BOOK V
CHAPTER XII
THE DESCENT TO HELL IS ALWAYS HARD
“Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here”
Written above
the gates of Hell (Dante’s Inferno)
The
flight and the ride home be can be described in one word: charged.
“Come
on little man. Let’s put you to bed,” I pick Teddy up from Gail.
“He
is much too active to go to sleep, Mr. Grey. I think the trip sort of wore him
out.”
“He
is not the not the only one,” I murmur.
“Dinner
should be ready in an hour, sir,” she says as she walks towards the kitchen. I
hold my son in my arms tight and gently place his head on my shoulder. He has
this uncanny ability when he tries to slither out of my arms or tell me what he
wants simply with his body language. Of course, the first thing Teddy does is
to grab my hair.
“Hmmm.
I believe another haircut is in order, Mr. Grey.” Ana’s unexpected voice makes
me turn around. Her giving me a haircut brings forth delicious memories.
“As
much as I would love to take you up on that offer, you with a sharp object when
you’re still mad at me is not a good thing.” She isn’t sure if she should be
sore at my response. Not to mention, I’m still mad at her. Ana extends her arms
to take Teddy for bed who is now interested in my face.
I
lift Teddy up in the air. “This is my son!” I say in utter pride. I feel a déjà
vu moment.
“Careful,
Cristian! He’s so little!” Ana’s voice is anxious which is completely the
opposite of Teddy’s happy baby giggle that echoes in the room.
“He’s
his father’s son! He loves it! Don’t you son?” Of course, Teddy understands
none of it. He just wants me to entertain him. This has become his favorite game and a source
of Ana’s mild anxiety.
“Boys,
please!”
“Should
we make mommy happy, Teddy?” I ask him as I slightly toss him in the air. And
the happy baby giggle echoes again.
“Christian!”
“Alright,
alright,” I laugh out loud. “Mommy wins! Bedtime it is.” Ana and I take Teddy
to his bedroom. The only book he shows a lot of excitement when we read to him
is Goodnight Moon, the book we’ve read him every night ever since he was
brought home from the hospital.
Goodnight Moon
Ana wants to broaden his young horizons by
reading him The Tale of Peter Rabbit.
She shrugs.
“It
was my favorite. I’d like it to become one of his favorites.”
When
we lay our son to bed, he’s finally yawning, listening to the little hippo
which has the actual recording of the sounds of Ana’s heartbeat and the sounds
he would have heard when he was in her womb. Somehow, it makes him feel
comfortable immediately and his baby lids are drooping. As we exit our son’s
bedroom, I turn to Ana. The serious expression on my face says it all. But my
words make it clear.
“The path to
paradise, begins in hell”
Dante’s
Inferno
In the Shadows ~ Amy Stroup
“Now,
it’s your turn to tell me a real-life bedtime story.”
“Christian,
I don’t wanna talk about it!” she complains.
I
grab her by the waist and lift her on my shoulder. She stops at mid-shriek for
fear of waking Teddy.
“Our
bedroom, or shall I pleasure you helpless in our Playroom 2 to confess it all?”
I feel the excitement shudder run through her.
“Christian!”
I can feel her roll her eyes in the way she utters my name which earns her a
loud spanking on her ass.
“Not
bedroom or the Playroom 2. The library, please,” she says.
“If
you think I can’t fuck you seven shades Sunday in the library, you’re either
forgetful or naïve, Mrs. Grey!” The clatter on the counter and the subsequent
fumbling for a cleanup lets me know that Gail heard me.
I
turn the nob and kick the door closed after entering the library and lock it.
It’s Ana’s favorite room in the house. The warm rich red color of reclaimed
Brazilian rosewood from an old abandoned mansion invites you in to sit down,
almost embraces you. Having the wood re-sanded brought out the distinct
rose-like scent as if it’s early spring and roses are budding. There are
several leather sofas and chairs to invite you in to spend hours reading. It
has a balcony overlooking the Sound. Everything about this library says, come
and relax. The lighting is dim and controlled.
“Are
you going to put me down, Sir?” She
sounds amiable.
