Chapter X ← FanFiction - Christian and Anastasia

SHOUTY CAPITALS

CHAPTER X

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I drive away from Anastasia’s apartment complex with an uneasy feeling tugging inside me. She looked forlorn. Was she unhappy about something? It’s hard to tell with her because she doesn’t communicate her feelings. Her mood switches so fast from hot to cold I can’t figure her out! (← Hot n Cold by Kathy Perry) She needs to communicate with me more. She’s so mercurial making it so hard for me to understand. Or is it my own mercurial mood reflecting on her?

I’ve had many women before, but never had to deal with any one of their moods since having full control over them. When they didn’t have to think or analyze, and accept the decisions made for them, they forego of their moods. Once she signs the contract, I can make her to be a lot more forthcoming. But I love her smart mouth. I love her the way she is. The way she looks at me, the way she talks to me with her facial expressions, and her attitude. And the way she kicked me out! No one, NO ONE had kicked me out before! Ever! It is so damn hot! If I had less control over my own feelings, I would just turn around and claim her again, but I have a meeting in the morning, and I can’t lose control.

But, why do I like her so much! When I’m not with her, my mind is completely occupied with her as if she’s in my presence. When I tried to stay away from her, tried to not have any contact with her, I was completely miserable as if an essential part of me was missing. I gave myself five days after I’ve met her, yet at every corner, I imagined her! Even after I started pursing her I tried to quit her once again, knowing who I am, knowing my own predilections. Knowing how innocent she was, I tried to protect her from myself... Yet, I find it impossible to stay away from her captivation.

When I’m not near her, I’m miserable, mean, nervous and an ogre to everyone around me. God knows I’ve tried to stay away! I tried to forget her. Yet, she kept pulling me like the moon would call the tide. And when I’m near her, she’s like the sun; both captivating with her allure and her gravity. When I see her, I want to touch her. When I even touch her fingertips, she’s captivated me and I’m nothing but a toy in her hands to do as she wishes. If she only knew! I’m tortured by knowing that she’s out there for someone else to take, because I have this horrendous fear that she may just slip away from my fingers. But if she signs the contract, it’s as if she’s giving me her word, her binding word even if it isn’t legally binding. It will show an understanding between us. The only way I understand, comprehends and know how to deal with. I know no other way. I know nothing but control. It is what I understand, what made me who I am. But here she is confining me, binding me with just one of her stares... one of her words that just laying out and clearing away all the shit. She’s both exasperating and refreshing. Both poison and antidote which I willingly take... Both pain and pleasure which I understand well... Nobody ever made me feel that way!   

Trying to stop her is like trying to contain the wind, or holding something with greased hands. This makes me afraid, because it may just make her slip off my fingers. I would die if I lost her, if I didn’t have her completely or if someone else laid a claim on her! I may feel proprietor towards her, but this is not about owning her. It’s beyond any sort of ownership. It’s merging our souls, being one entity as if never to separate again. When I see her, I see beyond her face. I see the depths of her soul. I have no one to compare her to, or what I feel for her, how fervent my desire is for her! It is not just lust, though good Lord knows it’s ever present. It’s beyond that. I feel alive! I feel like I can take on anything, tackle anything, do anything, achieve anything and yet completely helpless because she’s so damn a life force of her own! She looked like a spring breeze, but God damn it! She’s an F5 tornado in my life wreaking havoc in my already tormented soul!

I’m afraid that any little thing might harm her. Like that would-be rapist she’s allowing to call, or her boss’ brother like white on rice as if he’s ready to tackle her in isle 7 right between the electrical wires and the plumbing fixtures, or that she drinks herself senseless, or she eats a total of three bites within the course of two days! The thought of her getting hurt without my protection is driving me out of my mind! What was it that Catherine Earnshaw said about Heathcliff in the Wuthering Heights, “If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained and he were annihilated, the universe would be a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it.” I would die! Let alone being a part of a universe she didn’t exist, I wouldn’t want to be in it. I’d want to be wherever she is! What is it that makes me desire her so? Can Catherine Earnshaw tell me?

“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same. Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He’s always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but my own being.”

That’s exactly how I feel for Anastasia. She’s me, not because we’re alike, but because she’s my missing piece. The piece that makes me a whole person out of my whole fuckedup fifty shades... She is what completes me! Until she sprawled with all of her five feet seven inches of her into my life, I never knew she was what was missing out of my life. Now that I’ve seen her, now that I’ve tasted her, claimed her, made love to her, fucked her; there is no way out, no going back for me. Losing her would be beyond torture for my already tortured soul.

