Sunday, February 3, 2013

Life's Little Reminders...

Hi Everyone!
Happy Superbowl Day! May the best team win! Arizona Cardinals isn't in the game, so, I don't favor one team or the other.
I know all of you are waiting for the new chapter, but I haven't had the time to finish it. Work and life seems to get in the way. I'm still working on it, and I'll work on it until 49ers and Ravens game starts. I worked on a few emergency translations this week. (although I would prefer writing).
But, I read something this morning which I wanted to share with you, and I realized why I started writing this blog.  
50 Shades series is more than hot sex, Christian's past, finding himself, and Ana and Christian growing together. It's about intimacy in a couple's life, and how important it is, and how little attention is being paid to it. Overlooked.
So, here's this little story I want to share with you, and I hope it makes everyone ponder about it a little, and show some love and intimacy to the person in your life. I don't see you just as "readers" who stop by and go. Many of you have become good friends whose friendship I value immensely. Friends, in my book talk more than just supercilious, mundane incidents, but life as well. The word friend in the ancient Orkhon Inscriptions used (written in the early 8th century found in Mongolia) literally translated as "the stone you lean your back on," the one who has your back. That's why the old warriors fight with their backs to each other. It's a way of saying "I got your back." A friend apparently was described as the person you can trust your life with.

Here's my way of saying "I got your back," sharing this bit of information, small but an important reminder. I was raised having been taught that one shouldn't go without a physical touch, or away from one's spouse more than three days. I always kept that rule in my heart, mind and practice. I don't go someplace without my husband unless I absolutely have to (except for training, or some family emergency); but even then I talk, text, or email him and keep in touch. Because the lack of it, erodes the relationship slowly, but surely.

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. "I want a divorce." I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, "why?"

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, "you are not a man!" That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. "No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce," she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, "daddy is holding mommy in his arms." His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; "don’t tell our son about the divorce." I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, "Dad, it’s time to carry mom out." To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, "I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy." I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, "Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore."

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. "Do you have a fever?" She said. I moved her hand off my head. "Sorry, Jane," I said, "I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart." Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, "I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart."

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. ♥

Remember love is the richest of all treasures. Without it there is nothing; and with it there is everything. Love never perishes, even if the bones of a lover are ground fine like powder. Just as the perfume of sandalwood does not leave it, even if it is completely ground up, similarly the basis of love is the soul, and it is indestructible and therefore eternal. Beauty can be destroyed , but not love. ♥

Love Me Tender - Elvis



Anonymous said...

Beautiful post. A wonderful reminder to always show your partner how much you love them even during the most difficult of times. Thank you as always for inspiring us. Your friend with the healing concussion

ANA1003 said...

Dearest Emine,
Beautiful story.
My eyes were brimming with tears while reading it.
You really are very thoughtful.
Thanxx a toone
Lots of love <3<3

Jenfer said...


Beautiful! Sometimes its the small things in life that mean the most, like a touch or a few sweet words.

Thank you for this!

Love & Laters,


Michelle Vuko said...

Love this. Thank you. We are soccer fans so American football isn't followed at our house (even though we are Americans). Enjoy the game. I cannot wait for your next post!!!!!!!!

Carol said...

Oh,Emine, that was sooo beautiful. I am in tears here. Thank you for that story. In was so insightful. It is true, we should take a step back, me included, and check out the luxuries around us...the husband and children that we should treasure and show our love to everyday. <3<3

Backsassing said...

Thanks girly girl!
Will be watching the game too (commercials)

sue said...

How beautiful. Made me cry.
Thank you for posting this.

Sue xx

Anonymous said...

perfect and beautiful story
I hope your job it's ok...
I'll waiting for the next cap!
tanks a lot for all
Many kiss from yours fan by ITALY!

Heather Cornejo said...

I loved that story the first time I read it and I still love it today.
Tomorrow is my husbands and I 7th wedding anniversary. We have both been married before. 5 years for him and 6 for me. This is a very special anniversary for the both of us. Not just because we have been married this time around longer than the first but because we have learned what we did wrong the first time around. We take time out for one another, make sure we don't take one another for granted and we make sure that we respect each other. Most people treat friends or strangers better than their spouse and wonder why they end up divorced.

Like I have said before; we are here and aren't going anywhere. I will be patiently waiting for the next chapter. Do your work and be with your family!


Catarina* said...

So sad and so beautiful at the same time.

