BOOK II - CHAPTER XVI - Christian and Anastasia FanFiction

I LOVE THEE TO THE DEPTH AND BREADTH AND HEIGHT MY SOUL CAN REACH

CHAPTER XVI

The small apartment is full of smoke. Choking me. My eyes are watered, and I cough. I make fists of my little hands and rub my eyes hard. This just hurts my eyes even more. He’s still sitting at the table with mismatched chairs. He puffs a lungful of smoke into the air, making his lips into a small pipe, and pushing the smoke out at a leisurely pace. The cigarette smoke rushes out and makes a small cloud above him. He is holding the cigarette butt in his hand looking around. He flicks the ashes onto the kitchen floor where he has been smoking.

“There is no fucking ashtray in this fucking dump!” he yells at my mother. I’m scared, but I pretend to play with my little car on the floor. Its wheels are missing and the paint is scratched.

“Vroom! Vroom!” I pretend driving it.



“Shut the fuck up you little shit!” he yells. I look scared, and yell “mommy!” But his big hand grabs my arms and my feet leave the floor. I drop my car, and it scatters across the floor and hits the dirty cabinet and stops.

“I’m sick of this brat! You had to get knocked up and have this shit!” he says and yanks my shirt open, and presses the cigarette butt on my tummy! I scream with hurt. I scream for mommy to help.

“Mommy! Mommy! Help!”

But mommy just stares. She won’t come, and she won’t help. She’s frozen in her place with panic in her eyes. She’s scared of the man. She takes a step, but yells at her.

“Sit your ass down before I put your under my feet! Do you want to be fucked in front of your kid?” Mommy stops. She doesn’t say anything. She sits down. Mommy won’t help me. I scream with pain.

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” he yells with his yellow teeth bared. I’m hurt. He presses the cigarette butt harder on my tummy. It makes a hissing sound. It’s burning me! I try to push his hand away with my hands, and keep screaming. But he holds both my hands and slaps my face. I cry harder.

“No! No! Mommy, help!” But mommy doesn’t come. She is just sitting, her head down. She covers her ears. He tosses me onto the dirty green carpet. I curl and hold my tummy. It burns, mommy! It burns.

“He’s still fucking screaming! Christ! Shut your fucking brat up!” He walks over me and kicks me with his boot! The last thing I see is a dirty piece of gum at the bottom is his big boot hitting my already hurt tummy. I cry out with pain! Don’t hurt me anymore! He whips his belt out. Reaches down to the floor. Picks me up by my leg, and tosses me onto the sofa next to mommy. Pulls my shorts down. When the belt hits my behind and I scream, hard!

“Christian! Christian! Wake up!” Someone shakes me. I open my eyes bewildered, scared. My entire body tense, my eyes vacant, my mind is still trying reel in from nightmare and my throat is dry and hoarse from screaming. My hands dart around the bed, and come up empty. For a minute I’m scared to my core finding Anastasia absent from our bed. My breathing is rough; my eyes quickly scan around the room that is devoid of her presence, until I find her by the bed.



“You left!” I accuse her, half mumbling, “you left, you must have left,” I say with wide eyes, scared still. Her eyes take a worried look. She reaches out to me. “I’m here,” she whispers trying to reassure me. Her hand reaches out to my faces caressing, soothing, and trying to calm me down.

My breathing is still erratic from the horrible nightmare. “You were, gone,” I whisper hoarsely, still frightened.

“I only went to get something to drink; I was quite thirsty,” she says. After having that horrible, ever replaying nightmare, and finding her gone, and thinking she left me for good, I find myself feeling so vacant and abandoned. Seeing her relieves me just a fraction. “You’re here. Oh, thank God,” give a sigh of relief. I instantly pull her to me and put her down on the bed holding onto her tight as if she would fly away.  

“I only went to get a drink Christian,” she whispers in a soothing voice. But my heart won’t calm down. It’s beating hard, trying to run out of my body... Lub dub... Lub dub... Lub dub... Beating hard! White Horse... Red Horse... Black Horse... Pale Horse... White, red, black, pale.... I can’t soothe my heart beating crazy fast, running like the four horsemen as the ominous bringer of the apocalypse. I hug Anastasia closer. Closer still. I look at her face, examine it. Making sure that she wasn’t intending to run. Away from me. From us. I can’t take it. She sees my fear in my frightened eyes, and starts rhythmically stroking my hair, and my cheek. My breathing is still harsh, still scared, and the illuminating light in the room won’t chase the darkness away covering my desolate soul like tar.

“Please Christian, I’m right here. I’m not going away... I’m not going anywhere,” she whispers in a soothing tone over and over again until it seeps through the crack within my soul.

“Oh, Ana,” I breathe hoarsely with finally the realization of her presence here with me washes over me, and all of a sudden I want to feel her closer. I grasp her chin and hold Anastasia in place and cover her lips with mine, kissing her deep and hard; in an all-consuming kiss. I want to feel her presence; I want to feel all of her. My lips trail to her ear and her throat, and back to her lips, nipping, and pulling them apart with my teeth. My hands travel all over her body. I put my hands under the my t-shirt she’s wearing and pushing it upwards reaching up to her breast, caressing and pinching her nipples making her moan. My other hand moves to her hips and her torso feeling the contours of her body. She’s writhing in equal passion and pulling me to her, moaning in pleasure.

I need her. I need to feel her. I need to know, I need to feel that she’s with me, and she wants me. The desire I have for her is immeasurable.

“I want you,” I breathe into her mouth between kisses.



“I’m here for you Christian. Only for you baby,” she says, and her words are my undoing, going to my heart, and traveling to my soul, easing the ache that has been occupying me since last night, making me groan with pain and need and desperation. She grabs the hem of my t-shirt, and yanks it; I pull it off for her and toss it to a corner of the room. I want her naked: I want nothing between us. I kneel between her legs and pull her to a sitting position and yank her t-shirt off and toss it away. I want her with an intensity I never felt before. It is laced with want and desire, and love, but it’s not only sexual; it’s a primal need. I must feel her, to feel like whole person again. I don’t want to feel as if a part of me is missing. She completes me... I need this connection. I need it more than anything right now. My hands reach out to her face, and as I cup them, I start kissing her exposing my need to her. We both sink into the bed, Anastasia under me, as I lie on top of her. My thigh is between hers, and my ever growing erection is pushing through my boxers into her, wanting her; wanting to claim her. This is different than any other time. This is an affirmation of my love for her, but also requesting her to affirm her love to me.