I wish I knew what she wanted! I wish she spoke to me, communicated with me more explicitly. Getting her talk to me is like pulling teeth out of her.  I have to use all my skills to get her communicate with me. I have to read her body language, her facial expressions, and combine it with her words, and then I try to make sense out of it, because she can be cryptic.

With the thoughts of her clouding my mind, I make my way to the Heathman Hotel. The valet is waiting ready to park the car. I toss my keys to him. I try to make my way to the elevators to get to my suit after the doorman’s greeting. I walk to the back and press the call button for the elevator. When the door dings open, I walk in, and here she is again in my mind! I close my eyes until the elevator reaches my floor, and I don’t open them until the elevator dings again.

I walk into my suite, and send a quick text to Taylor letting him know that I’m back, and he can turn in.

He types back: “Thank you sir.”

I go to the fridge and grab white wine, and pour it into a cut crystal glass. I take a sip of the cool chilled wine, savoring it. It leaves a pleasant taste as it goes down. I make my way to my laptop. I want to send her a message but without being overbearing, just showing enough interest and type Anastasia a message:

_______________________________________________

From: Christian Grey
Subject: This evening
Date: May 23 2011 23: 18
To: Anastasia Steele

Dear Miss Steele

I look forward to receiving your notes and counter offers on the contract.
Until then, good night baby.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holding Inc.

_______________________________________________

I inhale deeply and walk to the piano in the suite. I sit and start playing the “Suffocation” by Chopin. Over and over and over again... Repeatedly... Until I lose myself in the piece. (← Prelude in E-Minor-op.28 no.4 by Frederic Chopin)

I hear the ding of my e-mail message while I’m lost in the piece about fifteen minutes after I send Anastasia the message. It'd better not be her! She had better be sleeping. She has work tomorrow! She needs to keep herself healthy. I make my way to the laptop within a few easy strides. Damn it! It’s her!

_______________________________________________

From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Issues
Date: May 23 2011 00: 03
To: Christian Grey

Dear Mr. Grey

The following are my issues with the contract. I’m looking forward to discussing them in detail on Wednesday at dinner. The numbers I’ve indicated are clause #s within the contract:

2: This clause states that the fundamental purpose of the contract is to allow the Submissive (me) to explore her sensuality and limits. Huh! How is that for MY benefit? Are you in the business of solely providing pleasure to the subs? I’m quite certain that you don’t need to give me a ten page contract to achieve that end! I’m positive that this is for YOUR benefit.

4: Is this contract a generic crap you give to every sub? Because this clause says that the Dominant and the Submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious, infectious or life-threatening illness and you know the STDs in your list. Mr. Grey, are you trying to insult me here? You damn well know that you’ve been my first and only sexual partner. I don’t take drugs recreationally or otherwise, and haven’t had any blood transfusion. I’m most likely a very safe partner. What say you about yourself Mr. Grey?

8: Ok. I’m liking this one since I can terminate when I think you are not sticking to your end of the agreed limits.

9: WTF? The submissive shall serve and obey the Dominant in all things? And furthermore, you want me to accept your discipline with no qualms at all? Aha! Not liking this. We need to talk about this one.

11: This clause states that the contract shall be effective for a period of three calendar months from the Commencement date. No. One month trial period; not three.

12: You’re asking me to make myself available to the Dominant (you) from Friday evenings through Sunday afternoons every week during the term. I can’t commit to this every weekend. I have a life, or I would like to have one. Can we do three out of four?

15.2: The dominant accepts the submissive as his, to own, control, dominate and discipline during the term. He may use her body at any time, any manner he deems fit sexually or otherwise. This is my body you’re talking about. What does “or otherwise” entail?

15.5: I have a big issue with this whole discipline clause. I don’t wish, desire, want to be whipped, flogged, or corporally punished. I’m certain that this would be a breach of the clauses 2 through 5 in the contract. And what do you mean “For any other reason”? This is mean! You told me you weren’t a sadist.

15.10: This interesting clause states that the dominant shall not loan his submissive to another dominant. Oh buddy! Do you think that was even an option I would agree? But, I’m glad it’s in black and white here.

15.14: The appendix 1 has a list of “the Rules”. We’ll talk about those later.

15.19: Says that the submissive shall not touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission from the Dominant. Not without your permission? What’s wrong with doing that? You know I’m not in the habit of doing that.

15.21: Discipline – see 15.5 above.

15:22: Weird! The submissive shouldn’t look directly into the eyes of the dominant except when you instruct me? Why can’t I look into your eyes?