“I’m
thinking about it. Still not sure if I want to avoid giving you a form of punishment.” She
wiggles to slide down. I smack her butt again.
“Only
when I say, you can.” My warning is decisive. I don’t know if I can manage to
have full control because she scared me for her well-being so much. Her transgressions are many: Evading my
phone calls, leaving to meet Ella's pimp and his brother at the hospital which
I thought she was there as a patient, hiring a PI without talking to me… I
don’t know where to begin. I can get through to her, but she’s not gonna like
the way with which I get through. Well, she'll love it during, but will hate me afterwards. And I’m going to feel like
shit. Still undecided the course of action I wish to take, I let Ana slide down.
“Let’s
have it out in the open, Ana. Knowing how terrified I would be, why did you put
yourself in harm’s way? You’re not just Ana Grey, my wife, but you’re Teddy’s
mom! Forget about me, didn’t you even think of him? Do you have any idea how it would
affect him if anything happened to hurt you?” I try to hold the overwhelming
anxiety bearing down on me.
“There
it is!” Ana says.
“There
what is?” I shake my head questioning. Her hands lift up and gently hold my
face.
“I’ve
learned a lot from you. How to be cautious, to be safe, to plan, to learn to take control…”
“But
you had not taken control, Ana!”
“Alright, fine, therapy time.” Ana digs her cell phone out of her pocket, scrolls through the
contacts list and dials a number. When a
surprised voice answer after the second ring, I shake my head with a small
smile.
“Ana,
what a surprise to hear from you. Are you still in Detroit?” She’s put the
phone on speaker.
“No,
we’re back Dr. Flynn. But we’re having a slight problem. We really need to talk
to you now, if you are available.” Flynn charges me premium times two for the
unexpected phone calls, and it’s still pocket change for me. In the large pool
of very expensive shrinks, he’s the best therapist I’ve had who managed to become my friend. I motion my hand to take
the phone, put it on the table and lead her to sit on the beckoning leather
sofa. She sits cross legged facing the phone. I sit next to her.
“How
was the trip to Detroit?” Flynn asks. The single significant question that
opens the floodgates. After he hears the gist of what had happened in Detroit –
good and bad I might add, and Flynn listens and asks questions only to clarify
the story.
“I’m
very impressed, Ana,” he states once there is a pause, making me roll my eyes. Ana smiles. “How did you arrange
the PI, and how did you manage to locate the pimp?” he asks in his follow up question. I’m curious to find out
about that myself. She looks at me briefly and sighs.
“I
researched about various PIs and one struck me as very sharp, a former
detective who closed 93% of his cases. I also picked Detective Clark's brain on how to choose a good PI.”
“Jesus! So, you
just picked a P.I. out of the thin air!” What if he was douche and once he figured
out who she was, he used this information to harm us? Harm her?
Ana
sees the horrified look on my face.
“Christian,
I’m not an idiot!”
“It’s
not a matter of you being an idiot or not, Ana! You’re one of the smartest but
also the most stubborn, tenacious and a go-getter, headstrong woman I know. My
problem is you, being unwilling to understand that I have enemies, rivals,
people who wish to see me, or those I love harmed. That’s why it’s important
that you leave those things that may put you in harm’s way out of your ‘to do list’!”
“Why
can’t I protect you?"
"I pay Taylor very good money to do just that!" I bark.
"Christian, I'm not talking about bodyguarding you! Why do you insist suffering through your nightmare when it’s
all too simple to have a faceoff with the man who has the leading role in your
pain? You hurt, I hurt, remember?”
she softens her voice.
“If
I wanted to have a face-off with him, I would have done it long ago. I hated that man all my life more than anyone! More than Linc! Hell, until Hyde got in to our lives in his destructive ways, Detroit Willy was the reigning champion of my most hated list! What I’m
telling you is simply this: everything and everyone become inconsequential
when it comes to you and my son. If it's a choice between the possibility of you getting hurt and I continue to have nightmares till I die, I take the latter.”