After all that shit we’ve been through together, I need to have her love to be reaffirmed to me. My hands are all over her, and my lips are going to her face and neck and back to her lips. Trying to consume her mouth, my tongue darts into hers. She goes limp under me. I instantly feel her going rigid, distant, and cold. Oh no!

“Christian, stop please!” she whispers into my mouth. No baby, no, please! “Stop! I can’t do this, Christian,” she says pushing me away. Away from her. She’s never done this before! She doesn’t want me! It kills me inside that she may not desire me anymore; even if it is just this moment.

“What? Ana, no... What’s wrong?” I murmur without stopping. I continue to kiss her neck and trail my tongue down to her throat with the lightest of touches, just the way she likes it, and normally she responds wildly. But’ it’s not doing it for her... No! Please! Baby! Don’t deny me!

“No Christian, please. I can’t do this... I just can’t, not now. Give me some time... I need some time please,” she pleads still pushing me away. I know it’s all that fucked up shit I dished out before her. My birth mother, and brown haired girls, Leila, me going 50 on her...

“Please baby, don’t overthink this,” I whisper to her ear, without breaking the connection. If I stop, I’ll go crazy with the intensity of my need for her. I slightly suck on her earlobe, knowing it has a hotline to her libido. “Ah!” she groans. Thank God! Her body is attuned to mine and connected with me stronger than its connection with her mind. Her body wants me, though her mind says ‘no’. She lifts up her hips to me while her hands are pushing me away.

“I’m just the same Ana. All I know is that I love you and I need you desperately. Touch me... Please, Ana,” I beg her knowing she can’t resist touching me. I have to give that to her; I need this connection to feel... Just to be able to feel again. I don’t want to feel numb; that’s what I’ll be without her. Numb, unable to feel, inside and out. I hover over her, gazing at her to give me permission to love her, to hold her. I want her to want me. Is this too much to ask? The thought of Anastasia not wanting me is excruciating. Its gut wrenching. My eyes betray my worry. I know that she always wanted to touch me. Even though the nightmare is new, the pain of being touched, the fear is rearing its ugly head inside me; I want to do this for her. She reaches up with her hand hesitantly. She gently places her hand over my chest hair. I gasp as if she’s holding a handful of ember in her palm searing me. I close my eyes with the renewed sense of fear. It’s just haphephobia; just the fear of being touched. This is Ana... This is Ana... This is my Ana... I keep reminding myself in my head, trying to keep the fear at bay. Her hand is touching me all over, moving up to my shoulder without losing connection with my skin. I can barely breathe. My body shakes and trembles with her touch. I don’t know if it’s mostly pain or a little pleasure. Her hands move over my shoulder blades, and travel without breaking the connection. I moan... I strangled pain pleasure sound like I never had before.

I have to have her, overcome this fear. This is Ana! My head dips down to her neck; my lips get to work sucking and kissing, and nipping, and lightly biting, trailing up and down her neck, her chin, caressing her lips, nose, and back to her luscious lips again. My lips cover hers in a possessive way, demanding passage, demanding reciprocation. My tongue darts into her mouth possessing and exploring, claiming her anew as my hands are trailing, and wanting to possess of all of her body. They trail her sides, trailing up to her breasts. Right then, I want to have her nipples in my mouth, smell her skin, and let her intoxicate me body and soul. My mouth travels down to her sternum, and my lips travel over the soft curve of her breast slowly nipping, and sucking and victory. I reach the peak of her perky breast. As I consume her nipple in my mouth, my touch manipulates and fellates her nipple while my thumb and index finger captures the other one, rubbing and elongating it expertly. I want Anastasia to distract me from my fears, influence me, show me the way out of my misery, and lead me to light... her brand of light, and tell me she loves me; really truly love me, with all my fucked up shades.

Anastasia’s hands travel to my back, memorizing the shape of my muscles, constantly moving, pulling me in, touching and drinking with an insatiable thirst. Her hands are all over the place on my back and chest, and shoulders. This is the first time ever, someone touched me like this... I couldn’t bear it before. This was never a possibility for me; yet with Anastasia, everything is possible. She’s my more... She’s my hope, she’s my lover, and she’s my woman all the way! The thought of it gives me an even greater possessive feeling, and my lips clamp tighter over her other nipple, sucking, and pulling it. Anastasia’s body lifts up to meet mine, and merge as her fingers start trailing, and her fingernails start digging into my back making me gasp and moan with pain laced with fear, and unbearable pleasure; for the intensity of it is new and indescribable.  

“Fuck, oh, fuck! Ana!” I groan; all the emotions coursing through me chokes me in half cry in agony and half moan in pleasure. She’s panting in response to my groans, and our breathing is synchronized; matching, competing in desire. I move my hand down to her navel, and lower to her sex, caressing, and my fingers enter into her; the sensation is overwhelming, making me groan. My fingers move in circular motion inside her, and her pelvis meets up with my hand making my palm flush against her sex, my fingers are knuckle deep. She wants me, and I have to have her. I sit up right away, and divest myself of my boxers and I turn to Anastasia seeking her permission. I pick up a condom packet, and as I hand it to Anastasia, I’m seeking her approval. “Do you want to do this Ana?” I breathe. “Do you baby?” I seek her face. “You know you can still say no... You can always say no,” I tell her reminding her that she is the one with all the power.

