Sevgiler...

Sanna said...

I've really enjoyed reading Christian's POV. And like I said earlier, the next chapter(s) are the ones I've really wanted to read. That's not saying I haven't wanted to read everything else, because I have.

Pam Cutshall said...

This is my first comment about how much I am loving your POV of Christian Grey. I am so excited for my nightly chapter reading and have made it thus far . I am glad that I happened upon your blog, after completion, rather than having to wait for each chapters release. You have amazing insight into his thoughts with all his Fifty Shades of Fuckedupness! I initially was going to get the book "Grey" but to be honest, I so much more enjoy your version and have no need to look any further. Thank you for this opportunity I have and will continue to share this with my friends and family.