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Saturday, November 23, 2013

BOOK IV - Chapter XVI - Christian and Anastasia Fanfiction

CHAPTER XVI

Nightmares

Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood here wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Anastasia?"

This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Anastasia!"--

Merely this, and nothing more...
Edgar Allan Poe



How can a man fall in love with his wife all over again? This creature sleeping in my arms is the most precious person that exists for me. She wants to learn to take control. I knew she had untapped skills which I long wanted to explore, and learning control gives greater access to our secret abilities. Darker abilities… I lightly kiss her shifting form in my embrace. She snuggles up to my chest and perfectly fits into the crook of my arm. Her arm reaches around my torso seeking her own connection.

“Christian…” she murmurs. I open my mouth to respond, but note that her eyes are still closed, deep in slumber. She’s sleeping. It makes me happy to no end that she is still thinking of me even in her sleep. I slide off the bed, put my jeans on, with my chest still bare, swoop my wife up wrapped in the red sheets, and carry her out to our bedroom. I don’t like sleeping in the playroom. Though I don’t think Anastasia minds sleeping in it; I still prefer her in my bed. She’s no longer intimidated about the playroom which makes me immensely happy. The way she worked her way back to the Playroom makes me think she find pleasure and comfort in it after all. I unlock the door with one hand while supporting my wife’s body in my arms. I open the door and exit the room with my wife in my possession.

My exhausted girl buries her head deeper into my chest. I come down the stairs and walk the stretch of the Great Room. Mrs. Jones is busy cooking in the kitchen. My feet only makes soft padding footfalls, and not loud noises. But, with her keen hearing, Mrs. Jones looks up from her task of cutting vegetables and cooking.

“Are you ready…” Mrs. Jones starts as she looks up from her task. “…for dinner?” her voice falls to a chagrined manner. I just shake my head in response and mouth “not yet.” Mrs. Jones turns crimson, and lowers her head to her task as she nods her agreement to me. I walk into our bedroom, and close the door with the heel of my foot. I lay Anastasia on the bed under the covers and make sure she doesn’t get cold. She looks exhausted. Pregnancy, today’s event’s, the Playroom… No wonder why she’s sleeping  the sleep of death. The thought makes me wince. Her hair is fanned on her pillow. I slowly lie on the covers.  Extending my hand to her hair gently, I rub it slowly pushing it away from her face. A deep sigh escapes her lips. The vibration of my Blackberry sitting on the side table both startles me and makes me frown. Who would be calling? I lean in and look at the name. It’s Welch. I sigh. I slowly lower my legs and stand upright and take the Blackberry.

Find him,

Bind him,

Tie him to a pole and break his fingers to splinters.

Drag him to a hole until he wakes up,

Naked, clawing to the ceiling of his grave.

The mariner’s Revenge

“Grey,” I answer curtly. I open the drawer and find a white t-shirt to pull over.
“Welch’s here,” here greets me.
“What’s up?” I ask as I slowly pad my way out of the bedroom, gently closing the door behind me.
“I have uncovered the how the news got leaked.”
“How?” I ask as I head towards my study.
“They heard it from the horse’s mouth. From Mrs. Grey,” he says. I halt in my tracks.
“Come again?” I ask.


“I should rephrase that statement. The paparazzi’s source eavesdropped on a private conversation Mrs. Grey was having. The source however is credible. Clearly, Mrs. Grey wasn’t announcing her pregnancy to whoever was listening in. She was with Ms. Kavanagh last week at her wedding planner’s. Ms. Kavanagh asked Mrs. Grey if she was absolutely sure of the due date of her baby to which Mrs. Grey replied that her doctor the two of you that her baby was due either on May 11th or the 12th. Then Miss Kavanagh said to her that the Country Club they were reserving was available a week and a half before, and a week after her baby was due. They were holding both dates to get a clear due date from Mrs. Grey. Miss Kavanagh was asking Mrs. Grey if they should do the wedding before the baby was due because her Maid of Honor dress would be made to fit her pregnancy size, and it would be hard to do the adjustments in that short of a time frame or whether Mrs. Grey was up to the task so shortly after the baby is born…” he says. So, Kavanagh was careless enough to discuss Anastasia’s unannounced pregnancy in front of complete strangers.

“Who was the person that spilled the beans to the paparazzi?” I ask gritting my teeth as I walk into my study. And how would they know that it was worth money or mean anything to someone?

“He wouldn’t reveal the name, sir. It could have been anyone who was working that day. But then again, there couldn’t have been a lot of people. These planners have a few assistants, and Miss Kavanagh would be a high profile client for her, so most of the employees would have been informed about confidentiality of the clients’ conversations unless it’s someone who is newly hired and shrewd. But even then, it would have been made abundantly clear that these clients care about their privacy immensely,” I sink into my chair, and start keep tapping my fingers on my table.

“So, the leak was accidental?”

“I couldn’t easily dismiss it as an accidental overhearing, Mr. Grey. Clearly someone listened in on a private conversation that went on between Mrs. Grey and Miss Kavanagh. That’s why the information came out of the blue. The person who leaked it wasn’t known to the paparazzi who usually have someone planted in these expensive venues where rich and famous shop, and of course a wedding planner such as the one Miss Kavanagh’s family chose only caters to a certain high level income bracket. However, the individual who called the paparazzi knew the ropes, knew exactly whom to call even though he or she acted naïve. The reporter however didn’t want to reveal his source. Because, if he reveals it, the subsequent stories may not come his way from other willing sources. However, for a few thousand dollars, he revealed the location which gives us a starting point.”

“So, you have no clue who that was?”

“I have to go and interview the wedding planner tomorrow. By the time I have uncovered the first part, she was gone to meet one of her clients and wasn’t in her office.”

“Just out of curiosity…. Why wouldn’t the paparazzi part with the source’s name? Clearly, he could have leveraged it with something else he wanted from you in return,” I query.

“The information he would get from us would be one piece of information and finite in lieu of the name he would be releasing. Disclosing the name of the source can be notorious among his peers and clearly it would be very bad for his line of work. On the other hand, I got the feeling that he either expects more from that source either a lead to another story, or that he’s certain that he will get more information about Mrs. Grey, perhaps something more valuable.” The rage I feel is instantaneous, and murderous. I find myself holding the edge of my desk so hard, my knuckles turn white. This is my wife, and someone out there is willing to trade information about without having any regard for her safety.

“What does that mean? None of the conversations are private in that place?” I hiss. I have to warn my brother to put a muzzle on his fiancée if he has to. Her loose mouth is going to hurt my wife! Marrying a Grey family member requires family loyalty, and protecting the interest of the members this family comes first; we protect one another, not undermine one another willingly or otherwise. Kavanagh’s behavior is discombobulating. We would never put her in such jeopardy so carelessly. She is a journalist. She should know how media works. A confirmed bachelor billionaire marrying and getting his wife pregnant on their honeymoon is the wet dream of a gossip magazine. Clearly the careless remarks of Kavanagh discussing Ana’s her due date has simply thrusted my wife against her will or her wishes into the center of the tabloid universe which clearly terrified her.

Welch’s husky voice brings me back here and now. “I’m quite sure that they go to great lengths to keep their client’s privacy a priority. Otherwise they could have never attained the level of respect from the upper crust clients they’re attracting. That’s what I’m counting on to ensure the owner’s cooperation in uncovering the perpetrator. A displeased Grey family would certainly be a blow to their credibility as a business that caters those who requires utmost confidentiality and professionalism.” I may be perceived as a rich prick who demands confidentiality, but then again, hardly anyone want their lives dissected, analyzed and criticized on the national arena. I will do everything to keep my wife away from such exposure and I will punish anyone who wishes her harm.

“Here’s my concern: If you are so confident that this couldn’t be a loose mouth employee, then there must be an underlying threat you’re seeing which you have not explained to me yet.”

“I can’t jump into conclusions without solid evidence Mr. Grey. I have to first eliminate the apparent suspects, namely the employees who were working on the day Mrs. Grey was present. I want to get their names, and interview them personally. I will also see if they had any delivery man, repairman, or other possible patrons who were there at the time. Though I have spoken to Sawyer who secured the area. He said he kept everyone at the allocated distance from Mrs. Grey. As I eliminate those possibilities, I have to explore the darker aspects, other possible malicious intent. Miss Kavanagh and her mother settled on this particular wedding planner about a month ago. You and Mrs. Grey are unapproachable for others. But, Miss Kavanagh is not as unapproachable. She has not accepted our offers of providing security for her...” says Welch putting it mildly. I remember the response Welch relayed back: ‘Keep your leash on somebody else! I’m not marrying you; I’m certainly not marrying your security detail! Keep them away from me! If I see them around me without my permission you can be sure that I will call the cops on them for stalking! I’m not Ana.’ And that just about sums it. She’s not Ana, but in a way, her carelessness is putting my wife in danger.
 
“…But it makes Miss Kavanagh an easy target to tail should someone wanted to get to Mrs. Grey. They’re best friends, and with Miss Kavanagh’s wedding preparations where Mrs. Grey is partaking, it’s possible some of your adversaries to explore those options to find vulnerabilities. You’re only as strongly protected as your weakest link. And, there you have your weakest link, sir.” I run my hand through my hair in exasperation.

“I can’t make my brother’s fiancée to agree to have security. I have had a hard enough time with my own sister. Even she eluded me,” I say angrily, remembering how she got kidnapped to bait Anastasia.

“Find out who was responsible, and determine how to plug that security hole. I want to fuck-ups, no dangers directed to my family, especially towards my wife. Understand?” It’s not a question. It’s an order.

“Perfectly, sir.”

After hanging up, I hold the bridge of my nose to ward off an oncoming headache. Katherine Kavanagh and Jose Rodriguez are the two thorns on my side. Ana, I think proudly, has taken care of him. The ball crusher however has to be reasoned with. She’s not only my brother’s fiancée, but she is also my wife’s best friend. I can’t completely eliminate her from our lives, or forbid Ana to see her. I’d like to, but I can’t. She doesn’t have many friends and the ones she has are pains in my ass. I gotta see Flynn. I still haven’t completely settled the fears of becoming a father. Maybe tonight if Ana’s is well, maybe tomorrow.

My door opens slowly and I look up with anger. Seeing Anastasia, my gaze softens.

“Hi,” she says in a velvety voice. “Why are you holed up here?” My gaze thaws as I look at my wife. She’s still same girl I married, but her features are now more defined, shapely, her body is well toned, and there’s something else about her. Pregnancy is making her more curvaceous, her breasts fuller, firmer, her hips rounder, and her nipples are getting deliciously longer; in fact she is slowly getting a womanly roundness to her belly right above her pubic bone.

Anastasia is wearing her low cut shorts and tank tops, baring her long legs, watering my mouth. Her chestnut hair is down to her waist, and shiny, begging me to run my hands through them. My wife looks at me with her blue eyes, arresting me in my place. She licks her lips as if she’s parched for water, and then captures her lower lip between her teeth, thoughtfully punishing it. She walks towards me slowly. Rounding the table, she stands before me. My gaze remains on her with full intensity, unblinking. I turn my chair to accommodate my wife. She climbs up on my lap, and curls into me, seeking refuge as if something scared her. My embrace instantly closes on her, and I hug her tighter into my chest.


“What is it?” I ask softly, inquisitively as I try to hide my anxiety.

She shakes her head.

“Anaaa!” I reprimand without raising my voice.

“Just had a bad dream, that’s all.” I lift her face up with my index finger, searching for any evidence that there’s more to what she’s stating.

“You promised to be open with me.” I say trying not to accuse her.

“I was just sleeping Christian. What else could have happened? It must have been the days’ events came crashing down on me,” she whispers. Then her voice goes lower if it was even possible. I strain to hear her. “I saw that our baby was hurt, in the commotion of a large crowd. All I was seeing was camera flashes everywhere. I couldn’t look. I couldn’t see. And the baby was there for one minute, gone the next. I could hear the baby’s cries. Hurt cries…” she shudders. “My heart broke. It was instinctive. I tried to shove people aside, and so did Sawyer. But, all I could see was that the crowd was growing and somehow pushing you and Taylor away. No matter how hard we tried to push them away to reach one another, it just got impossible. And the Blip was screaming. We both tried to find him. Just couldn’t… Then I lost it. I was like a mad woman. I don’t know how to do crowd control. I’m frightened, Christian. A lot.” She states simply with shaky voice. I dig my nose into her hair, inhaling her deeply.

“I won’t let that happen. I will NEVER let that happen!” I emphasize. “Crowds will not part us. I will protect both of you. And Ana… thank you, baby,” I whisper. She lifts her head up, tilting it back, she looks at me confused.

“For what?” she asks.

“For being honest with me. Open. You opened up, told me about your dream, let me into your nightmare so I can make it go away. I’m grateful, baby.” A semblance of a smile reaches, and tugs the corners of her mouth.

“Would you like to go see Flynn with me this evening?”

“This evening? I didn’t know you had an appointment with Flynn.”

“I don’t. Yet. But, I pay him a small fortune to be available when I need him to be. You’re shaken up, and it’s giving you nightmares. I want to make this go away and I will but I need to have you get help first.” She sighs.

“Okay.”

“I’ll call and let Flynn know, and then we’ll eat dinner before we go.” Her stomach growls as if in agreement.

*****      *****

John Flynn is surprised to hear that both of us are coming. I can hear the slight tinge of excitement in his voice. Even if he wasn’t available tonight, he is making sure that he can come and see us both in his office. Even Flynn isn’t immune to Anastasia’s charms.

Mrs. Jones has fixed chicken marsala, mashed potatoes, and spring mix salad. I pour myself white wine, and Ana eyes it with yearning.

“Sparkling water, juice, or ginger ale Mrs. Grey?” I ask.

“Cranberry juice and ginger ale, please,” she says.

“Any particular reason for the mix? Is it craving?”

“Yes, but not you’re thinking. I’m going to close my eyes and pretend that it’s cranberry juice and vodka.”

“Cosmo? Hmmm…” I murmur. “Georgia,” I say as my gaze darkens with wanton desire.

“Christian!” she chastises me in a low voice her eyes darting back and forth to Mrs. Jones who is putting away dishes and studiously ignoring us. After she puts the last container, she quietly walks away from the kitchen.

“Well?” I ask. I’m a man with a healthy sexual appetite and I’m lusting after my wife especially when she’s referring to a passionate reunion we’ve had.  

“I want you, but not right now.”

“Why not now?” I ask, visibly tensing with her denial. Was I too harsh on her earlier? “I bet I can change your mind,” I coax her in a husky tone.

“Yes, you can, Mr. Grey. Easily. But are you forgetting that we are going to see Flynn?”

“Flynn can wait,” I say leaning into her ear whispering. My eyes are wide, focused on her face. I watch her eyes soften and her lips slowly part. Her tongue slowly caresses over her top lip. She sets an intense and immediate fire within me which takes over my body, spreading like wild fire, coursing through my veins. My cock is throbbing for her, ready to steal my wits.