She looks up at me, still desire coursing through her blazing eyes, possibly matching the intensity of mine. “Christian, don’t give me a chance to think; I just want you,” she says as she rips open the packet and with shaky hands she tries to roll it onto my length, overcome with emotion. The feelings and desire I have for her are brimming over the meniscus and the touch of her trembling hands adds to it, making the desire overflow. “Steady, Anastasia. You are going to unman me,” I breathe. My hands go over hers, and connection adds to each other’s strength. I hold onto her and roll us over and she is on top of me. I’m letting her take control; letting her know that she owns me as much I own her.

“You ... take me,” I whisper hoarsely with all the intensity of my desire. As I hold onto her hips, she takes charge, and slowly and leisurely buries me inside her sex, and the feeling, the connection is overwhelming, satisfying, and soothing all at the same time. She leans down and kisses me; I close my eyes reveling in the feeling of her. She runs her teeth along my jaw, feeling my day old stubble, letting me graze her lips. I love her so... “Ana,” I breathe. “Touch me... Please,” I beg. I need this connection. At a deeper level, I have been craving, yearning for her hands on me, but the fears, my personal soul wrenching torment has always stopped me. Anastasia just leans forward and touches me full on.

The feeling is torturous, but I have to have it! It’s both my poison and my antidote. It hurts, but it heals. It builds my endurance. A whimper escapes my lips, “Ahhh,” as she runs her fingernails down my chest, and I thrust inside her deeper. I have to have control; I have to feel control! The fear and pain is overwhelming. I quickly twist, and get Anastasia under me, and I’m straddling her, and feeling in control once again, but her hands are still connected to my chest. I’m at the brink of my endurance, and I have to have her stop touching me. My fears are brewing into a torrent, and I’m at the brink of a sob escaping my lips. I can’t safeword Anastasia! We’re lovers. Lovers don’t safeword each other, I remind myself.



“Enough please, Ana,” I plead moaning. “No more, please,” I beg finally the dam breaking and tears start rolling silently on their own volition. Anastasia reaches up to my face and softly caresses my cheeks, absently wiping away the tears. Her hands pull my face down and she meets my lips half way, kissing me; her hands travel to my back. The pleasure pain is back, but it’s bearable. I groan and moan, and move inside her forcefully. Pushing, gyrating, but she won’t meet me, she won’t let go. She’s getting too wrapped up in her worries again, and I need this release. She has to be with me.



“Let go Ana,” I coax her.

“No!” she says still upset, drifting away. It’s a battle of wills.

“Yes!” I growl in a deep guttural voice. She’s mentally blocking herself, and she won’t let go. She can’t find her release.

“Let go!” I urge. She’s clinging, and her face betrays her; worry, apprehension, reservations from last night all muddle her gaze.

“It’s just me baby... Come on; I need this. Give it to me!” I urge as I shift, and rotate my hips slightly, and gyrate and thrust, and her body finally syncs with mine, and she reaches her climax; her inner muscles contracting around my length, squeezing me, urging me to my climax, and I come loud calling out her names like a battle cry...as we both win something over our minds. I collapse on top of her with my full weight burying her deeper into the mattress and we remain wrapped around each other, and clinging like a static shirt to a body as aftershocks and tremors coursing through and into each other with our connection.

I feel sated, and worry momentarily leaving me as I lie in Anastasia arms wrapped around me, cradling, and babying me. She rubs my hair soothingly and loving. Her cheeks are flushed; she’s practically glowing, and seeing her like this eases my breathing, and calms my heart down. As I lie on her chest, “Don’t ever leave me,” I whisper. I feel her neck stretching back involuntarily. She only rolls her head back when she rolls her eyes at me. I smile at her reaction. “I’m fully aware that you’re rolling your eyes at me,” I murmur.

She’s surprised momentarily, but whispers back in wonder, “You know me very well, Christian.”

“I would like to know you better baby.”

“Right back at ya Grey,” she says. Then asks curiously, “What was your nightmare about that jumped you out of your skin?”

I breathe out as if to expel toxic air out of my body.

“It’s the usual nightmare,” I whisper.

“Which is what? Tell me,” she probes.

Should I tell her? It’s not that I don’t want Anastasia to know more of me. God knows that I’ve told her the worst. But this...this fucking nightmare still hurts me. Still feels real. But I can’t let it win. I can’t let the pimp win after so many years. I can’t let him have this hold of me...I’m not that child anymore, not helpless, yet I feel so helpless. Am I not the master of my own universe? So many people’s livelihood depends on me, yet a worthless man who abused me still gets to plague my nights with horror. I swallow and decide to expel this poison once and for all. But my body tenses, and I sigh, long and hard.

“In that dream I was about three years old, and the crack whore’s pimp is there in the apartment, mad as hell again. Then again he seems to be mad at something all the time. He’s chain smoking, one after another. The room is clouded with smoke, hard to see around. But oddly I remember that he can’t find an ashtray.” The hell fire is burning within me, but my body chills considerably. Anastasia’s breathing halts as she feels the shift in my body’s response to the nightmare. I close my eyes remembering the pain, the burn, the way I screamed, and tried to put out the searing, branding, and not being able to. Not getting any help from the crack whore, who only sits there with a bewildered gaze. She won’t comfort me, her own child, or pick me up, just stares with scared eyes. I can’t word the thought. It’s too painful.

“I remember the pain. It hurt a lot. The pain and the fact that she didn’t do anything to stop him; that’s what my nightmares are about,” I reiterate bitterly.

Anastasia automatically tightens her hold on me, trying to reassure me, and wraps around me; her legs tangles around mine and her arms are holding me protectively. I feel her throat moving, trying to swallow. She stifles a soft choke. I know what blocked Anastasia was my revelation from last night. That’s why Anastasia was unable to find her release. She thought I saw her like I did the crack whore. But that’s not true. Anastasia is nothing like her. I never depended on the crack whore. But Anastasia is my lifeline. I can’t exist without her. I even survived a childhood without the crack whore. Ana is my whole world. I hold my head and look up to Anastasia, and gaze into her blue eyes with all my intensity. “Anastasia, you’re not like her. Don’t you think that, Ana! Please! You’re my life,” I plead with her.