15:24: This one says that I shouldn’t touch you without your expressed permission. No touching? Why can’t I touch you?

Rule issues:

Sleep: I’ll agree to sleep 6 hours. No more. Food – you cannot make me eat food only from a prescribed list. This is a deal breaker. Either this rule goes, or I will. Clothes – As long as you don’t require me to wear them when I’m not with you, fine. I’ll assume they’re uniforms. Exercise – I thought we agreed to 3 hours. This contract says 4 here.

Soft limits:

We have to go through these. I don’t want any sort of fisting. What do you mean suspension? I’ve no idea what that entails. Are you kidding me when you say genital clamps? Agh!

Would you please let me know about your arrangements for Wednesday? I work till 5 p.m.

Good night.

Ana

_______________________________________________

Oh dear God! She stayed up this late to type up this long list? Why is it so long? Why does she have issues with all these? She needs to go to bed. I have the rules for her benefit, and both of our enjoyment. She shouldn’t be up; she should be in bed and sleeping already. It is in direct conflict with the contract’s rule for sleep. She needs to be up early in the morning for work. She needs to be warned!

_______________________________________________

From: Christian Grey
Subject: This evening
Date: May 23 2011 00:08
To: Anastasia Steele

Miss Steele

This is a very long list. Why haven’t you gone to bed?

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holding Inc.

_______________________________________________

Not a few minutes passed since I sent my message, and she types up another one instead of going to bed! She should really be spanked for this transgression!

_______________________________________________

From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Burning the midnight oil
Date: May 23 2011 00:11
To: Christian Grey

Dear Sir,

You may recall that as I was studying the list this evening, I was distracted and bedded by a passing control freak.

Good night.

Ana

_______________________________________________

My face grins ear to ear as my heart softens for her. She did it again! Her words just enthrall me, confound me, and bind me to her. I write her a response immediately.

_______________________________________________

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Stop burning the midnight oil
Date: May 23 2011 00:13
To: Anastasia Steele

GO TO BED ANASTASIA.

Christian Grey

CEO, & Control Freak, Grey Enterprises Holding Inc.

_______________________________________________

Take that and smoke it in your pipe Miss Steele, I say grinning ear to ear again. I should go to bed too. I have an early breakfast meeting tomorrow morning. I slowly walk into the bedroom, taking my shirt and pants off leaving only the boxers on; I go to the bathroom brush my teeth remembering Miss Steele using my toothbrush in this very place feeling her in my mouth. Her lips, her nipples her body, her sex... Damn it Anastasia! I can’t even forget you for a minute in the frigging bathroom doing a simple task like brushing my teeth!

Shaking my head I walk to my bed. I take my iPod, plugging the ear buds into my ears start listening to Puccini’s “O mio babbino caro” (← O mio babbino caro – Giacomo Puccini) 

I look at the ceiling as if it’s holding the secrets of the universe, and my attachment to Anastasia. I slowly close my eyes thinking of her.

**

I’m at the Heathman Hotel’s bar having a martini with olives. I feel her gaze on me before I see her. I slowly turn my head to lock eyes with her: Grey to blue. My breath hitches with the sight of her. She’s breathtaking. She has a black lace backless dress on, her hair elegantly lifted off and done up in an elegant bun showing her beautiful long neck. The dress barely reaches her knees. She has high heeled Christian Louboutins showing off her elegant legs. Her make-up is so light as if her face was born in her elegant color. My subconscious reminds me to breathe. I automatically get up and find my feet start walking towards her. Without a word I proffer my hand and also without a word she takes it. Both of our breathing shallow.

“I wasn’t expecting you today,” I say finally finding my voice. “But, this is the best of the surprises Anastasia!” I say my gaze piercing hers with full of passion. She nods and shyly lowers her gaze to our connected hands visibly gasping.

“Have you eaten? Would you like something to drink?” I find myself asking.

“No food,” she says as my eyes gaze at her questioning. “I might want some white wine though,” she murmurs. Her hands are shaking like leaves.

“Is something the matter?” I ask with concern. “You’re shaking like a leaf Anastasia,” my eyes examining her, trying to decipher her expression.

“Come,” I take her hand, “let’s sit,” I pull her as I motion to a waiter to get us a private table.

“I can’t stay long Christian,” she says firmly.

“But you are here, why can’t you stay?” I ask my heart racing up to my throat.

“I,...” she drifts off, looking at her hands again.

I take her to the table the waiter is leading us in a quiet corner of the restaurant. My gaze is on her. Curious, worried, anxious. Is she here to deliver a bad news?

“Anastasia?” I probe her.