“I want to see Flynn. I might get better focused… after we see him.”

“I bet I can get your mind off of whatever’s bothering you,” I murmur. She sighs; pursing her lips, then bites her lower lip.

“When you do that…” I say as I slowly tug her chin to free her lower lip, then lean and kiss it. Taking it into the captivity of my teeth, I suck and then slightly bite it. Finally I lick her lip to take the sting away. “…being inside you is all I can think about, baby,” I murmur into her mouth, making her gasp. Her hands slowly travel up into my hair. Her fingers thread among the clumps of my hair, pulling me into her. I moan a deep guttural sound.

“Bed!” she moans finally giving in and I swallow the sound of her voice with my kisses grinning. Finally pulling back, I kiss her nose.

“Have you forgotten that we have an appointment with Dr. Flynn? Come, let’s go,” I say standing up, extending my hand. She blinks, confused.

“What the hell?” she asks. “Did you not just turn me on full blast? Now you’re leaving me hot and bothered!” I hide a smile.

“I’ll service you when we get back baby. Think how good it will be. Anticipation, Ana, is the key to seduction,” I murmur without taking my gaze off her. I lean down and inhale her scent deeply once again.

She groans. “Why on earth are you torturing us?” she complains.

“Lesson number two, baby: Managing your urges. Can you focus on something entirely different while you have an overwhelming, base, elemental desire to do something else?” I pull her to her feet with enough force to keep her flush with my body.

“Hunger…” I whisper as I kiss her nose. “Thirst…” I kiss the left corner of her lips. “Lusssst…” This time my voice is low, deep, passionate, and hungry for her. I kiss the right corner of her lip. “Unbearable urge to fuck…” A sharp exhale and a desperate whimper escape her lips. Anastasia and I are very in tune of each other. She responds to my body, the tone of my voice, the way I look at her instantly.

“I thought you said we’re going to Dr. Flynn’s,” she says swallowing. One side of my lips curls up in semblance of a smile. I catch her buttocks and pull her into my ever growing erection. I lock her hands behind her back, and rub my erection through the fabric of our clothes. She tilts her head back, her hair touching the arm I’m using to immobilize her hands. A groan of pure lust reverberates her throat as I lean down and nip and lick her exposed throat.

I pull her back up and tug her behind me. “Let’s change and go see the good doctor,” I say with the intimate timbre of my voice, leaving my wife hot as if she’s on fire.

“Christian, it’s not fair!” she complains as we reach our bedroom door.

“What isn’t fair Mrs. Grey?” I ask innocently.

“You know what! You’re leaving me hot and bothered! And don’t act so innocent!” she says frowning. I close the door behind us and tug her into our closet.

“Mrs. Grey, you’re wounding my ego. I’m merely trying to help you learn control. The lessons aren’t over yet. You want to master the skills, don’t you, baby?” I ask challenging her.

“Yeees!” she says grunting. This time I grin in her response.

“I won’t be able to focus, Mr. Grey!”

“That’s the point. I want you to learn to compartmentalize each and every feeling. Redirect your urges, and focus on something else…”

“It’s only going to get worse!”

“Yes, but you will be able to hold off. That’s what being provoked feels like. If you give the expected reaction, they’ll know how to goad you.”

“It’s hard with you, Christian!” she complains. I turn to her unexpectedly, picking her off the floor; I press her back to the wall. She immediately wraps her legs around my torso, and her arms snake around my neck. My cock is aching for her. This is punishing for me as well, but I mean to collect big at the end of the night. My mouth seals over hers with ferocious hunger. We’re all tongue and lips. Every angulation and stroke of my hip pushes into her. She softens and opens her legs up wider. Her arms fall behind me, scratching and clawing; trying to pull me into her, her body is screaming at me to crawl inside her. She’s primed and ready to go. When I finally let her down, she’s panting.


“Christian, were you just teasing me?” she asks.

“No, baby,” I answer calmly, though I am barely restraining my urges.

“You don’t want me then?” Her eyes worried, horrified even.

I take her hand and place it on my straining erection.

“Does this feel like I don’t want you, Mrs. Grey?” She visibly swallows, hard.

“N..n..no..” she stutters.

“Good, because, I do! We have an appointment to get to. I just want you to be focused on that.” She thinks about it for a minute.

“It’s a hard lesson, Christian,” she says pursing her lips.

“Control, baby. Control!”

“And if I combust?”

“Oh, I got a trick or two to put your fire out,” I smile.

*****      *****

We’re in the back of the SUV. I don’t let go of Anastasia’s hand.

“Ana, when you went to Kate’s wedding planner last week, who else was there with you?” I ask. She looks at me quizzically.

“Kate, her mom and Mia. Why?”

“Anyone else? Did she have any of the bride maids with her at any time?” Ana narrows her eyes and searches my face. There’s more than curiosity. There’s a tinge of jealousy as well. The kind of jealousy I would feel if my wife’s name was mentioned in the same sentence with another man’s name. This revelation makes me happy of course, but I hide it.

“Why the curiosity in Kate’s bride maids?” she asks without giving an answer.

“Because Welch discovered that the paparazzi leak that hounded you this morning came from someone who was present with you or someone who was there at the wedding planner’s when Kate was discussing your due date coinciding with her wedding. What else did you two talk about?”

“Christian, how did you know what we talked about? Are you having Sawyer eavesdrop on me?” she asks. Her eyes drift to the back of Sawyer’s head whose ears flush pink.

“Jesus, no! I told you, it was Welch who found out. Sawyer’s job is your protection. Don’t reprimand him for doing his job. He’s supposed to do what he’s assigned to do. There are two of you now, and I thought you would think the safety of our Blip above Kavanagh’s…” she glares at me, “Kate’s,” I correct myself, “wedding plans. It isn’t because her wedding is unimportant, baby. But somehow you end up being on the end that gets harmed.” She sighs.

“Kate told me that she refused the security measures you offered her. She said she doesn’t want to be like me, tailed and followed by security to have only the illusion of privacy.”

“That’s fine, but she has to be careful to not to blurt out our private information. Then we’ll end up keeping her out of the loop.”

“Christian, this wouldn’t have been a big deal if I was Jose’s or Ethan’s wife,” she says. I growl.

“Jose or Ethan?” I bellow. Is she goading me?

“You know what I mean,” she corrects herself.

“No, Anastasia! I don’t know what you mean. Explain to me how Jose or Ethan got into the conversation as the hypothetical fathers of MY child in you!” I hiss in a dangerously low voice.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it that way. It came to my mind first because that’s what Kate had said.” The ball crusher makes her way into our relationship again!

“Anastasia,” I say lacing our fingers. “Katherine Kavanagh doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of what happens to you. Honestly, I’m disappointed in her that, she as your best friend who was devastated about you when you were in the hospital after Hyde’s attack would have a little more consideration. Especially when that said friend is pregnant!” I say with fervor. “But the consequences of your actions and the actions of your friends who maybe careless about our privacy ends up falling on you – on all three of us! Kate cannot possibly worry about you the way I do… Clearly… Because I’m the one who is in love with you! It’s easy for Kate or anyone else to have opinions about my life, yours, and ours, but they’re not me, they’re not you, and they’re not us! They don’t live our lives. I am worth a lot of money. When people want a piece of that, they will not stop at any means to harm you, or get their hands on you. There are people who would inflict harm on your and our child for a pack of cigarettes without any second thoughts! It’s that simple. You become a means to an end. I don’t want you or MY wife and child to pay the consequences of those actions. I thought we agreed on that.”

“Yes, we did. It’s just hard for me to comprehend that even an innocent conversation of my due date would bring some harm. That’s what bothers me! It’s as if I can’t have girl time with my best friend, or enjoy what others of my age are enjoying, even simply being pregnant.”

“Baby, I thought being Christian Grey’s wife has countless benefits,” I say with a lascivious smile, softly caressing her face with the back of my hand. She leans into my touch, her eyes closed. “We just have to use a little more discretion. Now, tell me, who else was there, Anastasia?” She rolls her eyes.

“The wedding planner, two of her assistants, Mrs. Kavanagh and Mia. Sawyer waited at the door to give us privacy. Oh, and I briefly saw a very good looking man in his early 30s. He was tall, well built, maybe in the military, but he didn’t have the buzz cut Taylor or Sawyer had. The wedding planner didn’t introduce us, but he might have been her boyfriend by the way he held her behind the wall.” I grit my teeth in the amount of description she gives me of this man. If she paid this much attention to his appearance in the brief time she’s seen him not to mention when she was with the loudmouth Kavanagh… Jealousy rises in me again.

“I’m not sure if I like it that you paid so much attention to another man, Mrs. Grey. And how would you know he was in the armed services if he didn’t have the telltale signs of the buzz cut?”
“Because I’m the daughter of an ex-army man who has been to combat. It’s the way they walk, look at you, or scan a place they enter as if they’re about to be ambushed.  But he didn’t stay long. He just nodded at us, and then he was busy fondling the wedding planned until she happily shooed him away.”

“Did he leave the building?” I purr.

“Your voice is so hot, you can melt wax, husband,” she says pursing her lips, her eyes eat me up as if I am the desert, a banquet for a starving woman, then sighs. My hand settles on her knee intimately, and then I squeeze it, slightly moving it up to her thigh. Her gaze follows the movement of my hand hungrily. She swallows. Without lifting her gaze up she says, “He left, but I couldn’t tell you whether he left the building, or her showroom.” Taylor turns into Flynn’s office’s parking lot and parks. Both Sawyer and Taylor jumps off the SUV and open the doors for us. I get off the car immediately and rounding behind the car I reach Anastasia, holding her hand. Lacing our fingers, I walk towards Flynn’s office door. A cool breeze courses over us, making Ana shiver. I pull her to my side.  John Flynn opens the door to greet us with a warm smile.

“Anastasia, how wonderful to see you! I hear congratulations are in order,” he says extending his hand. Anastasia takes the proffered hand with a genuine smile of her own.

“Hi Christian,” he says and shakes my hand. “Taylor, Sawyer,” he says nodding at them.

“Dr. Flynn,” they both reply in unison.

“Shall we?” he says pointing in the direction of his warm, masculine furnished office. Ana and I sit in the dark leather sofa that could accommodate both of us. I put my right ankle on my left knee. My hand reaches to Anastasia’s and I hold her hand over my lap. Anastasia leans into me. Dr. Flynn watches us and notes how we settle on the sofa, fitting each other, reaching into one another. Ana smiles up at me.

“I have not seen you in several weeks Christian. What would you like to talk about today?”

“Ana hasn’t been feeling well. I was reluctant to leave her in that state,” I say shrugging. John tilts his head to side. His face remains neutral, but his eyes twinkle, pleased.

“Are you getting used to the idea of becoming a parent?”

I shrug noncommittal. “What’s not to get used to?” Anastasia looks at me. “It’s my baby.”

“Yes, it is Ana’s and your baby, but that’s not the question I asked. Are you getting used to the idea of becoming a parent?”

I take a deep breath. Anastasia’s pure attention and listening to me. “I am getting used to the idea, in fact I’m becoming possessive of the baby. But…” I pause. Two pairs of eyes train on me.
“But what?” Ana asks before the doctor.

“But, sometimes, when I’m working by myself in the middle of the night, I get this sudden fear that I would be a shitty father,” I say to Flynn. Anastasia tries to move her hand out of mine. I hold it tighter. I turn my gaze with its full dark intensity onto her. “When I feel that way, I come to bed and find you, find my reason for being, then the fear dissipates. You anchor me, Ana.”

“I get angry if anyone refers to our baby even in the hypothetical belonging to someone else,” I say reminding Anastasia Kate’s words. “I become extremely possessive. It’s my baby. But it still doesn’t change the possibility that I might have some genetic defect like the crack whore and fuck this child’s future up by being as bad a parent.”

“Did you talk to Anastasia about your fears?”

“We talked. Some…” I lean back, exhale loudly and look at the ceiling. “The crack whore, Ella… that was her name, she was a bad mother. Poor, lacking, unqualified doesn’t even describe her incompetence. I know that some people just lack the ability…” I turn to Ana then. “You said that she had her own problems to deal with. I get that. I really do! But, then I read stories of women, mothers in Darfur or parts of Africa where I send food. Despite all the hardship, days without food, those mothers try to work miracles to care for their children, because I believe there’s an inborn ability, a maternal, a parental gene. What if Ella lacked that, and she passed that onto me? What if I disappoint you?” I whisper, my gaze begging her to understand. “Sometimes I’m scared shitless about it. What if when you find that out, you leave me? You’ll make a perfect mother. I’m not perfect, unfit. I have nightmares about that…” I say my voice low. Ana’s lips part, her gaze softens, and she wants to say something, but she’s doing the talking with her eyes. There’s trust in them. Love, but not pity. I couldn’t do pity.

“Christian, I too have thought a lot about this, but I think I can give you a plausible answer. Neither one of us knows your birth mother’s personally to assume that she lacked the maternal gene. She was an addict which takes the cognitive reasoning a person could have. Drugs are hard habits to break. It may have been a tool her pimps have employed to keep her under their control. Yet, despite all the hardship, she didn’t abandon you; she kept you,” Dr. Flynn explains.
“But she did, John! When the going got though, she checked out! Left me with her damned dead body for four fucking days!”

“Let us look at it from another point of view if you please. What would have happened had she survived? What would have happened had she given you to her able bodied parents, sibling or other relatives if she had any?

Chances are they may have disowned her, or they may have been gone, she may have been ashamed for the point in life she came to be. We don’t know that. We can only speculate. She may have assumed that the kind of life she would end up leading you would be the kind of life she has led. Even if she was an attentive mother, as attentive as a single working mother in her profession could be, she’d still not be able to give you all you needed. Perhaps, the only way she thought she could thrust you out of the life she was leading was by exiting her own. Parents are known to do the ultimate sacrifice for their children.” I shakes my head, and won’t meet Ana’s or Flynn’s eyes.

“ As a young child, I had only glimpses of love, a moment here, a moment there. One single birthday cake: Chocolate. I remember the scent still. Then sometimes, she’d let me brush her hair. And a few times, she’s let me sleep with her.”

“That’s good, Christian.”

“That’s good?” I ask incredulous. My voice is full of haughty derision. “John, just a fucking handful of good memories in the course of four fucking years! How many positive, joyful memories do your children possess in the course of a single week? I’m not a wagering man, but I’d bet that it would be a lot more than my entire list.” I loathed myself for a long time, because I was unworthy, unloved, and uncared for.

“Christian, you’re an adult now. Our reasoning, the way of our thinking is more complex. Our personalities are multifarious. You are hurt because you loved your mom. All of us in this room discovered that your control issues have stemmed from the fact that you were unable to alter her life’s course; you couldn’t control her circumstances, and consequently you couldn’t change her fate. Those were things that couldn’t have been accomplished by a four year old. I know you don’t want to be like her; a failure in parenting. Ella didn’t have a partner in life to help her in parenting or life in general.”

“She left me! All alone John!”