She finally reels back from her thoughts, blinking. I want to show her that she can trust me, and that I’m open with her. I feel a sudden relief having explained what I’ve never told another living soul except for Dr. Flynn. “Sometimes what plagues my nightmares is the last image I have of her. She’s just lying on the floor. I think that she’s sleeping. But she never moves; just motionless. And the intense hunger. I’m just very hungry. There is no food left. Then I hear a very loud noise at the door. I know he’s come back. He gets angry at finding her there like that, and hits me very hard...” I say remembering. I remember him hitting me and kicking me around again. I close my eyes and the memories flood. I fling my eyes open not willing to let the horrendous memories plague me. “Then he’s cursing the crack whore for being dead.” I shake my head. “His initial reaction was always to use his fist or his belt,” I say cursing under my breath.

“Is this why you don’t like to be touched?” asks Anastasia softly. One of the many reasons. I can only close my eyes, and hold her tighter to chase the images away from my head. Her presence always chases them away. “That’s too complicated to explain,” I say. How could you explain the feeling of worthlessness? How could you explain the starvation of love? How could I tell her how I try to fill the void and it’s a black hole always sucking and it’s.just.never.enough! Looking for your reckoning just for existing! Nothing is enough, and nothing sates you... When you feel worthless, no love penetrates you even if they pour it at you by the galloons. It’s like taping sandwiches all over your body, and its abundance would make no difference when it doesn’t go where it’s needed. I don’t know how Anastasia got under all that worthlessness, and raised me up. I can’t talk about all this shit! Just too overwhelming. I try to distract Anastasia from her Spanish inquisition. I nuzzle her between her breasts, and inhale her womanly scent... soap, outdoor, and Anastasia’s personal intoxicating scent.

But, Anastasia is too alert, and for once, she won’t be distracted. Her hands dart into my hair, and softly rub and her index finger goes under my chin lifting my chin up to look at her eyes.

“Tell me,” she coaxes me. The inquisitor is back. I sigh and give up, because Anastasia is nothing if she isn’t persistent. “My birth mother didn’t love me; I didn’t love me. I didn’t know any gentle touch. The only kind of touch I was closely familiar with was...hard, rough, and harsh. That’s the root of it. John,” I say, and then amend myself, “Dr. Flynn can explain it better than I can,” I tell her.

Anastasia’s eyes brighten momentarily as if she had an epiphany. “Can I see Dr. Flynn?” she asks.

I shift my head to scrutinize her expression better. “Is my fifty shades of fuckeduppedness rubbing off on you?”

She mock groans, “Tell me about it... That, and then some. But, right now, I like how it’s rubbing off at me,” she says wiggling under me with her bare naked body, making me groan. I breathe out to slow the desire. “I like that too, Anastasia,” I smile salaciously, and my eyes darken with love and desire brimming right under the surface. My lips reach up at hers and kiss her slowly. Tasting her, and savoring her. I kiss the contours of her lips and her jaw, her cheeks and the corners of her eyes; I can’t get enough of her.

“Do you know how precious, how important you are to me Anastasia? I don’t even know how to word the feelings. I am serious about marrying you. I want to get to know you better, but we can do that after we get married. I want to take care of you; look after you, and you can look after me, care for me,” I say looking at her hopeful. “We can have kids, Ana! I will lay my entire world at your feet, before you. I want you body and soul, for the rest of my life. Please think about it, Ana,” I plead with her. She shakes her head.

“Ok, Christian, I will think about it. But if it’s okay with you, I’d like to speak with Dr. Flynn,” she asks raising her eyebrows.

“Anything for you, baby. Anything you want. When would you like to see him?”

“Sooner rather than later,” she says.

“Ok, baby, I’ll call and make the appointment first thing in the morning. But, right now, it’s quite late. Let’s just get a little more sleep. It’s nearly four o’clock in morning,” I say turning off the light on the side table. I spoon her, and tighten my hold on her, nothing between us. Skin to skin. I nuzzle her neck and whisper, “I love Anastasia Steele, and I want you by my side, always,” I whisper into her neck, kissing her, “go to sleep baby,” I whisper.

I feel Anastasia shifting in my arms, as if she’s getting ready to leave my embrace. “Stay, baby,” I mumble, my words garbled with sleep. The next thing I know she’s darting out of my arms like a shot out of a gun leaving them bereft. “Oh shit! Oh shit!” she mumbles. I’m amused with her nervousness of being late. I hear her turn the shower on, and dash in a hurry.

I grab the phone by our bed, and press two numbers. Taylor answers after the first ring.

“Yes, Mr. Grey,” he answers.

“Taylor, Miss Steele is running late this morning. I need you to drive her to SIP. She’s getting ready right now. I think it’d be best if you waited downstairs.”

“Yes, sir,” he replies and I hang up. I can still try to convince Anastasia to stay today. I don’t even feel like working today. Anastasia comes out half dripping with water under five minutes. I sit up in bed watching her amused. I’m a little weary as well... What if she changes her mind after sleeping over what had transpired last night and the weight of that realizations pulls her away from me? She’s wearing all black today. Black lacy bra and black lacy boy shorts.  Then she puts her black slacks and a black shirt on. Damn! She looks hot! How I would love to peel what she just put on!

“You look great, baby...” I say mischievously. “You know, you can always call in sick,” I breathe trying to entice her to come back to bed giving her my best smile.

She groans. “No, I can’t today, Christian. I’m not a megalomaniac CEO with a gorgeous smile who can come and go as he pleases,” she tries to chide me.

“I like the idea. I like to come as I please,” I say smiling. Come on, baby, get back to bed. “Christian!” she scolds me throwing her towel at me, in that teasing way.

“You think I have a beautiful smile?”

“Yes you do. I know you’re well aware of the effect you have on me,” she says looking at me pointedly, and then puts on her watch.

“Do I?” I ask her all too innocent.

“Oh heaven’s sake!” she scolds me narrowing her eyes. “Of course you do; it’s the same effect you have on every other women. It gets exhausting watching them all swoon,” she says jealously. Oh baby, you’re turning me on!