“What
about your family, Christian?” Flynn’s disembodied voice rises from Ana’s phone
in a non-judgmental tone.
“I
love my family. But Ana is different. I’m different when I’m with her. I
cannot, under any circumstance handle it if she got harmed.” Ana’s hand finds
mine with sympathy as she turns to me and leans in.
“But,
Christian, you shouldn’t stop me because there is a remote possibility that
someone might hurt me for some grudge against you that I don't know about.” This statement
alone makes me angry, because the possibility is not remote; it’s all too real.
She’s been kidnapped, our baby had been kidnapped not long after he was born. The threat
is always present, and it has happened even though I had ample amount of precautions set in place. I
state all these concerns with utmost control that would make the devil proud.
“Christian,
I’ve taken all the precautions you find worthy. You and your security team gave me detailed
information about being safe in Detroit. I have
been safe. Studied the locations and I already knew that Detroit Willy was
incapacitated. I just didn’t know how badly, and when the PI went to the
hospital to arrange” she air quotes
the word, “the meeting, he found out that Willy was in and out of consciousness
and he could die any day, any hour in fact, keeping his secrets with him about
Ella, and perhaps forever damning to your nightmares. I could finally help you
with potentially freeing you from the nightmares!”
I
look at Ana silently. To free me from the nightmare I’ve had all my life, my
wife was willing to put herself in danger. I fucking adore her and yet I’m mad
at her for being so fucking reckless.
“You
could have been hurt!”
“There
was minimal risk, Christian. There was the PI who was supposed to provide part
of the bodyguarding, and I knew if I made sure that Sawyer didn’t get a chance
to alert you, he could be the primary bodyguard. I just didn’t count on Willy having a brother.” This she mutters. “I
don’t want you to make me this irreplaceable, easy to shatter part of your
life, like an object so that I don’t get to be a full partner in your life,” She
pleads.
“You
don’t want to be irreplaceable? Why don’t you just tear my heart out!”
“What
do you say to that, Christian?” Flynn directs his question to me, totally
ignoring Ana’s child-like response. I’m mad at both of them!
“Ten… nine… eight… seven… six… five… four…
three… two… one…” I count in my head, then exhale deeply.
“Clearly,
my wife forgets that she is a full partner in my life. Yet, she treats me as if
I don’t have a say in her safety. Why don’t you trust me, Ana? because I have
been dealing with enemies most my professional life. She didn’t. This is
something I have to teach her, but I can’t teach her anything if she doesn’t
believe there’s any real danger!” I scoff.
“I’m
sorry that I wasn’t clear Christian. I meant irreplaceable as in one of your art works, or like one of the
pieces in Louvre…” after seeing my poker face, she fumbles. “I don’t think I’m
making myself clear. It’s simply this: Don’t you understand that I’m trying to
prove you that I’m worthy of you, Christian! If I can’t be a full partner in
your life, then any woman can replace me.” Ana blurts out.
“What?!?”
“Ana,
you don’t have to try to prove your worth to me. I mean, isn’t it enough that I
went crazy when I found you hurt last year? You nearly lost our son! Isn’t one
trauma enough? You know why you’re important to me?” I fully turn to face her.
She shakes her head, ‘no’.
“Every
woman who occupied that room in Escala and was in my life for a time, only gave
me empty pleasure.”
“If
you gave them the chance, they could show you their love as well. How am I
different if I can’t be your full partner in marriage?” She retorts, goading
me.
“No.
What those women had seen in me are a few things: mystery, great sex, a wealthy
man. They had a need to be dominated and I had a need to dominate. I fulfilled my
need to be dark and their most
passionate desires. I was a drug for them. But they’ve all been replaceable. Fantastic
pleasure can still be empty pleasure. You already know that about them, Ana.
We’ve talked about this a long time ago.” She ignores what I’m trying to say
and devalues herself.
“What
about me, then? Just fantastic pleasure with a little more intrinsic value?” she asks
fervently.
“Ana,
why would you define your value with Christian in such terms?” Flynn asks.
“I’m
not defining, I’m asking.” She retracts.