“And yet, what you got with her departure is a set of loving parents, siblings, consistency, and love. As bad a tragedy as it is Christian, she was the cause of the life you now have. Her death triggered the set of events you couldn’t have had otherwise.”

“Why couldn’t she just give him up for adoption without suicide then, John?” Ana asks curiously.

“Would that lessen the feeling of abandonment, or increase it? Christian was already four years old. He knew the existence of a birth mother. Some mothers who give up their children change their minds. The adoption process is long. If she changed her mind in a weak moment, they would perhaps be back to square one.”

“Dr. Flynn, are you condoning Ella’s suicide?” Ana asks incredulous.

“No, Ana. I am examining the motives of a woman who has left a few clues as to how she was feeling. Analyzing the behavior and condoning are two completely different things. It’s a psychological reconstruct. It doesn’t mean that what she did was right. It merely means that her love was misdirected, misguided. Clearly, you behaved out of love for Christian, and your sister in-law Mia when you put your and your baby’s life in danger. In moments of desperation  especially in Ella’s situation where she had prolonged desolation, it’s very possible that she may have thought that was the only way to end her agony and save Christian’s future at the same time.”

“It’s a lousy way to out, but, I get it,” Ana says.

“Don’t get any ideas!” I scold her.

“You see Christian; our lives are not made up of genetics alone. Environment, circumstances, our own way of thinking affect the outcome as your own life can testify to that end result. If you’re looking for a self-fulfilling prophecy, I’m here to tell you that the patterns you’re looking for can be broken: in fact you have broken them. You possess self-knowledge, and you have an intense desire to change. You told me that you want to be worthy of Ana and her love. You have the capability, mental tools, means, and self-control to manage to be a good parent. Even seasoned parents like myself, have doubts in our abilities. The children don’t come with a manual. Each one is different. But, lucky for us, they don’t start out very complicated. For babies, toddlers, and young children, the equation is quite simple. They are genetically designed to love you and be attached to you in the most primal and selfish way. You will find yourself only wanting to reciprocate, be pulled to that baby who wants nothing but your arms.”

“Mine or Ana’s?” I ask curiously. Dr. Flynn laughs.

“Both. Although I am proud to say that my children prefer me to read to them and put them to bed over my wife’s, but don’t tell that to Rhian.”

“I think Christian’s main worry is that I will love him less, and I’ll end up loving the baby more.”

“Hmmm… Are you worried about that Christian?” John asks.

“I might be slightly worried about that…” I say shrugging.

“Do you love Mia?”

“Of course.”

“Do you love Elliot?”

“Certainly.

“How about Grace?”

“I adore my mom. Where’s this going John?”

“How about Carrick?” he asks ignoring my question.

“I love my dad.”

“At any moment, did you think the existence of your love for one individual in your family, diminished the love you have for another member of the family?”

“Of course not. I love them all. My love for each of them is different, but then the same.”

“Would you be able to choose between them, hold one of them above the other?”

I think about it for a moment. My mom saved my life. My love and respect for her is immense. My dad accepted my mother’s desire to adopt me without any qualms. He loves me, and has always been supportive of me except when I left Harvard. Each in their own way, love me, and I love them. “I can’t choose. I love them all.”

“So it shall be with your baby. It will be like no other love. You will make room in your heart and your love for Ana will grow for making this love possible for you.” I don’t say anything. I don’t buy into that idea just yet. The fact is I’m terrified of losing time with Ana, or having her attention divided and shifted away from me. But, I will think of that when the time comes.

“Thank you John. I think that’s my friend speaking, and not my shrink.”

“Sometimes what you need is a friend with the professional knowledge of a shrink,” he says smiling.

“We also need to talk about Ana’s fears, John.”

“You have fears about the baby?” Dr. Flynn asks.

“No, Dr. Flynn. I don’t. Christian was referring to my fear of the paparazzi. Fear of losing my privacy, fear of not being able to discuss simple things with my best friend without it becoming tabloid news, fear of not being able to go out without security.”

“Are you worried that Christian’s way of life has too much control over yours?” Her body tenses, and she pulls her hand onto her lap, wringing them. She’s nervous. Is that what she’s thinking? She glances at me nervously, then looks at Dr. Flynn.

“Only months ago, I couldn’t even envision this largesse or the voluptuary lifestyle I’m living in. My husband… Christian sets my blood on fire,” she says, her hand reaching out to my knee and squeezing. “But beyond that, I love him with every fiber of my being. Of course, he constantly reminds me that the abundance in his life is a package deal. It’s part of who he is. I just worry about the dangers it exposes us. More so now that we’re going to have a baby.”

I lift my arm up and wrap it around her, pulling her into my embrace protectively.

“Every life has its own difficulties Ana, whether you are under the radar or not. There are people who possess very little and they’re nearly invisible to others, not because they’re simply under the radar, or we don’t see them, but the general public only affords them terse, brusque, discourteous, impolite and hasty responses. People move over them quickly. As complex as their personalities may be, most people don’t even pay attention to them, and they are simply ignored as if they don’t exist. Life is hard, very hard for them. That might as well have been the life of Ella. Christian, however created a life only few can dream about. He’s a brilliant man, larger than life. The life he created for himself which you are now a part of, is something that creates envy, curiosity, distinction, and makes him beyond an aristocrat. Clearly a beautiful young wife, a baby on the way of a very attractive man who belongs to the 1% of the top 1% of the world’s wealthiest makes news even if he simply sneezes. What you and Christian wear will become fashion. Everything you do will impact big or small because people will be watching. That’s the other extreme end of the spectrum. It doesn’t mean it’s bad; it simply means you have to develop a different set of skills to deal with those aspects of the particular life you two lead.”

“But, Dr. Flynn, you’ve never been ambushed by a group of paparazzi who implied that our baby might not be Christian’s when Christian is the only man I’ve ever been with!” Ana says fervently.

“Ahhh… Now we’re getting someplace. Are you worried that the opinions or accusations of the paparazzi might change Christian’s love and affection for you?”

A barely audible, “yes,” escapes her lips. Her response makes my jaw drop open.

“Christian? Your thoughts on Ana’s worries?” Dr. Flynn asks. I blink a few times. I turn to completely face my wife.

“Ana, how could possibly think that? Did you actually think that the hound dogs of the gossip magazines would somehow change my love for you? If any one of them even try to hurt you in any way, I will make sure that the reporter who made the attempt never works again and that any publication that would try to slander you will be punished so hard that it will be sold bit by bit to their enemies to never ever recover again! I don’t take any threat against you lightly, Ana! You know that.” I say fervently as I lift her chin up and turn her face, forcing her to look up at me. A fearful shudder goes through her.

“I know, Christian,” she whispers.

“Ana, paparazzi isn’t your only worry. Is it?” Dr. Flynn asks.

After hesitating, she responds, “no,” she responds in a low voice.

“What else are you worried?”

Ana looks at me, then turns back to John, shakes her head, remaining silent.

“What?” I ask. John opens his mouth to say something to me. I know where this is going.

“Dr. Flynn, before you say something to send me outside the room, I want to hear what my wife is worried about. Clearly it is something about me. Ana…” I say directing the intensity of my gaze at her with wide eyes, my attention is fully on her. My both legs are now firmly planted on the floor. I lean in and place my elbows on my knees. My hands reach out to hers, seeking her warmth, her connection. “Baby, are you worried about my anger? Are you scared of me hurting you? I need to know, baby!” She looks at me and then at John with wide eyes.

“If it makes you feel more comfortable…” Dr. Flynn starts.

“John!” I warn.

“Christian, my office, my rules!” he says raising his eyebrows. How gallant of you John! Anastasia pulls her hands out of mine in frustration, and throws her hands up in the air in exasperation.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake! Both of you; keep your britches on! I’m NOT scared that my husband will hurt me. I’m only worried that because of me, he will get hurt! That someone is trying or will try to get to him through me. I don’t know all the rules of dealing with media, especially the gossip media. But I am learning,” she says looking at me. “But even if I was a pro in this, I’d still worry, because I am in love with my husband,” she whispers in a soft voice. “I love you Christian Grey, fiercely, intensely, helplessly, unashamedly, and most ardently. But, the recent events, especially this morning’s ambush made me realize that some people will go to any lengths to hurt us personally and publicly as if they’re on a Sunday picnic, as if their actions have no ramifications, and feel that it’s simply okay to do so. And in that, I’ll get hurt, and they’ll hurt you through me.”

“Security…” I start saying but she holds up a finger.

“I also want normalcy, at least the illusion of privacy which is something I had not realized of it being a luxury for some, for us. Yet, what give me nightmares are the unknown faces who wish you harm  you. That’s what terrified me this afternoon in my nightmare.”

“What was your nightmare about, Ana?” asks Flynn curiously. Her eyes widen again with fear. She takes in a shaky breath. The hand she’s holding mine is squeezing me so tight, her knuckles are white. Dr. Flynn’s eyes assess her entire body language and he scribbles feverishly onto his tablet. Ana’s gaze drifts up to my eyes, seeking reassurance. My gaze in return softens. I shift on the sofa, and reposition my arm around her torso again, holding her tightly under my arm, lending my support. My other hand just holds hers on her lap, my thumb caresses her fingers soothingly.

“I told some of my nightmare to Christian this afternoon,” she starts. She swallows, then takes a shaky breath. “I am walking through a lavish building with arches, Dorian columns into a painstakingly elegant, beautiful room. Then it turns into the Hall of Mirrors in Versailles. I’m watching the painted arches, the decorated marble pilasters. It’s ostentatious, splendid… But what is different is that the hall becomes a room with no exit on any side. Aphrodite’s statue is in the middle of the mirrored room. We are admiring her. You,” she says emphasizing, “are admiring her.  Aphrodite’s face is aloof, expressionless, timeless, but before our eyes, her belly starts growing, quite big actually. Your admiration of her changes to something of dislike first. Then when her transformation is complete, she turns into me. It was me. What I saw in Christian eyes,” she says her voice barely audible, “was disgust, disinterest, loss of love. I see myself firmly planted in the place, with a marble base, grown belly, naked top. Then, I remember flashes. Blinding flashes. Thousands of them, amplified by the mirrors. I see my very pregnant, very undesirable image in the three hundred and fifty seven mirrors reflected thousands of times. But the blinding camera flashes continue to come. Voices are loud, mocking, unknown. I have never felt so alone. So… Very… Abandoned. Then I feel pain, horrible pain like I’ve never felt before. The Blip is trying to come out,” she whispers taking a deep shuddering breath. Her eyes are unblinking. She’s lost to her nightmare. She snuggles into me turning small, pulling her legs up under her. Her hands are wringing, she bows her head down. Then both her hands move to her belly protectively. Another shudder goes through her.

“Then something horrible happens. A hand or hands cut me open. I feel the gush of blood, fluids amidst the flashes and mocking noises, and someone yanks my Blip out of me. I hear one cry of the baby, a pained scream more like it. Then it’s gone. I can’t move!” she says her voice is rising. “I am immobile, bleeding, and I can’t even scream. All I see is tears running down the expressionless marble face, and flashes… I have never felt so alone, so impossibly alone in such a mean crowd. So helpless. I felt the absolute loss of everything I loved. I wanted the flashes and the noises to cease. I wanted my feet to be mobile to look for the baby who was already taken by the unknown hands. I wanted to ask Christian to help me. He too was gone, too disgusted with me. Then I had the overwhelming desire to… die…” she whispers to my horrified ears.

I think both Flynn and I look at her with the same shocked, gaping face. Neither of us is able to say a word to her. John’s feverish scribbling comes to a halt. I think he’s the first one who clears his throat and makes an attempt to talk.

“Is this the first time you’ve had such a nightmare?”

“I’ve had the Versailles nightmare before where Christian walked away from me and disappeared,” she murmurs without looking at me. My gaze on the other hand trained on her.

“Did you know about her nightmare, Christian?” Dr. Flynn asks.

“No,” a curtly reply comes out of me, without looking at Flynn. “You only told me about the other nightmare.”

“You had another nightmare?” Flynn asks.

“I had the other nightmare first. I was too tired and fell back asleep, then I had this nightmare which completely scared me,” she murmurs.

“Why didn’t you tell Christian about your other nightmares before, Ana?” Flynn asks.

“Tell him? Dr. Flynn, all I wanted to do was to forget the nightmare, not firmly plant it into my mind by repeating its content to Christian! And usually I would… forget it. But of late, it’s been coming back to me with intensity, and after what happened this morning, I had this nightmare. There was just no way I could forget it. I was terrified,” she says her breathing is rapid as if she just ran a marathon.

“How about the desire to die? Is this a first in your nightmare? Is this limited to your nightmares? Do you have thoughts of suicide?” he asks softly. I stiffen immediately, looking at Anastasia, seeking the truth in the words she’s going to utter.

“Nooo!” she says fervently. “No thoughts of suicide! It was a first in my nightmare. I had never felt that emotion before. But then again, I had never lost everything I loved,” she says looking at me while her hands are on her belly protectively. “I have never felt the absolute desolation, everything I loved taken away or walked away from me. I have felt the loss of my reason for being,” she says her eyes brimming with unshed tears. I hear a sharp intake of breath as my unblinking eyes look at my wife, and realize it’s me. Right in front of Dr. Flynn’s widened, surprised eyes, I pull Anastasia onto my lap, hold her tightly, inhaling her scent.

“I will never let you go, Mrs. Grey. Do you think it’s that easy to get rid of me? You are my woman, and that is our baby. No one will dare to harm you or him. I will cherish you still no matter how big your belly gets with our child. Got it?” I whisper for her ears only. It gives me another firm determination to find out who is causing all this trouble. She silently nods.

“Ana, one more question…” Flynn says clearing his throat. I let Ana sit next to me again on the sofa, but I don’t let go of her, keeping her tightly under my arm. “Did the thought of death ceased once you woke up from your nightmare?”

“Once I oriented myself, realized it was a nightmare, something that was outside of my control, it dissipated like smoke. Yes, completely gone. That is not who I am Dr. Flynn, but it emphasized that I had no control of the events around me, or what others do to me. When Christian walked away in my nightmare, the people still continued to do what they were doing to me, mocking, laughing, taking pictures, and endless camera flashes. But this time, I was completely, absolutely, singularly alone. That’s the worst feeling because it was amplified with the feeling of loss. It’s thousands of times worse than just being all alone. It’s as if my heart and soul were ripped into shreds irrevocably.” Her body shakes. Another shaky breath is inhaled. Then her voice goes very low. “I can’t survive you, Christian. I can’t survive being without you,” she whispers.

Alone – Celine Dion
“Ana, it is unhealthy to think that you can’t survive someone…”

“Someone?” I retort tilting my head.

“Let me rephrase it. It is unhealthy to think that you can’t survive Christian,” he says. “Love is a very strong emotion. But you’re both very young. These aren’t the kind of emotions that should be filling your head with. Given that you’re pregnant...”

“John, what is that a testimonial?” I ask. Dr. Flynn sighs.