“Christian, I...” she cuts off, trying to gather her thoughts to word them.

“I can’t do it... I’m sorry, but I just can’t agree to your terms. They’re too harsh. Too outside the scope of anything I have envisioned for myself. I’m not judging. It may be right for some people, but not for me! I want more... More out of my life... More out of my relationship... More...” she drifts off.

“Anastasia, I...” this time I feel speechless. “I’m not used to it. I don’t know any other way. This is the only way I know.” I’m nervous, and upset that she’s about to slip through my fingers.

“But you’re here!” I say fervently. “In this,” I make a grand gesture with my hands showing her dress that looks like as if someone poured it on her. I’d love to get my hands on her bare back, and run my fingers through her legs. But I don’t. My knuckles just sweep through her chin, and her breath hitches, eyes closing.

“Don’t Christian,” she says.

“Why?” I say fervently. “I can make you stay!”

“I know!” she says, “you can, but I have to leave. This, whatever we have here, isn’t for me. I’m going to get hurt,” she gets up to go.

“Please Ana!” is all I can say in a pleading voice! I can’t let her go! I won’t! I care so much about her. I don’t think I can do without her!

“Let me at least walk to your car,” I say. She nods.

She gives the valet her ticket, and we stand in silence while my gaze is intense on her. I want to touch her, love her, hold her, consume her, but I just stare. I take a step towards her. She backs up a step.

“Please don’t!” she says in a slow voice.

“Why not?” I demand.

“I don’t get to touch you. Why should it be any different for you?” she says in a sad forlorn voice.

“Ana... I...” I say without a way to explain what is wrong with me. “I’m fifty shades of fucked up baby! I don’t want this on you.” I say.

“I know. Maybe this is best,” she says without conviction.

“Can I kiss you at least?” I say.

She closes her eyes, fighting with her emotions, and urges.

“I can’t. Because if we do, I won’t be able to leave!” she says nearly in tears.  (← The Scientist by Cold Play)

I’m exasperated, and worried, and upset. Both my hands running through my hair. “Please Ana!” I plead in a low voice. “Don’t leave! Don’t do this! We’re so good together!”

“I can’t stay!”

“Why?!?” I say fervently, forcefully. “Why Anastasia? Why don’t you want me?”

“Because you’ll burn me. Because you scare me with your intensity, with your power, and your wealth, and I know you’ll hurt me! If not physically, emotionally!” She’s in tears and leaving; leaving me! (← Lost by Michael Buble) She walks away. Away from me!

My feet fixed on the ground unable to move an inch. She’s about to go out of my life and my friggin feet are frozen in place unable to move! Only when I am able to gather my thoughts they connect with my brain and I run after her to her car. The valet drives her car up which surprises me anew. It’s old, not road worthy, and looks like it won’t even make it out the parking lot let alone get her home. She eases into her car noticing me standing.

“Please Anastasia! Don’t go!” I say fervently. “This car doesn’t even look like it’s roadworthy! Please, let’s talk!”

“No, see, right there! How can I compete with you Christian? You have everything? You criticize my car although this is all I can afford. How can I be in your league? You’ll get tired of me like one of your new toys, and move on. I can’t have that!”

“Ana! No!” She drives away in that clunker of a car with tears streaming from her eyes. I speed dial Taylor.

“Bring the car up front ASAP!” I hang up.

I’m not losing her! I won’t! I’m the son of a crack whore... Had it not been for Dr. Grace Trevelyan-Grey who knows what would have happened to me? I’m not any better than anyone! Certainly not from Anastasia! She can’t hold my wealth against me. This is America for God’s sake! Anyone who has ambition enough can make it big! I will get her back! (← Everything by Michael Buble)

I hear the screech of the Audi SUV in the dark. Taylor swings open the passenger door.

“Let’s roll! Miss Steele just left in the clunker of a car. I want to make sure she gets home safe.” He nods without a word.

The traffic is the tail end of heavy.

“Right there! The yellow VW!” I point to Taylor. It’s about six cars ahead of us, trying to move into fast lane. What is she doing? That car couldn’t even make 50 mph, she’s pushing 80! I shouldn’t have let her leave so upset.

“Taylor, get on the HOV lane! Maybe we can catch up to her that way! She’s getting into the fast lane.” He nods and signals quickly darts three lanes and moves into the HOV lane on the freeway. She’s now about eight cars ahead of us. What is she doing pushing so hard?

We push hard, but she’s still ahead of us! How’s she doing that?

“Taylor! You can drive a tank but can’t catch up with a girl’s crappy VW?” His face goes crimson, and eyes fixed on the road, he weaves in traffic pushing hard. We finally make it back into the HOV lane, and sidle her car. I open my window, and motion her to open hers.