“I
believe you have come to that conclusion, because you want him to validate the answer
you have in your head.” He follows up. Ana closes her eyes.
“I
don’t know if that’s what I’m thinking, Dr. Flynn. Truthfully, Christian is
exceptionally good at showing a poker face when it comes to his emotions. But,
somehow, when I want to do something important to help him, he does not control
those emotions. It makes me think that I’m an expensive artifact that he
doesn’t want scratched, chipped, or broken. I don’t want kid gloves.”
“Anaaa,”
Flynn’s voice is fatherly, gentle. “You want Christian to control his emotions
when he finds you by the bedside of his mother’s former pimp, and if I were to
put it in your words, ‘the man who had
the leading role in his pain’ and the source of his nightmares?” Flynn
calmly asks.
“But
isn’t it what you teach Christian, to control his emotions? Wouldn’t it be
helpful if he practiced that until he fully understood what exactly was
happening?” She almost shouts towards the phone.
“Jesus
Christ!” I mutter as Ana ignores me, rolling her eyes.
“Ah…
You misunderstand what it is I teach Christian. I don’t teach him to control
his emotions. Emotions can’t be controlled; they’re channeled. If they are not
channeled properly, the individual pays for it, one way or another. I help Christian
understand those emotions. My primary job is to help him become aware of what
it is he is feeling, oooor,“ he
drawls, “as he has done for years, what he was trying to avoid feeling. He told
you how destructive he was as a teenager.” Ana closes her eyes, and I read her
lips silently whispered two words: “Oh
nooo!”
Flynn
continues, “Ana, we can’t avoid feelings without facing the consequences. Christian
already knows how to keep the disruptive emotions and impulses in check which
in return helps him maintain control over his actions.”
“He
would not have let me go had he knew I was going to see mm…” she stumbles on
her words, “Mr. Detroit Willy. You say that emotions can’t be controlled, but
what about my emotions, my need to, desire to protect my husband? Sometimes it
takes calculated risks to accomplish something significant, and I have
accomplished that!” she says with a slight pride in her voice.
I
hold my hand up.
“Alright.
Since you made this enormous effort and had indeed shown me that pimp is really
a helpless feeble man, I’m willing to put feelings, fears or concerns for you aside for
the time being. Tell me the whole story.”
After
a deep sigh and inhale later, she says:
“After
seeing the prospect that his brother might be seriously hurt, Willy was talkative. Well, as talkative as a dying man
can be. Maybe he wanted to be absolved of his sins; or at least, if you believe
the small cross tattooed on his neck.” She shakes her head and continues.
“Anyway,
he told me that Ella was a runaway teen. I’m not sure if she was trying to find
herself or experienced problems at home. But she was gone at seventeen with her
boyfriend. She got pregnant with you at eighteen and her teenage boyfriend got scared of the prospect of becoming a young dad I
suppose, and she was had no choice but to come back to her parents. But she didn’t tell
them she was pregnant. At first, she hid it, but then she told her mom. Once
the dad found out, they gave her two options: either have an abortion or get
kicked out of their home. She was in her first trimester, so they thought an
abortion could be easy to accomplish. I guess they hoped she would change her
reckless ways and go back to school. You know the option she chose and the
consequence.” she starts. Thousands of images go through my mind. Ella made the
choice to have me even if it meant she became homeless. Why then did she become
such a shitty mom?
“It
still doesn’t tell me if she had me while she was still living with her parents.
They could have changed their minds.” I ask hopefully. Everyone deserves a
second chance. She shakes her head ‘no’.
“When
Ella was adamant in not aborting you, she was also adamant that she wouldn’t
give you up for adoption. So, her parents thought she made her bed, let her lay
in it. She had to leave. Even if the parents were bluffing or showing tough
love to see things their way when things got tough, she made a choice and left
for Detroit on a bus. She may have been on a quest to show them off – you know
her choices would be better than theirs. But as soon as she got off the bus,
she was accosted by a pimp who recruits such young woman – beautiful but with
no family looking for them. Young, beautiful and vulnerable; just the way they
like them.” I don’t even realize my hands are clenched hard until my nails dig
enough to hurt.