“Does it?” I ask feigning innocence, but I can’t hide the mischief from my voice.

“Stop playing innocent Mr. Grey. It really doesn’t suit you,” she scolds fixing her hair into a ponytail. She leans down to kiss me, and desire still coursing through me, I grab Anastasia and pull her under me.

“Please stay, baby,” I murmur. She shakes her head. “What can I do to tempt you?” I inhale her scent, and run my nose along her jaw. I feel her heartbeat increasing.

“You can’t. Now let me go,” she says, struggling to get back up to her feet. Exasperating woman! I pout like a toddler who didn’t get his way. I now know the effect it has on her. She immediately smiles, and runs her fingers over my lips. Her gaze has nothing but love in it. She leans up and kisses me. Argh! I groan, and grab her and kiss her long and hard and possessively. Then lift her up to her feet.

“Alright, you stubborn woman,” I say to her gazing. “Taylor will drive you to work. It’s much faster than you trying to rush and find a place to park. He’s waiting for you outside the building.”

“Okay. Thank you,” she says disappointed.

“Alright Mr. Grey, enjoy your lazy morning. I wish I could stay, but the man who owns the company I work for wouldn’t approve his staff ditching work just for some hot sex,” she says before she’s on her way out.

“Oh, Miss Steele, how wrong you are. I believe he would approve. In fact, he would insist on you staying home just for that purpose.” She narrows her eyes on me.

“Why are you still in bed? It’s unlike you,” she says confused. I grin ear to ear. With a lazy gesture, I fold my hands under my head, I say, “Because I can Miss Steele.”

She shakes her head at me, and blows me a kiss, saying, “Laters baby!”

When Anastasia leaves, I feel empty all of a sudden like she took the air with her. I don’t like the feeling of desolation. I get up make my way to the shower. I quickly wash myself, and dress in my pants, and white shirt. I run my hands through my hair, and that should do it. When I make my way out to the kitchen, Mrs. Jones is already fixing my breakfast.

“Your usual Mr. Grey?” she asks.

“Yes, Mrs. Jones, good morning,” I say.

She takes a second look at my easy demeanor, and I swear she gives a sigh of relief. Much different than the tight ass demeanor I was presenting last night. I think I scared the shit out of her. When Anastasia left me the first time, I was unable to function. But last night, I was hell on wheels. How would I be this morning if Anastasia was gone? I shudder as if I have the chills. I don’t even want to go there mentally. The emptiness is utterly lonely. I love her! That’s a plain as the nose on my face kind of fact. Everyone knew it before I was able to voice it to her. But she’s so tiringly stubborn which reminds me, I have to remind her once again to use her Blackberry for e-mails. I take my Blackberry out and type Anastasia a message.

_______________________________________________

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Missing you
Date: June 15, 2011 09:04
To: Anastasia Steele

Please use your Blackberry Ana.

X

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_______________________________________________

I press ‘send’ and as the e-mail to Anastasia’s work leaves, I type another message to her private e-mail in her Blackberry. As I’m finishing my breakfast, and typing up the new message to her, Taylor comes back.

_______________________________________________

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Missing you
Date: June 15, 2011 09:05
To: Anastasia Steele

Anastasia, my bed is too big and too lonely without you. Looks like I have to go to work after all. Even the megalomaniac CEOs need something to do.

Christian Grey

Twiddling his thumbs CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_______________________________________________

“Did Anastasia make it to work on time?”

“She was fifteen minutes late, only because we left here at 0900,” says Taylor. Taylor and his military time! I nod in response.

“Give me a few minutes, and then you can drive me to GEH.”

“Yes, sir,” responds Taylor.

As Taylor is driving me to GEH, I call Dr. Flynn.

“Christian, how can I help you?” he answers the phone.

“Morning John. Anastasia would like to see you. The sooner you can see her, the better.”

“Really?” replies Dr. Flynn completely surprised.

“Why would that surprise you?”

“Well, she jokingly said I was an overpaid charlatan. Though I think she half believed in it, too. Is it because of last night?”

I close my eyes, and sigh. “Yes.”

“How did she take it?” he asks.

“She didn’t.”

“I...” I trail off having a hard time wording my thoughts. “I really thought she was going to leave me, John. I was...” I exhale loudly. “But she didn’t... Though she had a shit of a time. Totally devastated, and hurt. I told her the truth about myself.”

“Which truth would that be?” says John in his stern Doctor voice.

“You know what it is John. That I’m a sadist.”



“Christian, you’re not a sadist! We’ve been over this many times. You always see the worst in yourself. You never give credit to how much you’ve changed in such a short time. You needed someone to break your walls that you’ve erected as a very young child. That was your coping mechanism. If you formed no attachments, then you would not feel abandoned when those attachments were broken. Some of my colleagues have a simple equation for that. Expectations – Reality = Disappointment. I believe you were trying to balance that equation by not expecting anything. As a result you wouldn’t feel disappointment of any letdowns. But that of course have other negative consequences in one’s psyche. Sometimes we must feel disappointed. They’re not all bad. The storms in one’s life are what clean up your personal deck. No man is an island my friend.” That makes me smile.

“That’s what Anastasia says all the time... the island thing.”

“One more thing.”

“Yes, I’m listening.”

“Are you sitting down? You’re not driving or anything, are you? Not eating anything?”

“I shall sit down momentarily. I gather you have some news of importance.”

“Yes. Here it goes. I asked Anastasia to marry me!” And Taylor swerves off to the shoulder, and immediately gathering himself takes back control of the SUV again.

“What the? Taylor!”

“I’m sorry Mr. Grey,” apologizes. Clears his throat, and he’s flushes crimson all the way to his ears and he fixes his eyes on the road unable to even move his head to meet my gaze in the rearview mirror. My news took Taylor by surprise, and I slowly go back to my conversation on the phone with Dr. Flynn again.

“Christian, are you alright?” Dr. Flynn asks anxiously.

“Yes, we’re fine. It was nothing,” I say icily gazing into the back of Taylor’s head who is studiously ignoring me, blushing more.