“Christian, we’re only analyzing Anastasia’s nightmare, and we want Anastasia to have a healthy set of emotions. Her hormones may also be affecting her current distress. Coupled with her experience with the paparazzi, she is distressing. Ana needs reassurance and a break.”

“And that is professional opinion? John, emotion by definitions is a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from a person’s circumstances, mood or relationship with others. Health is not always involved. They’re subjective, conscious experiences and natural responses to those experiences.”

“Yet they can be harmful which is why it’s paramount that she learns to direct them in positive channels, and not let them take over her cognitive appraisal, action tendencies and definitely not lower her mental and physical defenses.”

“Agreed,” I nod firmly.

“How do I do that?” Ana asks in a determined tone.

“By knowing what something really is. You and Christian are ‘news makers’ which makes other people curious. An attack by paparazzi doesn’t have to be personal. They want money, and only a sensational story can make that happen because of that public curiosity in the lives of a handsome couple. Don’t give them the reason to pursue you more by reacting to their accusations in the way they expect you to. Your defense against them is to understand the motives behind, and learn how to deal with it. Your fears will only make them goad you more.

Understand that each and every person has fears and worries. None of us is immune to them. We have no guarantees in life. But the effects of those fears, phobias that finally infest our dreams can be lessened if we learn to take control of our lives and not letting them overrun us by simply by understanding why we are afraid. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen. Think of the time when your father was in the hospital. You didn’t have any control of what happened to him, or how his body responded to treatment. You and Christian did the only thing possible: provided him with the best medical care that was available, and let his body do the rest. The fact is, a lot happens out of our control as Christian found out when you got pregnant, and when you were attacked by Hyde,” he says a shudder goes through me as if someone just walked over my grave.

“How do you intend to deal with it?” he asks Anastasia. “Are you going to let outsiders to take control of your life and emotions or do you wish to keep that control in your own hands? You can’t control how others behave, but you can control how you react,” he says raising his eyebrows.

Anastasia nods.

“I won’t let outsiders control my reactions,” replies Anastasia.

“Good. I’d like to see you both again, soon,” Flynn says with a smile. We stand up to leave.

“Christian, may I have a word with you privately?” he murmurs.


“Sure,” I reply curiously. Worry washes over me, drenching my soul. What is wrong?




Sting ft. Stevie Wonder - Fragile

Thank you for patiently waiting everyone. Chapter 17 will be posted in one hour :)

154 comments:

Linda said...

Emine,

You have completely taken over my thirst for reading! This chapter was way to short and found myself disappointed when the chapter ended. I absolutely loved it. You have brought us into their married life and it is incredible. I just finished reading your blog for the umteenth time and I am just amazed at all the things you know and the research you have done.

Again thank you for sharing.

Linda

Anonymous said...

Really two chapters in one night sixteen and seventeen yeah hehe

Anonymous said...

hi emine,
as always you make my day complete with your awesome writting power;) your blog is a breathe of fresh air from what is happening in my sorroundings these days.
thank you:)
lots of ♥♥♥ from the philippines...

_karen_

Anonymous said...

My Sweet & Lovely Eminè.
I just finished morning yoga here in chilly London and took a chance. Here I find not one but to levels of amazing! I cannot wait until tonight. Thank you in advance because I have supreme faith in your talent that it WILL be worth the amazing bottle of red and the wait.

You are a goddess! Massive hugs.

Gina B.
xxxx

eza fogaça said...

Maravilhoso como sempre... Obrigada!
Tereza, Brazil.

Anonymous said...

Emine...beautiful surprise in this morning!!!
you are the best!!
Iloveyou Iloveyou Iloveyou
now...ahead whit reading!!!
for comments go later....
ciao Annalisa, Italy

Daniela Martins said...

Good morning, Emine!
What a surprise!
I can't wait to read tonight after work!
You're so wonderful!
I come back later to comment....
Have a nice day!
Dani
;-)

Penny Brueggemann said...

This was simply lovely. You are amazing! Thank you for keeping us so well entertained! Looking forward to 18. Thank you for both chapters.

Sheila H. said...

Thank you Emine, another brilliant chapter.

Mônica Goyer said...

Great chapter...Thanks, Now I to go to read next!!!!

kisses!!!

Debby said...

YEAH Emine,
Thanks for the total shocker! I never saw it coming. The wedding planer's boyfriend is Linc's man. I'll just bet he recently suduced her. He was so handsome I'll bet she just felt so lucky to get a "man like him". Kate was his weak link. Surely CG will take note of this right away.
Also I just wanted to say about the session with Dr. Flynn surely Ana's dreams are very complicated but all pregnant women go through a time of horrifying dreams. It is very natural. We all have worries about our baby's safety and they manifest themselves in our dreams. I had a few myself. I would wake up crying my heart out. so I would talk to my mom and my girlfriends {with kids} and they all said the same thing. So did my OB/GYN. Poor Ana.It's normal and for the most part it will pass for her. I think the feelings of abandonment come somewhat from her losing her father and then her mother "abandoning her for husband #3. Even though that's not what really happened. To a young innocent impressionable girl that may have been how she processed it in her subconscious. not realizing it. This would only complicate/compound her normal bad dreams.
I don't know about anyone else but I would really like to hear more about poor Ella's life. I really think it would help to heal CG to know that his mother was not the monster he believes her to be.
Anyway can't wait to get to Chapter 18.
Hugs and Kisses to all my girls out there in this magical fantasy ride with me. Hey are there any guys oout there? Would love to hear your take.
Debby.

Angela Ramirez said...

OMG! ... I got to love you no matter what! ...love the chapter, but I love even more is was the kind of cliff hanging I didn't have to way for. YOU ARE GOOOOOOOOD LADY! :D

andrea cavalcante said...

Maravilhoso Como sempre .
Andréa, Brasil

Anonymous said...

Oh God, Emine! You spoiled us! Two chapters the same day. Woohoo! and I didn't even have to wait until tomorrow ;)

Poor Ana! She wqill really need another session with the good doctor John. I didn't have the chance to have children, but I know, for hearing that from my cousin and from my stepdaughter, and also reading what Debby wrote, that pregnant women often have nightmares during their pregnancy. However I don't know how long it lasts (during the whole pregnancy or just at the beginning?). Happily she has Christian by her side. I guess she can talk about it to Grace and to Dr Greene also. I just loved this part of the story. And happily you wrote the 17th chapter at the same time or most of us would be dying to wait for the next part of the story.
Now about Kate: well, it seems she will be in great trouble! And that won't make Christian love her more because of her behavior. I would love to see Ana making understand Kate that she is fed up with her behavior towards Christian: always criticizing him, explaining her why he has to protect her and telling her she loves her husband and he makes her happy.
And that's funny, I would have suspected Mia telling her friends about Ana's pregnancy, being so happy to become an aunt!

Thanks again for these great chapters Emine.

Karen, how are things for you in Philippines? Are you and your family allright?

Hugs to all of you,
S. from France

Amanda said...

That was awesome!!! I can't wait to see the showdown between Christian and Kate over the pregnancy leak.

Mary Grant said...

OMG Emine,
If I wasn't so busy spoiling my babygirl for her fifth birthday yesterday I would have seen this and commented already and I'm so geeking that you posted two chapters I am on pins and needles to read the next one.
This chapter was beautiful as always and I am so glad Ana is sharing her fears and concerns openly. She will need to see John again soon and between talking to him and control "lessons" from her husband she'll be ready to deal with the papparazi and maybe any one else who gets in her face.
Off to read the next chapter now, bed will jsut have to wait.
XOXOXO
Mary G

Anonymous said...

Ahh Emine, thank you once again for the wonderful long awaited chapter!!! As usual it was simply brilliant and loved to every single alphabet.... ;)

I don't know when will Christian stop amazing me. His love for Ana knows no bound and it amazes me that every single moment he seems to fall deeper into love her, discover a deeper connection, emotion for her. Even reading and thinking about it, sort makes me feel like my heart would bloat to extreme point and burst. It is aching, a very unnatural feeling in the chest, but it is a happy ache It makes me feel hopeful that such love is possible in the world. :D

Well, Kate again behind all this paparazzi problem. I don't think she has done it intentionally.As Ana puts its it would never of a concern for them if it was JOse or Ethan in Christian's place. Marrying Grey does have its benefits as well as problems. Kate was not thinking from that point of view when she spoke about her due date. But I feel when she is seeing all these things happening with Ana, and Christian worrying his ass over Ana's security, privacy, she should give some importance to what he wants. As it is even if she doesn't like Christian and his control over Ana she cannot deny the fact that he is her husband and the father of her child, and if he wants something for them for their benefit, then she should respect it for her friend's sake at least. She should know Christian would never want anything bad for Ana. I would truly love another heated banter between Kavannah and Grey.... But as you put Christian himself says that now that Kate is going to be family, he would never even think of putting her in a jeopardizing situation, never be careless about her security and privacy.
I think it would be wonderful to see Christian doing something for Kate, to make her see that he indeed cares worries for his family and loved ones, and that he would go to any extent to keep them from harm's way, as now she is also family to him. Would be just amazing to see the ball crusher jaw drop open to see another side to the control freak Grey, which would finally make her realize that her friend is in safe hands, and why Christian is always trying to control everything, to keep his family safe and happy. Wow....!!! See how your stories makes us think and imagine to no extent to no extent....!! :D

Ana's nightmares are truly frightening. But it is so cute of her to come seek Christian right after she wakes up and come to him for comfort and peace. Glad that Ana is now slowly opening up to Christian. She is too overwhelmed with the recent happenings plus her pregnancy and hormones, all of it is taking a toll on her. The nightmare was indeed scary, and made her feel helpless and alone.

The tiny moments of Ana and Christian's wantonness and lustful romance always leaves me panting ;) . They are so damned attuned to each other, it seems there is nothing else in the world except them and the only thing that matters is always to be at the closest proximity with each other. I love it when Chrishtian leaves her hot and bothered always, because the make up session is always mind blowing. Ana's open admission that she can't control herself and her urges when it comes to Christian, was so adorable.

Anonymous said...


Sorry my last comment exceeded character limit so had to split into two...!!!! ;)

And finally the long awaited session with Dr Flynn. It was absolutely necessary and long due and glad that both C&A got through with it. It was good that Dr Flynn tries to put another perspective before Christian on his mother being what she was and how she was. She may have left Christian alone, helpless, abandoned uncared for, but she must have had her reasons for doing so. I feel Christian should see it in this way that though his mother left him, in the worst way a mother can, he wouldn't have been Christian Grey, and wouldn't have Ana in his life.... He should look on the brighter side, at the half full glass, not the half empty glass. This would haunt him, give him pain for a long time in his life, but he should come into terms with it that his mother was probably weak, and couldn't deal with sitution and thus died on him. But he shouldn't be worried about his child having a bad father, because he is nothing like his mother. He is strong, independent, controlling, emotional, and most important of all he has got love, a partner. in his life which would pull him through anything hardships in life. Ana's nightmare looks even more scary in its full details when spilled infront of Flynn. No wonder the girl is scared to shit. She fears of the entire world, standing against her and taking away everything that is the reason for her living, and she stands there helpless. Both have the insecurity within them, that the one is going get disgusted and not want the other anymore and then leave. They both need to work on assuring the other that no one is leaving the other.... They are in it as long as they shall both live, and will not leave the other. Ana needs to control her emotions and reactions to the media, because is she doesn't its going to cause her distress which is not good for Blip.

Over all a mind blowing chapter....!!!!Do I need to say I loved it to bits??? Yes I guess....!!! Thank you for two updates together...!!! Does that mean you will not be updating for a longer time now???? Hope not... But still no pressures of updating.... do it whenever you can...!!!



Hi and love to all the lovely friends in this blog...!!!

Cheers
Sudeshna (Bangladesh)

ash aspey said...

Wow fantastic chapter, so someone was listening to Ana talking to Kate that's how they found out about the baby!!!. Ana and Christians fears through talking to Flynn, will Ana learn control from Christian. Emotional, huge lump in my throat. Excellent chapter writing as always you are amazing. Just going to read next chapter!!!!.

JOENES CARVALHO said...

Reaffirming
Hi Emine is wonderful to see that all this commotion about the chapter for me only magnifies its position as a writer. Now I should clarify the following Joenes hate disown pedophilia, but I read everything I can about it so that having the informções necessary to prevent that from my children are living victims, the same goes for every subject, not like, accept or practice Anal sex should not be confused with read about it and distinguish it even unwilling, accepting or practicing there are people who love, the scene of Chapter 17 at any time there was infringement of Anastasia refuses to act that Christian was proposing the language used by him to teach you control is the language he knows, as we teach in a cake recipe, how do we know may not be correct!!! correct? what would be appropriate in a sexual relationship of a couple in love with free will and horny? I do not, never have the pretension to respond, I read with pleasure what I like and what I do not like as a mechanism for specific information and clarification, but I read both without prejudices or taboos, and most importantly knowing always differentiate reality from fiction, romance lust (which times for our pleasure go together), move on, head held high, steady hands, creativity loose, great minds suffer major critical...

Anonymous said...

where did chapter 17 go? I read 16 first and when I went to read chapter 17 it had been taken down??

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

I reverted it back to draft. I didn't know I was dealing with a couple of people who didn't think they can handle anal sex and rope play in Christian's life. So, when I have time this I'll reexamine it. But I have huge project this week: I'm working on a software manual for a major computer company I may not have time to re-evaluate it until this weekend. Until then, you have 16.

Thank you :)

Valeria Algeri said...

Muito obrigada, você é um amor e a minha preferida!
Bjs

Anonymous said...

I read chapter 16 and 17 last night, they were great sorry you had negative reactions to 17.i look forward to reading your revised draft thank you for all your hard work I love Christian's pov

Angelica Dias said...

Simplesmente amei mais este capítulo... Como sempre você surpreende á todos com sua enorme capacidade!!! Estou apaixonada neste livro, nos detalhes que nos encantam a cada capítulo, que nos fazem viajar e entrar na história! Você está mais do que de parabéns.... Mais uma vez muitissimo obrigada por dedicar seu tempo (que sabemos que é muito escasso) para nos proporcionar uma prazerosa leitura!!!! Já te admiro e adoroooooo!!!! Abraços e bjokassssss (Angélica - Brasil)

Rosangela Maria Cabral Corvalan said...

Dear Emine I could not read chapter 17. you must have had his reasons to cut it and I respect that. And I await you post it again.

Whatever we are at your side, always!

Kisses

Rosângela

fanny rebellon said...

Hola Emine hoy que volvi a leer este cap. pienso que es triste no ppoder hablar nada delante de otras personas es triste kate no lo hiso por mal y mira todo lo que paso, asi se entiende a los artistas, y la pesadilla de Ana el susto de que le hagan daño a cristian a ella o a su flia, viendo todo lo que pasa a su alrededor, ella es muy fuerte, gracias amiga me encanta leerte un beso.

fanny rebellon said...