“Anastasia!” I say as calmly as possible. Her eyes are full of tears, I don’t know how she can see through them. “I want you to get out of the freeway baby! Right now...” I say with all my self-control and calmness. “Come on honey! We can talk... And if...” I broke off. It’s too hard to get it out of my lips. “And if you still don’t want me, then I’ll let you go... Okay?”

She doesn’t say anything. Eyes fixed on the road, cheeks strained with onslaught of her tears, she manages to nod. She slows down just a notch. She signals to get out of the freeway. I give a sigh of relief. Nod to Taylor who also signals to get out of the freeway. Anastasia makes her way to the right most lane signaling to get out of the nearest exit. As she moves into the lane, a fast coming Chevy Impala just plows into her! Ana’s old VW spins three times before coming to a stop in the right lane shoulder. The freeway traffic comes to a halt. Everything is surreal! My heart is in my mouth, my hands are shaking, and my face is full of fury; to whom I don’t know! Maybe the whole world! Maybe the universe for screwing my life up many times over! Taylor speeds in front of Ana’s car. I rush out before he comes to a stop, and run to Anastasia’s car. She’s slumped over the steering wheel, blood gushing out of her temple. She’s motionless. My heart stops! The car door is jammed, and I can’t open it.

“Taylor! Give me a hand!” He grabs the wrench from the trunk and smashes the passenger window. Doubles his jacket and rips off the door of its hinges! I shove him out of the way, and pull Ana’s lifeless body out of the car. Shaking, crying.

“Baby, why? Why do you leave me Ana?” Rocking back and forth, Anastasia in my arms. My white shirt soaked with her blood, but I don’t care. I don’t want to be where she isn’t. (← Without You – soundtrack from the Wuthering Heights)

“Fuck man! I didn’t know she was gonna jump in front of me!” says a half drunk voice. Then his voice changes to a familiarly disgusting tone:

“Oh! It’s you little shit! When will you stop crying whore’s brat! I’m sick of you!” I hold my gaze up to look at this man, and it’s him! The crack whore’s pimp!

“I hope to God that she leaves you on the street in the cold, so I don’t have to deal with a crying wimp like you little jerk wad!”

My mind is confused, and angry! I want to kill that man who killed the only woman I loved!

Taylor’s face changes, and fast like a striking cobra he raises his elbow, and jumps up landing on the crack whore’s pimp striking him as hard as possible, and punches him repeatedly while I’m numb on the shoulder of the freeway with my blood soaked Anastasia sobbing uncontrollably!

My tears are flowing down and diluting Anastasia’s blood on her face. The paramedics come and try to take her away from me again. I won’t give her!

“Sir! You have to let her go!” Taylor pleads, “Sir, please!”

“She’s dead Taylor! She’s dead and it’s all my fault! The crack whore’s pimp killed my Ana!”

I sob and sob... And eventually my own cries wake me up. I'm in my suite at Heathman Hotel. I close my eyes with a sigh of relief. It was a nightmare. Oh God! I'm out of breath, tears streaming, my nose is running.

“Thank God! Thank God! Thank God! It was a nightmare!” It’s 4:40 a.m. on the clock. And I don’t want to go back to sleep. This is yet the worst nightmare I ever had. I have to call John, so I can talk to him over the phone at least. Oh hell! I’ll give him tonight. I’ll have to do it after my meeting.

I sit up in bed, my head in my hands and Heathcliff’s words come pouring down my mind after he waits all night for the news of Catherine Earnshaw’s well-being, finally finding her dead. When he holds her dead body he cries out in agony:

"'And I pray one prayer--I repeat it till my tongue stiffens--Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest as long as I am living; you said I killed you--haunt me, then! The murdered DO haunt their murderers, I believe. I know that ghosts HAVE wandered on earth. Be with me always--take any form--drive me mad! Only DO not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! It is unutterable! I CANNOT live without my life! I CANNOT live without my soul!'" (←Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights)

I don’t want any harm to come to Anastasia, but, like Heathcliff, I cannot live without my soul. She gives me my humanity back, she gives me my soul. Oh, Anastasia! What are you doing to me? What can I do to keep you, to keep you safe, keep you mine? My heart aches every time I think of her. My soul yearns for her. My mind is always clouded with thought of her as if a time before Anastasia didn’t exist. As if I was a lost planet and found my sun. As if we belong together. Yes, we belong together. Always. (← The Lion Fell in Love with the Lamb  by Carter Burwell)

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