“What was Anastasia’s answer?” asks Flynn with a barely contained curiosity.

“She’s hasn’t given me an answer yet. She said she will give her consideration. I think this may be why she wants to see you.”

“I see. In that case, I shall see her soon. How does tomorrow evening sound to you?”

“That sounds great. Oh, by the way, how was Leila?”

“She was resting last night, and she will go through some psychiatric evaluations today. I have a brilliant colleague working with her, but I will check with her at all times, and collaborate with the other psychiatrists. She will get there, but it will take time. I will keep you updated, Christian.”

“Thank you,” I say ready to hang up.

“And, Christian?”

“Yes?”

“Have a little faith in yourself.”

“Is that your professional opinion?”

“Yes and an advice from a friend.”

“Fifty shades, John. You know, it ain’t easy.”

“Remember, focus on the solution. Focus on your goals, what you want to achieve, where you want to see yourself. The problems of the past will be just that. Past.” I feel my Blackberry vibrating in my hand as I’m speaking to Dr. Flynn announcing an incoming e-mail.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I say and hang up anxious to find out who sent me the message hoping its Anastasia.  Taylor pulls into the GEH’s underground garage.

_______________________________________________

From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: It’s alright for some
Date: June 15, 2011 09:26
To: Christian Grey

My boss is mad at me, and I blame you for keeping me up late with your shenanigans.

You should be ashamed of yourself Mr. Grey.

Anastasia Steele

Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP

_______________________________________________

I loved the shenanigans we’ve dabbled in. I can’t help but respond to her in kind. And besides, why did she even go to work this morning? I begged her not to go. The fucker of a boss she has is now giving her a hard time. With a smile I exit the SUV as soon as Taylor drops me in front of the elevators, and type her a message on my way up to my office.

_______________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: shenani-whatagans?
Date: June 15, 2011 09:31

You don’t really have to work Anastasia. You have no idea how outraged I am at my shenanigans. However, I like keeping you up late ;) But, please use your Blackberry to write me.

Oh, and please marry me.

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_______________________________________________

Why do I feel so giddy? So much like a teenager... so immature, so unlike me. Her responding message dings shortly after. The elevator yanks me up along with four other passengers, but I’m too focused on what is inside my Blackberry; reading her message, and devouring it than who is around me.

_______________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: have a living to make
Date: June 15, 2011 09:34
To: Christian Grey

Mr. Grey, I know that your natural inclination is toward nagging, but please stop. I need to talk to your shrink. I shall give you my answer only then. In the meantime, I’m not opposed to living in sin.

Anastasia Steele

Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP
_______________________________________________

What the fuck? She’s using the SIP e-mail and talking about private things knowing full well that the messages are stores in the company e-mail servers. Why is so fucking disobedient? I reply her immediately. My mood changes. As I exit the elevator, and walk into my spacious office through the double door both Olivia the intern and Andrea jump to their feet. But I think Olivia’s job description requires her to jump. God! I’ve never seen that girl, not jump! She’s always skittish. I wonder why. Can’t she sit still? It’s like she’s sitting on a handful of thumbtacks, for God’s sake! Relax a little.

“Mr. Grey,” Andrea says, scooping up the daily appointments in her iPad after me.

“Not now, Andrea” I say.  That stops Andrea in her tracks. I continue to type Anastasia a message.

_______________________________________________

From: Christian Grey
Subject: BLACKBERRY
Date: June 15, 2011 09:39
To: Anastasia Steele

Anastasia – if you are going to discuss Dr. Flynn in your messages, then you must USE YOUR BLACKBERRY.

This is not a request.

Christian Grey

Now pissed CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

_______________________________________________

No response comes from her. Good, she’s got the message, and knows I’m pissed. Five minute passes, and still no response. Is she mad at me for using shouty capitals as she calls them? I let her be, but not without the rising fear in me. She doesn’t answer me. Maybe she stepped away. I type a message to her private e-mail in her Blackberry.

_______________________________________________

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Discretion
Date: June 15, 2011 09:39
To: Anastasia Steele

Is the better part of valor, Anastasia. Please use your discretion... I keep telling you that your work e-mails are monitored.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU OF THAT? Yes, I’m using shouty capitals as you would call them. USE YOUR BLACKBERRY.

I forgot to tell you; Dr. Flynn can see us tomorrow evening.

X

Christian Grey

Still pissed CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_______________________________________________

I press the intercom.

“Andrea?”

"Yes, Mr. Grey,”

“Bring in the schedule.

“Right away sir,” responds Andrea.

A few minutes later Andrea is in the room. She’s one of the few people who can handle my moods at work. One is Ros, and Andrea is a close second. But then, this is why I pay her mega bucks, because she can handle what I dish out professionally, and calmly. Olivia, the intern, not so much. I swear that girl is a walking around with a handful of thumbtacks stuck in her ass. I’m glad Andrea manages her well.

“Mr. Grey, Ros was looking for you earlier, and asked me to call her as soon as you got in. Are you in sir?”

“Yes, I am. But, I can go and find her for a change. You don’t need to call her,” I reply absentmindedly. Still worried that Ana didn’t call.

“There are a few business meetings you have sir and the first one starts within the next hour.”

“Before we jump into the meetings, whos and whats, I need to inform you of something. When I’m in the meetings, or someplace in the building, as I expect I need to be away from my office today. Should my girlfriend, Miss Anastasia Steele call, you are to find me immediately.”

“Yes, sir,” she says without any skip in her professionalism. I have of course told Anastasia’s name to her in the past.

“It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, who I’m speaking to. She comes first. The second she calls, you must find me. Got, it?”

“Yes, of course sir,” she replies.

“Alright, then. Give me the day’s agenda,” I say and she lists the contents of my schedule for the day. Once Andrea is gone, I go and find Ros in the building in her office which surprises her. She was expecting Andrea to call her to let her know. But, occasionally it’s good to keep your employees, and your right hand man or woman in this case to keep on their toes. Not a whole a lot shakes Ros. She’s been with me since the inception of my company, and knows me well. We dive into business, and I go over the numbers she’s dishing me out regarding the company GEH is going to liquidate. She also wants to discuss the proposals Mr. Ipkins and his team had presented.