Emine que paso porque retiraron el capitulo XVII? sucedio algo malo? por favor cuenta, la verdad es algo tan de la vida que porque se escandalizan, que fue fuerte? si pero creo que las que leemos aqui somos adultoa o no? lo siento amiga.

Penny Brueggemann said...

Not sure what all the fuss is about but both chapters were amazing and they are married for crying out loud. I will read anything you write. People have a choice.

I appreciate all you do and I love the way you write CPOV.....17 was incredible!

tina witvrouwen said...

Oh no ... I just read 16 and now 17 is gone? Pinch of disappointment right now. :-(
You don't have to take down something that came from your heart and mind because of negative reactions, Emine. It's your blog, your story and your call but it's a shame a good writer like you would have to take down a chapter because of a few negative reactions.
I love your work, no matter what ! I hope 17 will soon be back up again !
Lots of love from Belgium !
Tina

Anonymous said...

I can't put this comment on the chapter in belongs with because its not here but I just want to say...

Awesome chapter! Chapter 17 was great before you took it down. I love the dialog between Christian and Ana in the play room.

I just hope you re-write/edit the chapter as you see it happening so it fits your vision of Christian and Ana. You can't please everyone all the time.

Anonymous said...

Boa noite Emine!
Não tenho nem palavras para lhe agradecer, pois todas já foram ditas, mas posso lhe dizer que amoooooooooooooooooooooo muito tudo que você escreve. Pena que não consegui ler o outro capítulo. Que Deus continue lhe iluminando e você escreva muito tempo ainda,pois não sei o que seria de nós sem seus capítulos. Aguardo ansiosamente por cada um deles e releio muitas vezes os que ja li, nem um dia fico se ler A & C.Bjs e uma ótima semana pra vc e toda sua família, Andreia Brasil

JOENES CARVALHO said...

Respect his decision as his chapter 17, loved and good for you it saved so I can always reread what shocks me is erotic books readers whose main theme bsdm rebel as anal sex, I also shock me if were watching a book about cooking,
Emine have a great Brazilian writer Paulo Coelho called today a member of the Brazilian Academy of Letters, respected around the world but it was already humiliated, ridiculed even accused of practicing black magic to achieve success, today he had his work of over 140 million books printed in 69 languages, and named in 2007 by the UN as a Peace Messenger, you know what he answered when some journalist or critic denigrated one of his works? Not like that good, this is synonymous with success!
As a fan and admirer'm here for you, while not agreeing with the removal of the chapter, I do not remember the writer's original asking about him on the subject he was writing and know that she also had numerous negative opinions about his best seller, not let your sorrow, overcome his negative reviews courage I know you have to spare, I also speak on behalf of other fans, many of them, you'll see that an author of best seller and even when that reality tonar not please everyone, God bless, hugs

JOENES

Shelley English said...

Aww such a shame you took it down I personally loved it and have read chapter 17 more than once and canme back to read it again and found it gone. If people can't handle reading about kinky sex then why have they even bothered reading fufty shades in the first place. I think I will now start reading the story from the beginning again to get my fill until you update again. I really am angry with the people who have made you want to take down the chapter as you put so much hard work into every chapter, you are always so busy yet you find the time to write this amazing blog which is the best I have read.

Angelica Dias said...

Bom.... eu já tinha lido o cap 17 antes de colocá-lo fora do ar.. e como em todos os outros eu amei!!! Vi também que tinha um comentário contra e vamos lá, né "ninguém é obrigado a ler nada" quem não gosta ou não concorda é só passar longe. No momento estou inconformada com o comportamento desse tipo de pessoa!

Emine não sei exatamente o que aconteceu.... mas sei que seu trabalho é fantástico e tenho certeza que todas seguidoras e leitoras loucas e fanáticas como eu estão doidinhas para ver o desenrolar dessa história e vão AMAR, como amamos todos os outros capítulos e livros!!!
Grande abraço!!! <3

Emília Souza said...

Emine nunca postei aqui mas hoje é um bom dia,porque você se abateu pelos motivos errados,por favor se foi pelas criticas ao capitulo não faça isso,coloque-o de volta por favor!! não sei inglês me desculpe!

Emília

Vilma Perazzo said...

Emine eu e minhas amigas aqui juntas em um multirão pela volta do capítulo 17,não é justo que milhares que gostaram sejam punidas pelos poucos que não entenderam ou gostaram!!

Denise Almeida said...

Nos dê de volta o capítulo 17 por favor Emine,amamos você!!

AMCHOU said...

Oh no! Do not let small minded people ruin it for the rent of us! You are amazing and your writing is fabulous! I love Christions POV! I also loved the response letter! Please don't hold back or change a thing!!

ana paula said...

Emine querida
Espero que esteja bem!!!!!!!!!!
Estamos todas torcendo para que o capitulo envolvendo a cena de sexo anal,seja apenas o primeiro de muitos,estou sem entender o pq de tudo isso,criticas sao realmente necessarias,é claro que algumas magoam,mas tente relevar,estamos aqui torcendo para que de tudo certo,ja disse uma vez e vou repetir amo,mas amo muito mesmo o CG que vc criou,ele é sensivel o suficiente para fazer um anal e fazer com quem esta lendo entender e vivenciar,nao sei se o outro seria tão sensivel assim.
Amo a maneira como vc escreve e tenha certeza que isso acontece com os melhores
Capitulo de volta por favor
Preciso dele em portugues
Beijos

Daysi Cristina said...

Emine, I'm here to give my full support to you, and of course back begging for Chapter 17, please if the problem was the criticism, there are thousands of cheers, hugs

Daysi

B.M.A., 15 - Brazil said...

Hey, I don't think U should care about the other peoples opinions about what U write! It's your version of the history and U should write about whatever U want to. I'd like to say that U R doing a great job with this and although thinking that your CG is a bit 2 dramatic, your history is great!I honestly don't like those many pictures U put during the chapters, 'cause makes me lost my focus, but that's up to U! About the pictures, I recommend U to not put pictures of dicks and pussies, 'cause it's a little uncomfortable for people like me, virgins and under age! One thing is think about the mechanical part of it, other completely different is see it! So, if U can avoid use those kind of picture, I would be thankful!
P.S.: Could U please post the both versions of the XVII chapter, so we can pick which one we like the most?

reebz said...

Emine, I have never had anything but positive thoughts about your writing until today. I've thought about it all day long in fact. I remember back in book one when Anna goes unknowingly into Elena's for a haircut and realizes that one by one Christian is ticking things off of his sub list. I got that feeling this morning. It was as if our Anna had gone over to the dark side. I don't know how I would continue the story (which is why I never offer suggestions) but I just feel as if Anna's integrity was compromised. I do look forward to continuing reading even if I don't like the way it is moving. -not asking you to change ....just saying!

Bella said...

Emine sou uma senhora de 67 anos,viúva, 3 filhos, 5 netos e sem vida sexual ativa a 15 anos, tive um único homem meu marido, não li os livros originais,mas quando vi minha filha que é sua fã ler sua versão me interessei em saber do que se tratava o livro, depois então surgiu um grupo e fico escutando minha filha rindo e sorrindo conversando com as amigas desse grupo, hoje vi muitas trocas de conversas e resolvi mim inteirar sobre os acontecimentos, NÃO ME ASSUSTEI EM SABER O CONTEÚDO DO CAP 17!!!e começei a ler sua versão, estou no livro 1 e amando muito,se é de sexo anal que se trata tudo isso, ainda tem pessoas se assustando?? nem eu na minha terceira idade, por favor capítulo 17 de volta, rezando por você,já sua fã!!só para esclarecer não estou fazendo isso atendendo um pedido de minha filha,resolvi fazê-lo e estou a 5 minutos tentando eu mesma digitar sem ajuda.Esqueci meu nome é Enes mas todos me chamam de D. Bella

Anonymous said...

Emine, por favor, coloque o capítulo XII de volta. Eu li e gostei!

Anonymous said...

Oh NO! Just went online to read again and chapter 17 is gone... WTF? It is such a shame that the world of small minds exist. A massive shame! Eminè...we love you! Never change. What and how you do it are pure undiluted magic!

So sorry for the unnecessary BS!

Gina B.
XX

Sandra Helena said...

Emine hi, I read and loved chapter 17, I'm here on behalf of my friends who have not read and I'm sure will love it too, do not know you personally but I'm sure you are stronger than any negative opinion of your job, then let of nonsense and answer our requests, we chapter 17 back, kisses love you

Joenes Carvalho said...

Emine remembered a passage in which Anastacia being in the hospital and Dr. Grace tells Christian that he must see himself through her eyes, the MIa, Eliot, Carrick, Ana, who are people who love you, I know you do not need I will show you where my reasoning. Chapter 17 Look through our eyes here countless people who loved it and want it back, just do not let you down, neither you nor we deserve it, love you

Anonymous said...

please put chapter 17, loved it and want to read again, we are in the majority here, waiting

Gabrielle Mariz said...

where is chapter 17? I have not finished reading the best part was that expected for a long time, Emine did not challenge him back now (laughs), PLEASE

Luciene said...

Hi Emine
I'm back in the comments for to ask to post the chapter 17 of the way it was, because yours readers knows the way that Christian learned the your self control too. Everybody knows that Elena worked the control of the Christian in the Playroom. So, yours readers want to read exactly that Christian is doing to teach the Ana to have a control too, and he can only teach the same way as learned. When we start to read the books Fifty Shades knew that the topic was sex, so i don't understand the why of the reaction of shock of some readers when read the chapter. I think this approach was expected in fanfic too.
And you can't worry with who don't like of the your fanfic. There will always be someone to criticize our work, but if most people are happy then that is what matters.
I hope that you post the chapter again.

Kisses e take care!

PS: Sorry for bad English. I'm from Brazil and I confess that the Google helped kkkkkkkk.

Luciene

Anonymous said...

Hi Bloggers,
I was fortunate enough to have read chapter17... Although I don't think anal sex is my cup of tea ( I did say think because I never tried it) what 2 loving consenting adults do in their bedroom is... you know the rest. So calm down people.:) I also agree with Debby, I would love to hear more about Ella. I always hated that Christian referred to her as a crack whore but I understand why he felt he had to devalue her.
Thanks as always
Kamila


Anonymous said...

estamos lendo sobre sexo duro desde o inicio, ficou claro desde sempre, "eu não faço amor, eu fodo com força"que frescura é essa agora, não tá gostando vai ler o que gosta e deixa aqui para nos, quero o capítulo de volta por favor emine

Tereza Marculino said...

GENTE ONDE FOI PARAR O CAPÍTULO 17??EU NAÕ TÔ ACREDITANDO NISSO!!EU AMEI PORQUE NÃO POSSO LER DE NOVO??VOCÊ AÍ QUE NÃO GOSTOU VIRA A PÁGINA!!

Fatima (Brasil) said...

Emine
Li rapidamente o capitulo 17 (lindo) e também vi o comentário que a pessoa escreveu....simplesmente lamentável pra não dizer ridículo!
Voltei mais tarde para ler novamente e me surpreendi que foi excluído.
Estava muito bem escrito, como sempre, e se alguém não gostou simplesmente não acompanhe mais o seu trabalho. simples assim!
Gostaria que colocasse o capitulo de volta, da forma que estava. Afinal o blog é seu e lê quem quer e aprecia.
Beijos

Penny Brueggemann said...

Emine....love you and thankful to see all this support. I hope you keep writing the way you do...and all the research for crying out loud. And BTW.....LOVE the pictures too! Just what you need with an aleady full load of work but please know 99.999 % of us love the way you write and loved 17 and the interaction of Christian and Ana. This really pisses me off that someone can upset the apple cart but bottom line they have a choice....don't read it and keep mean or ugly comments to yourself. You are so kind to everyone. I have never met you but feel like I know you and take it personal when someone makes disparaging comments about your work. Love ya sister....keep up the great work!!!!!

Rosangela Maria Cabral Corvalan said...

Maravilhoso, é isso que eu tenho a dizer sobre esse capítulo!!

Emine você é fantástica quanta sensibilidade e estudo é necessário ter para produzir uma estoria como esta. Estou aprendo casa vez mais com você Emine.

Obrigada por sua dedicação e obrigada por compartilhar conosco tanta sabedoria.

Como já disse no comentário que fiz acima, respeito sua decisão, seja qual tenha sido o motivo.

Beijos Emine e por favor fique bem!! Adoro você, adoro este blog, adoro a maneira que você nos apresenta o Christian não se deixe abater por opiniões negativas...vá em frente!!

Rosângela






Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Evening everyone!

There are a few reasons why I took Ch 17 down most of which I explained. I have not expected to generate this much traffic not just on the blog but on social media. It's just a chapter for heaven's sake and not worth pulling each other's hair out.

In some way it could have been some other writer's dream because, let's face it, I have 4456 unread e-mails, and nearly 1/2 of it is for chapter 17 and most of it is begging to put the chapter back up.

I've had about 3400 unread messages yesterday and I deleted quite a few. I just don't have the time to go through thousands of messages, because I do have a job (a few of them), and as a freelancer, my work only gets completed if I produce words, so e-mails take the backseat. I have saved most unless it’s a list of conversation on this chapter but from social media (Facebook etc) those I delete. I’d never get anything done otherwise.

Let me just say what I have to say:

I’m NOT afraid of ANYONE’S criticism, or a few words said here and there. I stand up for what I say and what I believe. When you have a clan size family (watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding – my family is not much different, loud, nosy, tight-knit etc., everyone knows everyone’s business, including telling me that the Turkish women are tigers in bed, chef in the kitchen and lady on the street in her husband’s arm, and you learn to say “Let me put on my ‘I give a shit!’ face on!” in the most sarcastic manner. Not because what they say isn’t true, but because, I’m fiercely independent and too private.

In the end, do you really think a few things a 23 years old German girl who is still watching Real Madrid soccer games probably because of Ronaldo trying to harass me on Facebook who’s not even lived her life yet going to deter me? I’m only being kind like everyone should be! I have never backed down from anything I firmly believed in. I got death threats and had a bounty on my head and tried to kidnap my 2 year old and 9 months old baby by a muslim lunatic with a PhD in early childhood education simply because I interpreted for his wife and children for the local police whom he tried to kill earlier in the day! I was just a 28 year old volunteer for abused women and children. When you’ve been around the block a few times and actually lived real danger, this criticism is simply nothing! I can hold my own; I’m not a weak woman. But I do prefer the proper utilization of the English language, professionalism, and don’t take me for an idiot; I’ve been around & seen the face of the world many of you of you have not... (pt 1)

Rosangela Maria Cabral Corvalan said...