“Was
it Willy?” I hiss my question.
“Someone
working for him; his recruiter. Promised her a job, a place to stay which she
desperately needed. She was too naïve, and he was very good at his job. They
didn’t find out she was pregnant until she started showing after almost six
months.”
“She
accepted being a whore right off the bus while pregnant?” I have little control
over my anger.
“Christian,
let her tell the story, and reserve your judgement after you heard the whole
thing,” Flynn’s voice tries to calm me down.
“The
recruiter didn’t say he was running a whoring agency, Christian. He accosted
her with a prospect of low rent and possible employment. When the employment” she air quotes again,
“didn’t pan out, and the rent, food, and minor expenses was paid by this supposed
new friend, he broke her mentally and physically down into her new profession.
Usually women who refuse are gang raped. Made feel inferior. Drugged. That way,
they’re totally dependent on their pimp.” Ana stops for a minute and inhales. I think this is exactly what Ella went through.
“I
have to confess; I didn’t just do this for you. Ella was a woman. A teen mom,
all alone, or she thought she was all alone. She was in the hands of predators.
Even if she was strong enough to leave that lifestyle, Willy said they
had severe punishments for women who tried to run away from their pimps, and almost nobody cares if a prostitute
is killed. Willy’s hold on her was you. He said that almost all prostitutes who
have kids turn the kid over to Child Protective Services. Ella wanted to keep you.
So, he drugged and threatened her that the moment she even thought of running
away or go to another pimp, he’d make sure you were taken away. After I heard
all of that, I was even more convinced that her honor needed to be rectified as
a woman.”
“I
should have killed him!” I shout and the crystal vase we’ve purchased in Paris
is smashed against the wall. Fifteen seconds later, there’s a knock on the door.
“Is
everything okay, sir?” Taylor asks on the other side of the door.
“Yes,
Taylor, it is,” Ana replies in a kind voice.
“Are
you sure?”
“Yes,
just have Gail come in half an hour with the broom, please,” she replies.
"Ma'am."
“Christian,
I want you to come to my office tomorrow,” Flynn’s voice chimes in along with
my security detail.
Ana
comes closer. “Christian. There are a few things you need to know. Ella loved
you and fought to keep you despite all her weaknesses.”
“Maybe
she should have given me up!”
“Or
maybe she just couldn’t trust the world where all she trusted turned their backs
on her. First the boyfriend, then her parents, and then the pimp. You were all
she had.” Ana defends her.
“Don’t
you get it Ana? It doesn’t matter that I’m all she had. She was high most
the time to even realize I existed. I, a 4-year-old child took care of her! She
gave up in the end! After all she fought for, she accepted defeat!” There’s
nothing but understanding and sympathy in Ana’s eyes.
“Christian,
you were her weakness. She couldn’t give you up, but she couldn’t provide you
with a decent, normal life, either. In fact, Ella attempted to run three times. The
pictures she sent to her family was her effort to go back to them with her tail
tucked in. But her pimp squashed it when they came looking for her. He told
them that -excuse me for this, ‘the whore
is dead’. They were going to look for you which wasn’t good for Willy’s business.
So, he said, ‘why do you think the bitch
is dead? Because she was a piece of shit mom and didn’t take care of her kid.
He died, she killed herself.”
“And
they bought it?” I am completely incredulous.
“At grief so deep, the tongue must wag in
vain; the language of our sense and memory lacks the vocabular of such pain.”
Dante’s
Inferno
“They
must have, because of how she fought with them to keep you. So, she, never got
to see her parents after she left them. Ella was kept in utter desperation. She
was a slave to her addictions and to her pimp. As long as she was alive, the
pimp would use your existence as a leverage against her. The only way she could
find to give you a shot at a normal life out of her own miserable one was to
take herself out of your life. That’s why she killed herself, Christian! An
ultimate act of maternal love.”
“What?”
I can’t recognize my own voice. Shaken to the core with realization that in all
her shitty parenting, she really loved me. Yet, I caused her death.