Ross comes back with me to the meeting room, and we discuss the numbers we’ve analyzed with the finance team. By the time the numbers are crunched, and several of the team members sweated through their shirts under my scrutiny, it’s nearly noon already. I realize that Anastasia hasn’t e-mailed me back. I keep checking my Blackberry to no avail. Ros notices, but says nothing. Once the meeting is over, she asks, “Is everything alright, Mr. Grey? You seem to be preoccupied.”

“Yes, everything is fine,” I say brushing her off. “I have something to tend to in my office. I’ll see you at the lunch meeting,” I say and walk out leaving her staring behind me.

I type Anastasia a message on my Blackberry.

_______________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: crickets
Date: June 15, 2011 12:14
To: Anastasia Steele

I haven’t heard from you Anastasia. Please tell me that you are alright.

You know how I worry, and I don’t do well with worry.

I will send Taylor over to check on you.

X

Christian Grey
Over anxious CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_______________________________________________

I realize that my cell phone is running out of juice and give it to Andrea to charge it, and instruct her sternly again, should Anastasia call me, Andrea is to find me immediately.

“Has the lunch been catered?”

“Yes, everything is set sir; they’re waiting for you in the meeting room,” she says directing me to one of the meeting rooms in the same floor.

“Andrea, again, I’m expecting Miss Anastasia Steele to call me. Get me as soon as she calls.”

“Yes, sir, but you’ll be in a meeting sir with the Korean businessmen.”

I abruptly stop and turn on my heels.

“Do you think I fucking care? She calls, you get me! Understand?” Andrea blanches.

“Yes, sir, clearly,” she says as I shake my head, and Andrea opens the door, and I walk in.

When I enter into the room, everyone get up to their feet. Ros is already there with her assistant, and the two of the shipyard managers are here already. Good! My mind is still preoccupied with Anastasia. She hasn’t e-mailed me, and she hasn’t called me. It’s unlike her. What is going on? Is she running? Is she mad? I’m nervous about it and the gnawing feeling never leaves me. Right now, I am barely able keep myself occupied. I could just drive to SIP with Taylor. A few minutes into the meeting, I’m tapping my fingers under the tab. Andrea slowly opens the door to the meeting room, comes beside me.

“I apologize for the interruption Mr. Grey,” she says professionally. “I wouldn’t have interrupted, but there is an important matter that came up requiring your urgent attention, sir. May I?” she says and leans in.

“The phone call you were expecting just came in sir, and she’s on the line. Would you like to take it outside?” I nod my head solemnly.

“Gentlemen, I sincerely apologize. I must request your permission to attend an urgent matter. Please, enjoy the meal. I shall not be long. One of those things that comes unexpected. I will return shortly,” I say and leave the room. The faces of the Korean businessmen are one of displeasure. They think this is a disrespectful act, but right now, I don’t give a fuck! With a solemn face of a businessman who is attending a company emergency, I leave the room, and quickly make my way to my cell phone.

Why am I so fucking nervous? I take a deep breath, and compose myself, and disguising my shaky hands I take the phone.

“Are you okay?” I ask immediately.

“Yes, I’m fine,” she replies immediately, and I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“Christian, why wouldn’t I be okay?” she whispers, and there is calmness, and reassurance in her voice.

“I was worried, because normally you are so quick to respond to my emails. And after what I revealed to you yesterday, I was so worried,” I say relaying my concerns in a whisper.

Andrea comes up all wringing her hands flustered which is a new response from her as she’s always cool, calm and collected.

“Mr. Grey. Ros sent me just now, and she says the guests are going to leave, and they’re rather displeased. She was urgently requesting you to come back to the meeting. Could you come right now, sir?” she asks looking rather contrite with pleading eyes.

“Not now Andrea. Tell them to wait,” I say in a stern, no-nonsense voice. And she better fucking listen and do as I say.

“I would love to Mr. Grey, but Ros said they would only do business with you, and not the right hand ‘woman’” she said in a tone Ros would convey, as if the word ‘woman’ is a dirty lowly word. I feel exasperated.

“No! I said wait!” I hear my voice ringing in the office. Andrea turns puce, and unable to answer and just scuttles away as fast as she can. I guess she would rather deal with the Koreans than an angry Christian Grey.

“Christian, clearly you’re very busy. I only called to let you know that I’m alright, and I mean it. I’m just extremely busy today. Jack has been cracking the whip. Uhm...I mean, anyway...” she trails off, and I know the sounds. She’s blushing.

I feel a sense of calm wash over me. We’re okay! Thank God! She’s not mad at me. She’s not leaving. I even feel amused.

“Cracking the whip, eh? Guess, there was a time I would have called him a lucky man. But, don’t let him get on top of you baby,” I say joking.

“Christian!” she reprimands me raising her voice, and I’m grinning ear to ear.

But it’s short lived. I hate that fucker. “Just watch him, that’s all. Look baby, I’m so glad and relieved that you’re alright. What time shall I pick you up?”

“I’ll e-mail you the time,” she replies.

“Use your Blackberry,” I warn her immediately.

“Oh for the love of... Yes, Sir,” she replies snappish.

“Laters baby,” I finally say carefree, and completely relieved.

“Bye...” she says, but we seem to be hanging on the line, neither one willing to hang up.

“Hang up, Christian,” she say admonishing me, but somehow there is a pleasant tone in her voice.

I fucking hate this day away from her. My heart has been jumping for the last several hours. “I wish you’d never gone to work this morning, baby,” I say longing.

“I couldn’t agree more, but I’m quite busy. Hang up, Christian,” she says.

“No, you hang up,” I say smiling.

“Baby, we’ve been here before,” she says pausing, and I can imagine exactly what she’s doing.

“Stop biting your lip Anastasia,” I whisper. She gasps.