Emine veja isso TODAS AQUI PEDINDO por favor, por favor, por favor coloque o capitulo 17 de volta eu PRECISO LER!!!



beijos

Rosângela

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Said that, I do care all of your opinion. What you request matters to me, because I want to better my writing skills. I have told you that this book will have 25-30 chapters. But if you’ve been following the comments lately, I have been getting requests to keep writing at least until the first movie comes up. So, I said I would do that for you at least until then. That’s 15 months away which makes a lot of chapters. Of course I’m also taking detours for YOU readers because you have been requesting me to write certain acts you may or may not have experienced in your own life. Understand that you’re getting a taste of what your fellow readers wanted and asked for. No other blog or writer will give the driving reins of their creative writing to someone else. I’m LETTING YOU to do that! You, the reader in the end are getting a custom made book with YOUR requests when it is possible though I am still going in the direction I want to go. So, trying to weave the requests takes a lot of juggling. For weeks now, I have received messages BEGGING me to write anal play, and I have received messages from readers who said that they’re missing the DOMINANT Christian. So, in an effort to please that group of you and not because such is my personal repertoire, I wrote these chapters and I have researched it a lot to do it correctly and ALL within Ana’s hard and soft limits.

And please don’t start saying, “I wouldn’t have done that in my sexual life!” If you think that Ana wouldn’t have done it, tell me exactly why she wouldn’t have done it. Is it because it’s a hard limit? Is it because Christian was cruel? Is it because he left marks on her? Is it because he was dealing with a very hard situation the only way he knew how? Let’s be objective. I don’t care for anybody’s SIDEWALK SALLY TALK. If anyone tries to abuse, fuck, slander, bitch at me or any other shit I don’t really care about, I will put you on the discard pile without any qualms. I cannot improve and give you something better to read if you’re here only to be bitchy in which case please stop the detestable howling and find yourself another place of worship. It’s counterproductive for me. This sort of behavior is going to make it difficult for me to take requests from everyone. Is it fair for the rest of the readers? Properly stated thoughts that are constructive like some of the Brazilian readers did today opened up dialogues which I respect and welcome immensely.

So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m limiting the requests. But I have spent quite a bit of time for Ch 17 so I will keep it as it is and change it in the original method I wanted to write. It’s like 2 different movie endings. You’ll have it both, but I will build up on the one I will alter.

Selfishness doesn't do any of us any good. We're a large community here and many of us became friends. Friends don't slander friends - not in my book. I cannot reciprocate in kind because it's not honorable, but I will kick your ass out or block you all together. My time is valuable and so should yours be. I have seen constructive criticism which have duly noted and will utilize your views and I thank you for it.

Simple observation: no one gets their way simply because they're bitchy. You'll fail in your relationships, and the kinds of relationships you acquire will be the ones no sane person care to have. I have respect for myself & I will show you respect as well. But, it's a two way road. Take the advice or leave it. I don't care either way.

Viviane Oliveira said...

Emine querida, como já comentei no face, eu ñ li o capítulo pois prefiro aguardar a tradução da Neusa, mas, por favor, coloquei de volta.
Nós amamos o seu trabalho e se alguém ñ aprecia ou ñ concorda, que ñ entre aqui. Pronto e acabou!!
Ñ se chateie pq simplesmente seu trabalho, pra mim, é perfeito. Considere como uma questão semântica e veja o qto é desproporcional o resultado, ou seja, A MAIORIA de nós ama o seu trabalho.
Bj com mto carinho pra vc.

Vivi OLiveira

Ediene O Maia said...

Emine eu não sei o motivo que fez você tirar o capítulo 17 mais Você deve ter tido suas razões para ter tirado e eu respeito isso, sei que você e uma mulher muito inteligente uma maravilhosa escritora sei que você faz muitas pesquisas antes para realizar a história para todas nos lermos que sempre foi espetacular, maravilhoso como sempre, estou aqui para te dizer que estarei sempre do seu lado pode contar comigo minha amiga.
Eu li o capitulo 16 que esta maravilhoso, comecei a ler o 17 até onde eu li estava fabulo, espetacular, eu só tenho que agradecer a você Emine por ter entrado na minha vida deste o dia que encontrei o seu blog e através de seus e-mails, muito obrigada minha amiga.
Beijos!!!
Ediene

Pollyanna said...

Emine não sou boa em escrever deixo isso para pessoas talentosas como você, amei o capítulo como a imensa maioria e gostaria de reler várias vezes como fiz com os outros ,ler de novo exatamente como era se for possível,conto com você

Anonymous said...

I was sooooo looking forward to reading chapter 17, then the PRUDES ruined it. HRUMPH. Don't let them take away from your storytelling genius! :D They can just go read another story.

Anonymous said...

MINHA QUERIDA ERMINE,ESTOU AQUI PARA TE PARABENIZAR POR VOCÊ SER MARAVILHOSA,EU LI O CAPÍTULO 17 E AMEI MUITO,NÃO SEI O SEU MOTIVOS POR TIRAR ELE DO BLOG,MAS DEVE TER SEUS MOTIVOS E RESPEITO MUITO,E SEI QUE VOCÊ VAI DAR UM SHOW NA REVISÃO,MAS NÃO MUDA MUITO NÃO POR FAVOR ELE ESTAVA LINDO DEMAIS.
SOU SUA FÃ GIRL,CONTINUE ASSIM MARAVILHOSA NÓS AQUI NO BRASIL E O MUNDO TE AMA MUITO E MUITOS QUE NÃO LERAM O CP17 DEVE ESTÁ CHORANDO COITADINHOS,KISSSS HELIANE BRASIL

Anonymous said...

HI Emine,
I haven't commented or read the comments in a while but reading these last comments has me with a WTF! I didn't get to read chapter 17 before you pulled it down but I trust after all the chapters you have written it fell well within the story. You do a wonderful job and above and beyond your home life and work no one should dare as more of you. Thank you for all your hard work.
Theresa
(Qld)(Aus)

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

I just perused over some of the e-mails I received and many of you want Ch 17 up. You can reach Ch 17 using the available link. It won't be on the homepage as you open it but the link now will work should you wish to read it.

Anonymous said...

hi S,
me and my family is safe and good. thank you. but with the things that happens re:the thypoon its a hard tym for us as a filipinos.

hope u have a wonderfull ays ahead.
thanks for asking
♥♥♥_karen_

Rosangela Maria Cabral Corvalan said...

Só uma coisa a dizer.

D. Bella já sou sua fã!!!

Nunca nos falamos antes, mas seu depoimento foi fantástico..parabéns!!!

Emine my dear, thanks for everything. Have a great day, cause my day will be wonderful!

Kisses

Beijos

Rosângela

ane said...

Ola Emine querida tudo bem ?
Bom quero muito te falar que li o capitulo 17 e gostei muito,como vi vários comentários de varias companheiras do blog se não gosto não leia ninguém é obrigado a ler nada e outra coisa tudo que foi te falado é por pura inveja do seu talento você é uma escritora maravilhosa e passa para a gente a magia de entrar dentro da historia e em cada capitulo fica aquele gostinho de quero mais estamos do seu lado e por favor nao ligue para esse povo com a cabeça pequena infelizmente existe gente muito invejosa neste mundo . Querida fique com Deus e que todas essas criticas negativas vire cada vez mais sucesso a você te adoro mil beijoss

ane said...

Hello dear Emine okay?
Well I really want to tell you that I read chapter 17 and liked it very much, as I saw several comments from several fellow blog is not like do not read nobody is forced to read anything and everything else was told you is sheer envy you your talent is a wonderful writer and passes to us the magic of entering into the story and each chapter is the one wanting more are on your side and please do not call these people with small head sadly there are people in this world very envious. Dear God be with you and all these negative critiques turn increasingly successful you love you a thousand kisses

Caroline Moraes said...


Dear Eminé,
As always you nailed it!
I loved your comment.
I'm sad for you though. You're doing us A FAVOR writing this book and I wish people realized it. You already have so much on your table and now this annoying situation is just ridiculous. Sorry for that.
Everything that you write should've be welcome with a huge smile and a thank you very much.
I read, loved and comment ch 17 and as I said " we have your back" always.
Do as you wish and we will be here happily waiting, for something that you do because you like not because you should, so, please, keep up the good work and let the haters talk to wind and fade alone, as you are doing. Elegant move btw.
Thank you so much for everything.
Big kiss from Brasil,

Caroline Moraes
Rio de Janeiro, Brasil

Anonymous said...

I have been following for a while...Seriously?! I wouldn't have changed anything...in the books C wanted to do anal & test A's limits, that is what you are doing in your writing...if readers have issues with sex...they shouldn't be following this blog or reading Fifty at all..Just keep doing what you are doing...You are doing what they can only tear down...if they would not have they it like that they can go write their own blogs...

Martha Baltazar said...

Loved, loved, loved this chapter. Each new chapter is just awesome. Thanks Emine.

Jaque said...

Loved loved loved ... Very good my friend! Simply amazing, I liked how they behaved in the presence of Flin and I really think that nightmares are part of pregnancy (have not had children yet) more like the area of student health know that hormones are only skin deep ... I'll read the next chapter now.

Hope (lovey) said...

Emine,

Just wanted to touch base with you I have just today read the latest 2 chapters ive been on deaths door and for me not to be reading your blog or the 50 Shades books you know that I was dieing...needless to say I am doing well now and just have read the wonderful loving exciteing chapters......you blow me away with your work I wish I could have on ounce of your creativity and mind..I love your writings almost more that the books they are a tie...your chapters bring more to the story it shows a love that is pure,lust,longing and everlasting true love...It fills the questions I had when the books ended and I am happy to say i am obsessed with your blogs. It is what gets me through some of my days getting lost in the chapters So I thank you for your devotion to the story and your fans.........

Now as far as this loser who post neg crap......Im in a kiss my ass mood so tell him or her or who ever chooses to post negative stuff on your FB/Twitter/or chapters If you dont like it dont read it and go the hell on........ I can not stand people who sit at a computer and passes judements on other people when they probably are 500lbs sitting there drinking 2liter cokes eatting whole cakes and has nothing better to do then put down someone who is spending there quality time and effort to make their dream of writeing and some happy fans day..........tell them to KM_A (Kiss My (where your from) Ass.....so it would be like KMBA Kiss my Bama Ass cause Bama is where im from.......

So anyway back to the chapters glad Ana and Christian is working out good love the story lines wish Kate would ease up and be understanding but I know drama has to happen still waiting for Ana to go off on Troll Bitch and the Sub Club cant wait for that it will be great

lots of hugs keep up the good work my friend

Laters, x

Anonymous said...

@ Elizabeth ze translator : bien dit ! Je n'aurais pas fait mieux ! ;) :)

(Well said! I wouldn't have done better!)

S. from France

Charm D said...

EmIne

Thank you for another amazing chapter. I was surprised to read that some readers found anal sex offensive and you had to take the chapter down. If you are reading a story where the couple likes to explore BDSM this should not come as a surprise never mind that the characters are married and are consenting adults. I hope you are not discouraged by the criticism of a few,the majority of your readers love and appreciate your writing.

Char

j.farmer2 said...

Hi Emine,
I was lucky enough to read the chapter before you pulled it. I loved it, hell I was hoping you would write the scene again only in her pov. I thought it would be cool to see how she felt about what he was doing, since she was cared in the beginning of their relationship, and how it was for her. Obviously she enjoyed it., but it would have been cool to experience it through her. You know have both pov's. But oh well I understand. Thanks for a great chapter. Hope all's well with you and yours. Patiently looking forward to the next chapter (on the edge oh my seat :-) lol)

Happy Thanksgiving

j.farmer2 said...

I was thinking about Kate and I hope Christian isn't too hard on her because I don't think she's used to being in the spot light either. I know she comes from money, but there's money and then there's MONEY. I doubt anyone's ever cared what she was doing on a daily basis. Occasionally maybe they were intrigued by her family, but I doubt it. I know she's part of the press, but she's used to being on the other side digging up the dirt not hiding it. In her defense she was in a place that caters to the filthy rich. Privacy is expected. Now, I understand about the security guards. But maybe she can learn to be guarded when she's with Ana. I think she'll come around after the baby's born, especially hers. She's still learning too.she's got to start thinking like a celebrity and not just the press. And she's got to learn to lighten up on Christian. She has to learn that she and Christian are both fighting for the same thing, Ana's safety and we'll being. They just go about it differently. If they could learn to accept each other's methods and cut each other some slack they might just learn to get along.which would go a long way to relieving Ana some stress.

Just a thought,

Janda

Claire Jolly said...

Hi Emine

I have not left any comments in quite a while however I have still been reading and looking at the comments that people have been leaving
The majority of us know that writing is your passion and that you get up so early or go to bed very late so you can get something written. You then also have the pressures of work and family life. Those of us with a family know that finding the balance of life is not easy
You give us a place where we can come and read and loose ourselves for a while and for that I am very thankful
I don't get mad very often however I really don't understand why chapter 17 got such crazy comments.
Ana loved the experience, and it was so hot to read and Christian did what he does best.
I could perhaps understand the comments if Christian and ana were in a normal relationship with nothing extraordinary then yup something like that is going to raise some eyebrows but they are not they love their kinky fuckery and we want to see them grow and trust each other this was another way for them to trust.

For you to be able to keep your story going in the direction that you have in mind and also write in our requests, that is talent

Your work is incredible, and personally you have been a good friend, I know iv been away for a while but know that I am thinking of you, and looking forward to the pella series being published

Happy Thanksgiving for Thursday to everyone who celebrates it

Love and hugs Claire from the highlands in Scotland xx

Anonymous said...

Boa tarde Emine,

Como sempre PERFEITO assim é seu trabalho,você consegue fazer com que cada capitulo seja uma viagem!!!!
Espero que as pessoas que não gostem mantenham os olhares em outras coisas e não aqui!!!
Sua escrita é feita para quem sabe manter a mente aberta,oque você escreve não significa que tenha que ser realizado por quem lê,acho muito ruim certos comentários,pois cada um lê e faz oque bem quiser!!!

Amo oque você escreve!!!!PERFEITO e quem não quiser ler que vá ler livros de culinária!!!!

Beijos!!!! ansiosa por mais e mais!!

Patrícia.

Anonymous said...

emine! Don't listen to people. You are a wonderful writer. I know where you are going with your story line. When people are married you have to trust them and have faith and thats what Christian and Ana are doing for each other. Please put a post up before Thanksgiving we really would appreciate it. You and your family have a wonderful holiday. Love from N.J. Janice

Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone Who celebrate It ♡♥♡♥
ciao, Annalisa, Italy

j.farmer2 said...

I just remembered something. When the President goes out they don't assign guards/agents too whoever he's with. They just double up his security detail. The extra security watches the room/area. So Kate can't say anything because it's Ana's detail. I'm obviously not an expert on this so tell me if I'm wrong, but that would work wouldn't it?

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Good morning everyone!

I hope you're all doing well. Another holiday season upon us! Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving with your families and loved ones. Lots of love, lots of food, and a whole a lot of family interaction. Enjoy it! Those of you who are traveling this Thanksgiving, please stay safe, drive safe and enjoy your time with your family!

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Hi j.farmer2!

In answer to your question- I had to look it up. According to the documentaries that was done on the topic, way before the president goes to someplace scheduled, periodic sweeps are done, and they have layers of security (rather "rings of security"). There's like 4 or more layers depending on where he's going.