And this applies not only to spouses but to family's like you once said to me my dear, we have to value and cherish the ones we love every day, and tell them that because one day they are with us, and on the next one, they aren't.

But life carries us away and we forget that sometimes. I do at least and I'm sorry for that. But we all learn not only from our mistakes, but from others too, so we all can learn something from this story.

So like you to share something like this my dear. I hope you are enjoying Superbowl!

Love you big sis :)


cat675 said...

Such a touching story. It brought tears to my eyes.

IrishRosie said...

I have read this before but each and everytime I do It brings tears to my eyes. I will never understand why it is so easy for some men and women to throw away a spouse. I've never been married. Came close once but infidelity changed that. Every person getting married or in a commeted relationship should read this.

wombatinpurple said...

Thanks Emine for posting this story again. It's been sent around through emails and shared through facebook but everytime I come across this story, I still read it word by word till the end, even when I knew what the ending was. It is true - physical touch means a lot.

Thanks for sharing.

Audrey said...

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - 1 Cor 13:13

Im surprise to find this posting and grateful you shared them with us. Its very touching. We often overlooked and take things for granted. So.. Thanks for the reminder.

And to remind how great a love can be which was also part of CG's redemption.


Sheila Hall said...

I have read this story before but it does not make any difference because it is still a very sad and strong sentiment. It is one of those things that you read and really think about afterwards for quite some time - thank you. Looking forward to reading the next chapter, but you take care of yourself first all the fans will still be here.

Eminé Fougner @ Cowboyland said...

Thank you ladies!

I've been up since 1:30 writing and writing and writing. I'm running on coffee and black tea. I have to conduct an OPI interview in 2 hrs, and then resume writing again. I intend to post tonight.

Sometimes, even if the story is heard, it's worth reminding. Intimacy is an integral part of a relationship. Ignoring it would be to the detriment of the relationship. I've met a few individuals recently who were deluding themselves saying that it wasn't as important in the marriage (I don't know what universe they were living in); being equally yoked was the only important aspect that weighed in the marriage.

Having as many common grounds is very important for a couple, but there maybe 2 billion people who believe in the same thing as you or I do; that doesn't make each and every one of them marriageable or compatible with me or you for that matter. Relationships are not a one variable equation. It has many variables. Intimacy weights a lot in it and sometimes its grossly overlooked.

Sometimes life gets in the way and because of that the reminders, other examples are great. No need to reinvent the wheel.

Ok, I'm back to writing while listening to Michael Buble and Norah Jones. I still have to work today.

Anonymous said...

Lawd have mercy....this was by far one of the best love stories I ever read and made me want to do better in mymarriage and LIFE . Thanks from Racquel in Chicago

Anonymous said...

Omg so true and cute...omg got tear-eyed.. Lovely...LOVE..LOVE..LOVE!!!...❤❤

carla said...

beautiful words

Anonymous said...

So beautifully written. Thanks again for this:-)

Anonymous said...

I have read your little story before and it NEVER fails to strike a little emotion in me. How easily life can change and we can lose what is important, lose our way. Thanks again for reposting this. Oh, and vor ending yourbpost with the perfect, absolutely perfect love song. The King ALWAYS soothes what ails me.


Denale said...

Brought tears to my eyes..... So true. Thanks for sharing.

Rachel Smith said...

I've read that post before and I've always loved it. It reminds you that you don't always know what tomorrow brings you, and that you should cherish your family and remain faithful. Life is too short to waste it with regrets. I love you Emine for sharing this!!!

PandaBear said...

This had me on the edge of tears and Im not married - never been in love ect. People forget what is truly important to them, the get married and assume that will lead to happily ever after and they dont work at what they have because it can be difficult. It pains me to watch those people lose the life and partner they once loved >.<

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Wow I just had time to read this. On Superbowl Sunday my husband spent 6 hours in the ER with me as I had passed a kidney stone and some after effects of it. The reason I love the FSOG books is it reminded me of how our marriage was in the beginning. My husband was protective, loving and we were very intimate. After 2 kids and 24 years of marriage ,it wasnt bad but as I near 50 Years of age I wanted 'MY' Christian back. I let my husband read the books and its been the best year of our marriage. We not only are more intimate but generally closer on every level. Your post brings that all home. We have so many friends who divorced within the last few years,why..they lost track of their lovestory. Well, this is why I love this site..It brings it all home. Thank you and God bless..