“See, you think I don’t know you Ana, but I know you far better than you think I do,” I murmur seductively knowing the full effect of my voice on her. She gives a stifled groan.

“Christian,” she whispers. “I’ll talk to you later, but right now, I really wish I hadn’t left this morning, too,” she says regretfully.

“I’ll wait for your e-mail Miss Steele,” I murmur.

“Have a good day, Mr. Grey,” she says hanging up.

In a far better mood, I quickly make my way to the meeting room as I find Ros and Andrea almost trying to corral the Koreans. It’s actually a funny sight, but I come into the room with full on command, and appease the businessmen.  And all is well in the universe once again since Anastasia called.

By the time Korean businessmen leave, we mutually agree to meet again. And because my mind wasn’t preoccupied with the thoughts of Anastasia leaving me, I was able to turn my charm full on, and put the meeting in the right track.

My Blackberry buzzes, and I look at it in hopes that it’s Anastasia, but it’s my little sister Mia.

“Christian!” she gushes greeting me.

“Hi Mia, what’s up?” I ask.

“You know what’s up! Your birthday, silly! And I want to throw you a birthday party at our parents’ house this Saturday. Well, you know Mom and Dad. They want everyone over to dinner to celebrate your birthday. But I think, they’re also very pleased to see you happy, and sort of show Anastasia off to the friends and family. But I don’t have Ana’s number. I was hoping you could give it to me, so I can invite her to your birthday party!” she says in one breath.

“Oh, Mia. You know I don’t like celebrating my birthday!” I say complaining.

“Christian, don’t rain on my parade! You’re my brother, and I want to do this for you! So, suck it up, and hand over Anastasia’s phone number,” she says in a no-nonsense tone. I sight, but smile at my little sister’s tenacity, and give Anastasia’s phone number at SIP.

“Mia, it’s great to talk to you, but I really have to go. I have ton of work to get through. Love you!” I say surprising Mia.

“Love you too, Christian!” she says after pausing, almost speechless, and we hang up. I dive back into work again. Finally knowing that Anastasia isn’t going to run out on me relaxes me tremendously, and I can focus on work.

In fact, by the time I managed to check my Blackberry, I’m happy to see that there is already a message from Anastasia.

_______________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: antediluvian
Date: June 15, 2011 16:10
To: Christian Grey

My Dear Mr. Grey,

I’m curious, when exactly were you intending to tell me? 

What shall I get for my old man for his birthday? Perhaps you would want some new batteries for your hearing aid?

Ax

Anastasia Steele
Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP
_______________________________________________

Seeing her message makes me completely happy and with an idiotic grin on my face, I type her a response.

_______________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: prehistoric
Date: June 15, 2011 16:19
To: Anastasia Steele

Miss Steele, you shouldn’t mock the elderly.

I am however glad that you are alive and kicking. I see that Mia has been in touch with you.

Guess you can get me batteries; they’re always come in handy.

I didn’t say anything, because I don’t really like celebrating my birthday.

X

Christian Grey
Deaf as a doorknob CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_______________________________________________

When I hit send, I realize that this is the first birthday I have a girlfriend. Hopefully a girlfriend who says “Yes,” to be my wife. Anastasia’s message dings back quickly.
_______________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: hmm
Date: June 15, 2011 16:23
To: Christian Grey

My Dear Mr. Grey,

I can imagine you pouting as you wrote your last sentence. You know what that does to me.

A xox

Anastasia Steele
Assistant to Jack Hyde, Commissioning Editor, SIP
_______________________________________________

I just realized that Anastasia has been using her work e-mail for all her e-mails. Exasperating woman!

______________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Rolling eyes
Date: June 15, 2011 16:28
To: Anastasia Steele

Miss Steele,

WILL YOU PLEASE USE YOUR BLACKBERRY!!!.

X

Christian Grey

Twitchy palmed CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_______________________________________________

When her responding message comes back, I notice with relief that it’s from her Blackberry. Why is it so hard for her to follow one simple instruction?
_______________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: inspiration
Date: June 15, 2011 16:32
To: Christian Grey

My Dear Mr. Grey,

You and your twitchy palms can’t stay away for long, can they?

I’m just too curious to know what Dr. Flynn would say about that?

But now I know exactly what to give for your birthday, and I hope it makes me sore...

;)

A x
_______________________________________________

What the fuck! Anastasia is either giving me a nervous breakdown, or a hard on! She is the only woman who can get me from cold to scorching hot in seconds, and get my heart racing like no one else. And I know some hard core kinky shit; but what I feel for her is more than anything I’ve felt for anyone ever before. I want her like I wanted nothing else, ever before.

______________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: angina
Date: June 15, 2011 16:37
To: Anastasia Steele

Miss Steele,

I don’t think my heart or my pants could stand the strain of another e-mail like that.

Behave.

X

Christian Grey
Twitchy palmed CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_______________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: trying
Date: June 15, 2011 16:41
To: Christian Grey

Christian, I’m currently trying to work for my very trying boss.

Please stop bothering me and being trying yourself.

It is your last email that nearly made me combust here.

X

PS: Could you pick me up at 6:30 please?

A x
_______________________________________________
From: Christian Grey
Subject: I’ll be there
Date: June 15, 2011 16:45
To: Anastasia Steele

Miss Steele,

Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Well, actually, I can think of a number of things that would give me greater pleasure – all of which involve you.

X

Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
_______________________________________________

Put that in your pipe and smoke it baby!

Taylor is in the corner of my office and trying to be a piece of furniture bein inconspicuous.

“We’re picking up Anastasia at 6:30 Taylor. I think I have some time to work out. Let’s go to the gym,” I say, and Taylor nods as we walk out of my office calling it the day.

******

Sonnet 43 - How do I love thee? Let me count the ways

by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

**********

Hi everyone! I kind of fell asleep after I got home, and got behind of posting. But better late than never. I haven't had time to put music in. I might make some changes tomorrow, but for now, at least I'm keeping my promise. I'm off to bed now. Good night all! 
This posting is dedicated to a little angel named ♥‿♥ James ❀◕ ‿ ◕❀