Clearly, this can't be done for Ana's friend Kate, because she refuses. However, if you remember from the beginning, they usually do a sweep of a place before she goes, or Christian goes. But it isn't always foolproof. If you remember the chapter with Leila, Taylor had a sweep of Ana's apartment. Yet, Leila showed up later. So, at the time, the threat didn't exist.

They may have done one sweep an hour or two ago, yet, the lone boyfriend who shows up later is the source of threat. It's a place of business after all so they can't close shop like they don't close the restaurants they go to have a bite to eat.

Just Sawyer is there. But, Ana will be assigned an additional security detail as she had been been when Leila paid her a visit at SIP.

Penny Brueggemann said...

Hi Emine....I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know we all have so much to be thankful for! Our family dynamic has really changed. Mom has been gone for several years but recently lost my Aunt, my rock btw, and my dear sister. I still have my 93 year old pop that is failing but still hangin on. We had hoped to travel East to see my son and his family but I can't take the risk of getting stuck out in the weather with him. That being said, I have some really great friends and hope to spend time with them as well as reading a new chapter in the Clouds.....hint hint! Thankful for you as well because of the joy you bring us by sharing your gift. Thank you Emine. Happy Thanksgiving!

leila dias said...

Boa tarde Emine! Antes de tudo como esta você e sua família? Espero que esteja bem! Desejo tudo o de melhor para o seu lar,voce e seus familiares! Estou enviando um e-mail que me foi enviado por engano por uma fã sua, assim como eu sou. Beijos de montão! Marcia Faria Brasil Rio de Janeiro( Olá, eu achei sem querer seu blog hoje, adorei já de cara.... uma coisa me chamou atenção, foi o post do livro 50 Tons de Cinza narrado pelo Christian Grey.
Você postou 3 livros... achei que fosse parar por aí, já que a série original são de 3 livros... mas vi que escreveram um 4º livro... que você está postando os capítulos aos poucos conforme seu tempo... mas minha dúvida é se você sabe quantos capítulos esse 4º livro tem no total? Se não me engano, você postou até o capítulo 11. E disse que tinha té o 15, mas que ainda não tinha traduzido. É só pq eu gostaria de baixar tudo de uma vez, pra não me perder, ou baixar o livro completo... tenho paciência, rsrs... sei como é sua vida, pois tb sou casada e sou mãe... rsrsrs.

Bom, se vc precisar de ajuda quanto ao blog, já te falo, nunca administrei um blog, mas se vc quiser me ensinar, terei o maior prazer em te ajudar, pois o blog é ótimo.
Obrigada pela atenção,
Flávia Paladino.
flavia157@msn.com)

Ane said...

Emine saudades querida tudo bommm ?

Emine estou relendo também a trilogia da E L James,estou no capitulo que Christian e Ana com seus amigos e familiares vão para sua casa em aspen,gostaria de saber se tem uma possibilidade de um capitulo que os mesmo voltam para aspen levando pais de Ana e amigos como a mesma fala ao Christian. Não sei se seria algo legal mais adoro capítulos que amigos e familiares estão junto com eles pois como Christian sempre foi muito fechado e sozinho adoro ver como Ana o fez se abrir mais com as pessoas e se divertir junto a elas.

Beijosss

ane said...

Emine dear miss all bommm?

Emine'm also rereading the trilogy EL James, the chapter that I am Christian and Ana with your friends and family go to his home in Aspen, would like to know if you have a chance of a chapter that same turn to aspen leading parents Ana and friends the same as talking to Christian. I do not know if it would be something cool I love most chapters that friends and family are with them because as Christian has always been very close and love to see how Ana alone made ​​him more open to people and have fun along with them.

Kisses

j.farmer2 said...

Dear Emine,

The President was just an extreme example of my point. I didn't expect you to go through the trouble of looking it up, but thank you. Good point well made Emine :-). I had forgotten about the apt. Thanks for the reminder. You right it wouldn't make a lot of sense, and these people do tend to be tricky. But I bet Christian wishes he could lol. I enjoy you work immensely and look forward to the next chapter.

Thank you for your time and enjoy your Thanksgiving.

Janda

Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone xx

Sue, UK

Johanna said...

Hi Emine,

Happy thanksgiving to you and your family! I am currently visiting your beautiful state of Arizona. My sister lives in Mesa, and we traveled from Northern California to spend the thanksgiving holiday with her. We will be here until Sunday and hope to do some sightseeing during our stay. Arizona is such a beautiful state with so much to see and do.

I loved these two chapters. Then again, I love all your writing. Don't ever stop please. Talk to you later :)

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

(part 1)

Good evening Girls,

Apologize for not being able to comment for a while. It wasn't intentional. I had a lot going on with work & life (add the blog to the equation, you get the picture) creating overwhelming stress past 3 weeks because everything’s been bearing down. I have to go on auto pilot to get my work done. I don't know if all of you can understand what it means to work 75-100 hours a week. 75 hrs/week makes a minimum of 10.7 hrs each & everyday of the week. If I work 100 hrs, that’s an average of 14.3 hrs per day. That doesn't include what I have to do for family, the blog, my regular writing and the demands from friends. Clearly I reached a breaking point and needed a few days off from everything & everyone.

I've told you before; I'm an analytical person. There are 15,000 readers here at any given day (with 178 countries). Some days we have 25,000 readers/day. I have an e-mail box with 4161 unread e-mails after having gone through 3K past 2 weeks. These are requests & comments.

From the beginning I told you I would accommodate you with your requests which I've done. We've talked about this repeatedly, but I'm saying it again.

This is for those certain critics;

Book 1 (50 Shades of Grey) spans a time frame of about a month and a half. Yes, 1.5 months. Not even a complete 2 months. (CG and Ana meet around May 10th and the book ends on June 2nd when she leaves). Some of you complained that at chapter 17 I'm only at 3 months pregnant. That's means I've already covered twice the time frame Book 1 did. There are 100 mentions of sex, well over 100 fucks; in fact the entire content is about Christian and Ana's sexual acts and introduction to sex. If we removed sex from Book 1 what do we have left? Sex is an integral part of the trilogy. Doesn't everything revolve around sex for Christian because it's his coping mechanism? He’s still learning to calm down and Ana is getting to be bolder.

One of you said that Ana is becoming a woman with expensive clothes and just sex (I might be misquoting but that’s the line). We’re talking about drastic changes in this young woman’s life. Introduced to bdsm, had a filthy rich boyfriend (#25 in the world), got married, got pregnant, and got very sick in about 3 months. I have had stress 3 weeks and I kicked out my whining best friend put her on a time out where she can keep her mood swings on ice and cool it down. It’s something I would ordinarily never do, but we each have a breaking point. We’re human. So, here’s this 22 year old young woman going through drastic changes in her life and we’re criticizing the way she’s behaving because it’s outside of our norms. No. That won’t do. Let’s learn to put ourselves in other’s shoes.

Said that, I will still write to those of you who wants a lighter version (meaning lighter on the sex -since I already fulfilled the requests of those who wanted 1) anal sex 2) Dominant Christian. Please don't send complaints when the new chapter 17 version comes up as what I originally planned: less sex, and moving forward in the direction I want to go to. Maybe I won’t show you any kinky fuckery until you beg for it. We shall see.

We've discussed time frames. I have been repeatedly asked to write for another 15 months (until the movie comes up). That makes a lot of chapters. Yes, this book will end at 30, but there will be more.

What kind of time frame did 50 Shades Darker cover? Book 2 spans a time frame of 16 days (June 2nd – the day Ana leaves - through June 18th – Christian’s birthday party).
...

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

(Part 2)...
Book 3 (Freed) cover about 3 years.

So, I think it is unfair if you're criticizing me for covering 3 months in 17 chapters whereas entire Book 1 and 2 didn't cover as much time frame as I did in 17 chapters.

We covered the pregnancy which is the high point of the chapter (the beginning). We could not have avoided the reactions to the pregnancy from family and friends neither could we avoid the changes Ana's body is going through, her sickness, and cravings. But there's also an underlying story where the threat from Linc isn't over. Laying the groundwork in the story to cover so many bases as well as satisfy the requests from thousands of readers where I have to categorize those requests is not an easy task.

So, I've told you that I'm going to limit requests (though I'm still getting quite a few), and move on with the unfolding of the story.

We really aren't behind or limited in the vision. The story is still unfolding. I may just have to make sub chapters where I had fulfilled readers' requests such as the current chapter 17 which was overwhelmingly requested.

Anyway, I'll implement some changes to accommodate the "critics" and that's that. I'll move on as I planned. Please remember that I am trying to accommodate thousands of requests. It really isn't an easy task. If any of you could accommodate thousands of requests better, my hat’s off to you.

But I have limited time, I have to set the story in my head, and I am cutting the fat from all the critics and requests.

Remember, we are a community here. It's grown into a large community, and there are diverse interests, requests, wants and desires. I am making all the effort to find a middle ground. We are learning to "Compromise". So, next order of business is where I will accommodate those of us who are more romantics and I will still have to add the complications that are coming up. So hang tight. I'm working my ass off translating and writing software. I write codes for the computers you're using. If I don't produce words, and lines of codes, my work isn't done. I don't clock in. My projects are my time clock and work. It's not based on hours; it's based on what is completed.

I had to take the time off for myself because I can only do so much before breaking down. I too have feelings, responsibilities, bills, jobs, family, worries and a limit though it may be higher than many of you. In all of this, I want to thank my sweet Scottish warrior friend and reader Michelle who has been an amazing friend and my rock as well as all the Brazilian girls and all of you who have been cheering on and being understanding. This is our community, and many of us are now friends. Thank you for all your support. Update will come next week.

Anonymous said...

Emine,
You are amazing. I can't believe how much response this chapter has gotten and am surprised of criticism. There are so many who love your writing. I don't know how you manage to do everything. You are a fantastic writer and I love all the chapters. Looking forward to buying the Pella book when it comes out. Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
:)Michele

Kim Sparks said...

Hey there, I totally agree with Michelle that you are amazing and fabulous writer. i also love all your chapters that you have written and can't wait to read the ones that you have yet to write. you are doing a wonderful job keep up the great work my friend.

Love Kim S

Anonymous said...

Michelle Wilson said
Thank you so much for that Emine,I'm sitting here with a mega watt smile reading your words & I'm gratefully touched! Your friendship means the world to me so thank you again!
You're very much spot on with the time frame & I think a lot of readers have very much forgotten the original set up of all 3 books from EL James & it's been very evident in quite a few of the responses! As you said Emine if you were to take away the sex in all three originals you could pretty much condense all 3 books into 1! Maybe some readers should go back & reread the originals ( also take the rosé tinted glasses off while reading!) the sex is there along with the story of how they feel in love! I would also strongly recommend that some readers reread chapter 25 of FSF & the epilogue! This is the blanks that Emine is filling in! Can I just clarify that the ending of chapter 25 ends with Ana in the playroom ( remember she begged CG for them to go back there for kinky fuckery) & the epilogue starts with Ana day dreaming about the night before acts in the playroom! FACT! If you can't take the Kinky fuckery then this isn't the book for you. We're all adults here,we've all had different sexual experience,of course some of what we read it may not be something we would want to experience ourselves. However I enjoy ever word & the world of BDSM or in CG & Ana's case pure 100% unadulterated kinky fuckery has certainly left a lingering smile on me & to my husbands pleasure face!
Emine your doing a tremendous job in filling in the blanks! You've gone way way beyond all our expectations. The fact you give so much of yourself to us & you're willing to continue to do so mines so much to & no doubt millions of you're readers!
Now you will find me in the read room of kinky fuckery on my hands & knees begging for more! Please do stop your so good at "Aiming to please" ;)
Lots of love from your "Wee Scottish Warrior" xxx

Naines said...

Querida Emine, por favor, retorne o cap. XVII, eu adorei. Tenho 64 anos, só tive meu marido como amante e me divertia bastante. Não deixe que pessoas invejosas, carentes, sem vida sexual influenciem sua escrita. Há algum impedimento de ser publicado Cinquenta Tons versão Christian? Nenhuma editora a procurou, creio que seria um novo best-seller. Continue, não nos deixe órfãos. Naines (Brasil)

Naines said...

Querida Emine, por favor, retorne o cap. XVII, eu adorei. Tenho 64 anos, só tive meu marido como amante e me divertia bastante. Não deixe que pessoas invejosas, carentes, sem vida sexual influenciem sua escrita. Há algum impedimento de ser publicado Cinquenta Tons versão Christian? Nenhuma editora a procurou, creio que seria um novo best-seller. Continue, não nos deixe órfãos. Naines (Brasil)

Anonymous said...

Emine: I just read your 11/30 posts and I caught up on all the other chatter and it has to be said again - you are an amazing writer. Your accomodation all the requests is simply a bonus. Your sacrifice of personal time for your blog community is most appreciated. I find your writing an escape from the every day which is often so hard to find. Write as you feel - your instinct. Please do not let the negative "nay sayers" drag you down. With appreciation.

Sabina (NJ)

leila dias said...

Boa noite Emine!
Eu admiro sua força e seu talento.
Sei que tem seus problemas e os compreendo. Desejo sempre o melhor para você e os seus, nunca pare de lutar pelos seus sonhos.
Aguardo ansiosa pelos os próximos capítulos, que será um melhor do que o outro, com certeza!
Saúde, esperança, amor e esperança! Beijos de coração!
Marcia Faria Brasil Rio de Janeiro

Anonymous said...

Eta? :)

Anonymous said...

When will we be getting another chapter? It's been almost a month and I am going through withdrawal....lol. I so appreciate your writing. I miss Christian, especially after seeing the.pics coming from the film set. Can't wait! Thank you so much for keeping his story going through your writing

Ane said...

Meninas vamos dar uma animada neste blog esta muito parado

beijoss a todas

Graci ribeiro dutra de sousa said...

Gente, quem está traduzindo os textos para o português?

Graci ribeiro dutra de sousa said...

Meninas, quem está traduzindo o livro 4 para o português?

Graci ribeiro dutra de sousa said...

anxiously Waiting the next chapter.

Anonymous said...

When you will publish the new chapter?

Anonymous said...

EMINE! I hope you are ok We haven't heard from you. I hope all is well with you and your family. Love from N.J. Janice

leila dias said...

Boa noite Emine!
Estou um pouco sumida pois estava com problemas na internet, mas estou ansiosa para saber das novidades. Se esta tudo bem com você, quando vamos ter o privilégio de ter mais um do seus capítulos, o ultimo foi fantástico. Espero que esteja bem e desejo o melhor.
Beijos!
Marcia Brasil rio de Janeiro

Anonymous said...

Olá Emine,
Espero que tudo esteja bem com você e sua família.
Tenho observado que você tem passado por algumas dificuldades,desejo que tudo acabe bem e você volte a nos iluminar com os capítulos.
Não deixe que tirem o brilho de sua escrita e não desista.
Os últimos capítulos estão sendo postados com um intervalo maior de uma para o outro,as vezes fico pensando....Acho que ela vai desistir!!!
Realmente espero que não!!!
Beijos.
Patrícia.

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Hi Girls!

I'm not giving up writing at all. Last month had been a very difficult month. I've lost a friend to a car accident, another friend to cancer, and final straw was when my college roommate's husband (a dear friend I've known since I was 18) committed suicide. All these deaths came one after another. When the last death came in the form of a suicide, it hit me very hard. Illness, and accidents happen. But, the latter was unfair to my friend and their children. This occurred in CA and I live in AZ. So, I had to set up grief counseling for her. It's right before Christmas. Just a very very sad situation.

I think I just put myself on auto pilot and drowned myself in work (and I did write, but it was too dark to be compatible with 50, so, I'm saving those for something else).

I was trying to unwind this week (not happening --- too much work) and went to movies etc. Now, I'm back and writing and writing and writing.

The hiatus had nothing to do with readers at all. Just too many loved ones dying which had been very very hard.

But life is for the living, and I'm just getting a bit of normalcy back. So, hard at work and long hours of writing is always welcome over sad stuff.

Stress of if even caused me to push close friends away (especially the ones who are really whiny. I had to put some of them on ice, because I was in no mood to take --how shall I put this delicately-- shit, from even good friends. When the cup is full, it's full.

But, don't worry, I'm writing (a lot)... and I will post. This had nothing to do with readers.

Hugs to all!

Anonymous said...

Emine! You poor thing I knew something had to be terrible wrong. Especially not hearing from you. Sorry I don't always read some of the comments. Bless you and your family during this time. Love from N.J. Janice

Paula Costi said...

Oh Emine, I really thought that something was truly wrong.
Hope you feel emotionally better as sooner you can, that's a terrible way to finish the year. :(

Anonymous said...

Bless your heart! I'm so very sorry! We are loyal readers, no matter what. I hope everything gets better for you ASAP and you have a great Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Sorry for your losses. Keep your head up and take care of your loved ones. We will still be here.

Claire Jolly said...

Was getting very worried about you emine, can now understand why. you have been through so much, just don't do too much too soon. We love your writing however love you more and your wellbeing is so much more important.
Love and hugs
Claire from highlanda in scotland xxx

Claire Jolly said...

Was getting very worried about you emine, can now understand why. you have been through so much, just don't do too much too soon. We love your writing however love you more and your wellbeing is so much more important.
Love and hugs
Claire from highlanda in scotland xxx

Anonymous said...

Emine hello! I'm glad to know you're there yet, despite everything, but you're right..when the cup is full, it's full! I understand you personally (Ilived more'or less the same thing in 2012)
A hug and best wishes of Merry Christmas to you all
annalisa, Italia

Ane said...

Bom dia meninas
Graci ribeiro dutra de sousa bom dia quem traz os capitulo aqui no brasil é a Neusa somente ela bjoss

Ane said...

Emine querida saiba que sempre pode contar com a gente em tudo mil beijos!!

Kaili said...

Emine,
How are you doing my friend?
You've been through hell and back the past few months, I know you're a mom and being selfish has no precedence, but be selfish and take care of yourself.

Us blog reviews and fans of yours are very understanding and will be patient (right everyone?) for your return with another chapter.

As the 2013 close, I like to thank you, for taking your time, creativity, energy and time away from your kids to endure us on this continuance journey with the Greys.

I hope you find some peace and happiness in 2014. Good luck with everything (incldg the launch of PELLA series----pls can I be a beta reader and blog the book review?).

Last comment I promise: I've read some of the reviews recently on this blog and I have to say; shame on some of you. This is Emine's "goodwill" fanfiction blog. She is generous enough to let us enjoy and take our comments into consideration. Please reciprocate with the same "respect" as she is giving to us. Please be patient with her work and understanding of her commitment to other duties in life.

Take Care Emine, have a wonderful holiday.
--Kaili

Anonymous said...

Take you time and take care of yourself. We'll be here for you until you're ready to post a new chapter. I'm sending prayers to you and your friends family. Racquel from Chicago

Janaina Mariá said...

Emine my dear.. I'm so sorry for your lost!
All my love and suport for you and their family!
Take all time you needd! I'm here for you if you want to talk.. Love you! Jana Mariá

leila dias said...

Boa tarde Emine!
Li o seu e-mail hoje, continuo desejando o melhor. Adoro os seus capítulos, mas se você não estiver bem nada de vale eles para nos. É o que penso e sinto.
Faça como forme o seu tempo, sei que somos ansiosas para ler, porem queremos o melhor para você.
Se puder enviar um e-mail para mim será bem vinda (marciafdmartins@hotmail.com)
Beijos!
Marcia Faria Brasil Rio de Janeiro

Heather Cornejo said...

Dear sweet Emine,please take care of yourself and your family before worrying about the blog. We will always be here waiting for your return. I lost two loved ones this year and my oldest daughters (16) best friend just lost her dad on 12/15. Life doesn't stand still for anyone. Take it easy sweet girl.

My families favorite quote goes: Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

Much love,
Heather from Texas :)

gezinvandorp said...

Dear emine i wish you and your family and al your blogreaders a merry merry christmas and a happy new year

loves wilma
from the netherlands

Ane said...

Emine Meninas bom dia!!
Estou passando para desejar um natal cheio de luz no lar de cada uma de vocês,e agradecer por estar no blog que me alegra todos os dias beijos a todas !!

Anonymous said...

Dear emine. I'm so so sorry to hear whats been going on in your life. I hope you and your family have a lovely xmas and new year. Take a break you deserve one! We will all be here when you get back. Take care xx Lucy in UK

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Good morning girls!

It's been a while since I had a chance to talk to you.

First I'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year!

I'm sorry I haven't been able to post for a month now (I have written, but given my mood, it was dark, so, I won't post that). I intend to post a new chapter before the New Year hopefully.

I've not expected the month to be this difficult with several losses. It began with my college roommate's husband's suicide. He was an old friend. Then, my friend I went to school with died of breast cancer in London. I discovered that trying to find out whether she was going to come see me for Christmas. She'd visit her family for either Thanksgiving or Christmas and I'd get to spend a day with her between one of those holidays. I've emailed her trying find out when she'd be in the States, but she didn't respond. I called her family in California who informed me that she got a very aggressive form of breast cancer which killed her within 3 months in London.

Another friend going to Christmas shopping from Santa Barbara to Los Angeles died in a car crash. His fiancé survived but he was DOA.

Every death was a hard blow. But, the worst was to me was the loss of my uncle who was like a father. When I was a kid, my dad was always on a business trip. His job took him away often. My grandparents and my uncle were there for us when dad was on a trip.

But, constant grief is not conducive. When the tears ran their course, kids were being kids, my daughter won the spelling bee, and my friend w/out invitation showed up cleaned my house, set-up my Christmas tree (dec 16th), made me a pot of tea and cheered me up.

I remembered the lessons I've learned from my uncle and wrote them down and joined the living.

1. Life is precious, a gift; don’t waste it. Not one single moment beyond this one is ever guaranteed. But we are lucky to be here, in the present, and living. The difficulties are only there to surpass them. There is nothing you can’t succeed in should you wish to accomplish your goals.

2. A person can both be compassionate and strong. The presence of the first value does not negate the value of the latter. It is important to be positive in life. If you have nothing to offer someone, you still can give two things: A kind smile and hope.

3. Love is a verb: Not just a noun. When he said, “Take good care of yourself! Don’t work yourself to exhaustion. My daughter, your cold weather has nothing over ours; dress warmly. Please don’t drive fast, child. Go slow, come back alive. Call me when you get to your destination, so I know you arrived safely. When our prayers are with you, nothing can take you down! You called! You can’t imagine how happy you made me. May God also please you,” who would need the very dim, “I love you”.

4. Happiness is knowing the value of what you hold in your possession, your health, your loved ones, your belongings. Know their value when you still have them. That should be sufficient to make you happy.

5. A life you spend loving others and being loved is a life worth living.

6. There’s music? Great! Don’t waste it. Dance with your wife!

7. Honor is permanent.

8. Be a child with a child.

9. Don’t waste your day.

10. Don’t be afraid to laugh when it’s time to laugh, to cry when it’s time to cry, be happy or angry. All of these emotions are normal and within human nature. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks; you know your own heart.

11. My final lesson is: I’m going to miss you like I never missed anyone else. I’m going to miss the way you say “Tell me about the Rocky Mountains,” the way you walk your hands tied on your back, the way you joke with us… You have been one of the very few people I have truly admired and loved. Today is the only day you broke my heart. You left without saying goodbye...

All in all, life is GREAT! We're privileged to be living. I hope to post a chapter before the year is out. Merry Christmas everyone!

Audrey said...

Stay strong Emine. Life is a blessed gift. Enjoy every moment and you right, it's truly a privilege to be living. I'm grateful for it now every single day and each night.

Wishing you a meaningful and a blessed Christmas!!

Thinking of you,

Audrey x

annie7632 said...

Merry Christmas to you and your family Emine. I hope you have had a lovely day....

Merry Christmas to all of you lovely Bloggers. Hope you've all had a wonderful day....

Lots of love

Anne (UK)

Anonymous said...

Beautiful words... a brave woman... Merry Christian And Happy New Year for You, yuor familiare And Friends.
Kiss And hugs
Annalisa, Italy

Andrea Leoncio said...

Feliz Natal Emine, e um Ano Novo abençoado, cheio de Paz, Amor e Saúde para vc e todos que voce ama! Que no ano de 2014 vc realize muitos sonhos e alcance os objetivos que vc tem lutado e trabalhado bravamente para alcançar!

Mais uma vez eu digo: seus comentários são um capítulo a parte (um Bonus), vc é forte minha amiga...e mesmo num momento de tanta dor, em que nós é que deveríamos estar consolando-a é vc que nos surpreende com suas sábias palavras...obrigada!

Estou orando por vc ... e peço que o menino Jesus console o seu coração.

Mary Grant said...

Hi Emine,
I am so sorry to hear of all your pain and loss. I know what you are going through. I lost my grandmother in October of 2011 and my mother March of 2012. They were both very sick and it was time for them both to rest but it was still very hard to lose hem boh sooo close together especially with my mom because she was only 53. I should have had at least 10 more years with her. I miss her soo much especially this time of year. Our last time together was Christmas 2011. Now I understand why I pushed so hard to get her to be with us that year even when she said she didn't think she could make it. Something bigger than the both of us knew we needed that time. Even if it wasnt perfect and I worked most of it, my girls and I needed that little bit more of her before she was called home.
I hope that you are finding some love and comfort in your life with your famiy and know that the hurt will get smaller over time. It never goes away but t becomes manageable and reminds you of what's important. Take care of yourself and your family.
Best wishes to you and your family. Happy Holidays, may your New YEAR be a dream come true.

Luciene said...

Emine

Happy New Year!
I hope that 2014 brings you peace, health, success ... and inspiration to write good stories! ;)

ETA new chapter?

Kiss and Hugs
Luciene - Brazil

Anonymous said...

What beautiful words my darling Emine! Thank you for sharing them and your endless good and kind spirit all year long. We love you!

Thinking of you and sending you loads of love during this difficualt and challenging time.

GIna B.
xxxx

Anonymous said...

Forse Emine And all The Friend of this blog around the word.....MANY WHISES AND HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR,,!
baci e abbracci Annalisa, Italia

annie7632 said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU, YOUR FAMILY AND TO ALL OF YOU LOVELY BLOGGERS.... I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A 2014 YEAR FULL OF LOVE, PEACE, HAPPINESS AND GOOD HEALTH...

XX

Claire Jolly said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL WHO LOVE THIS BLOG, EMINE HOPE 2014 BRINGS YOU ALL OF THE HAPPINESS THAT YOU DESERVE.
MANY HAPPY RETURNS TO ALL.

LOVE CLAIRE FROM HIGHLANDS IN SCOTLAND XX

Anonymous said...

Feliz ano novo Emine!!!!
Que seu ano seja iluminado.
Que seja o melhor sempre!!!
Beijos
Patricia

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year Emine and Happy New Year to all the readers all over the world. May 2014 be very good for everyone and let us read more and more about Christian and Ana.

Love to you all,
S. from France (Chantal Countrygirl)

Mary Grant said...

Happy New Year Emine,
Hope all was well and that you and the family had fun. I also want to wish a Happy New Year to all the readers of this wonder blog & I that everyone has a great 2014.
Laters Ladies.
Mary G

GediGyrl said...

Excuse my language, but holy shit!! I've been away for awhile...had a lot going on...I come back to this fabulous chapter but its clouded by all of this critic crap!! Lest we all forget that this is a blog that Eminé writes!! That means her words, her thoughts, her intent and what she wants!! She has done us all a favor by incorporating requests from readers, however, please understand that she does NOT have to do so!! Does any other writer do that? Would EL James? I think not and I think it is rude and obnoxious to give her the hell that has been thrown her way. Its ridiculous that we live in a society where people feel so self righteous as to down and attack another for what they work hard to produce? How dare you?!

Eminé I just want to say a huge THANK YOU for all the hard work that you have and will put into this blog for us. I also would like to extend my condolences for the losts that you have encountered. I pray for the families of all the families and friends involved.

Cynthia Settimo said...

Emine,
I am so sorry to read about your loses. My heart is heavy for you and my prayers are with you.
I do look forward to a new chapter when you are ready. Have a very Happy New Year.

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year Emine and all the fans here in the clouds.

May we all have a grateful, balanced and prosperous new year.

Thinking of you Emine and hoping all is okay from London,

Big Love!

Gina B.
xxxx

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year Emine and all the fans here in the clouds.

May we all have a grateful, balanced and prosperous new year.

Thinking of you Emine and hoping all is okay from London,

Big Love!

Gina B.
xxxx

Karen said...

just got a chance to read this....awesome, such depth, I feel her anguish....you are incredible....

ane said...

Emine querida tudo bom?
Meninas tudo bommm ?
Saudade de vocês bora remexer esse blog <3

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Hi everyone!

I've worked over the weekend so that I can write starting tomorrow. The new chapter is this week. I do have flu but it's getting better (the 4th day).

Hope everyone is well. When I slow down (after a chapter is posted) I promise will address you all afterwards :)

hugs to all!

Anonymous said...

Hello Eminé, I just saw your message. Can't wait for the next chapter (hopefully before tomorrow evening, my time), but I do hope you're feeling better. Take care of you.
Love,

S. from France (Chantal Countrygirl)

Anonymous said...

Hey Emine,
I've been a reader for a long time now and I've never commented. I love your writing and many of my friends read because of me. I rarely comment on anything and I feel so apprehensive about this comment. However, at the same time I would like to communicate my desires. I loved how you would post like clockwork every week on a day you previously told us. I so appreciate you taking out the time to write and share with all of us. I realize life happens and your only human. Even if you post every 2 or 3 months I wish you would tell us when to expect something. I literally check everyday at least 4 times. The anticipation is so killing me.
Thanks for sharing your work! Your amazing. I hope this isnt perceived as a negative or impatient comment. I dont mind waiting you're that great I just wish I had a semi definitive date in mind.