“Christian,
you were the only thing that was pure and right in her life. You were the love
child, puppy love at that, but love
nevertheless. You were the culmination of her hopes and dreams.”
“I
was her Achilles heel! She could have had a normal life away from pimps, and
johns and drugs had she aborted me…” Ana interrupts.
“She
could have also given you up for adoption once you were born. This isn’t on
you, Christian! Ella wanted you, like any mom who looks forward to the day she
holds her baby in her arms. She made that choice willingly, but when she was
trapped in drugs - mainly heroin, and
prostitution, she could only think one way to save you.”
“No!
no. no. no.” First, I freeze in place, then I have an uncontrollable shaking take over me. Ana rushes to me and hugs me as tight as she can. My arms don’t
cooperate with me to hold her back.
Unsteady - X Ambassadors
“Christian,
listen to me,” Flynn says firmly. “If Ella was addicted to heroin, whether she
had you with her or not, she was already in the clutches of destruction. You
know all about addictions. Heroin is stronger than any human tie, any
compelling argument, and stronger than any devout religious belief that the
addict holds dear. It’s as if the addicts are possessed. They have very little to no
capacity to care. Their perception of reality is gone. If Ella had a moment of
clarity, she would have realized that. For her to keep you with her in that
environment had more negative effects on you than anything else you've experienced afterwards. As
for you being aborted or not: There are babies born to teen mothers every day.
Those children can very well, go on to live happy lives if the mom has support, or
if the baby is adopted by another family. She made choices like we all do every
day. We don’t get to blame others. You don’t get to bear the burden of her
choices. She paid for it fully, so you can have a life. Would it any way be
honoring her if you toss that away?” Words leave me. I must be in shock.
“Christian,
talk to me please! Christian!” She holds my face in her hands and looks at me.
I just look through her.
“Christian!
Look at me! Eyes, baby! Christian! Dr. Flynn, he can’t stop shaking!” shouts
Ana, her voice distant. She lightly taps my face with both hands.
“Look
me, baby!” she orders, the bossy thing.
“Ana!”
with that authoritative call of her name, he gets her attention.
“Yeah!”
she says full of attention.
“This
is perfectly normal. He’s had a lot to take in, and even for a tough guy like Christian, it’s overwhelming. He’s grieving right now. Give him time. I’ll be
there soon,” and he hangs up. How rude!
“Christian!”
and she climbs up on my lap, and just locks her lips with mine. Softly first,
then almost goading me to take charge, forcefully pulling me up from the depths
my soul sunk in, she kisses hard, sucking my lower lip, grazing with her teeth.
Her delicious scent permeates my senses. She pushes my hands to my back
effectively taking the upper hand. That snaps something inside me and awakens.
I
move like a cobra, lift her up and flip her on her back on the sofa,
effectively pinning her down.
“Topping
from the bottom again, Mrs. Grey?” I murmur into her lips. Sex has always been my coping mechanism.
“Welcome
back,” she whispers, and wraps her legs around my waist. I grab her arms and
pin them above her head.
“Mrs.
Grey, I’m gonna fuck you seven shades of Sunday!” I effectively pin her under me and expertly move my pelvis on her sex.
She can only moan in response.
There’s
a loud knock on the door.
“What!?!”
I bark.
“Mr.
Grey, there’s an important matter that needs your attention.” What could be so
important right now?
“My
office!” I order.
"Sir," is Taylor's response.
“You
promised seven shades!” Ana protests.
“Rain
check for later, baby. I’ll make it worth your while for waiting,” I say
gently.
“Christian?”
her utterance of my name is loaded with worry, concern, and mad only in the way a woman who didn’t get the seven shades of Sunday sex she is promised. That
edge makes me smile.
“You
know, I always keep my word, baby. Besides, Flynn should be here soon. Okay?”
“Okay,”
she acquiesces after she sees that I’m back in control. As I reach the door,
she calls out to me, again.
“Christian!”
I look back.
“You
are most of all… l’amor che move il sole e alter stele,” she quotes from Dante’s
Paradiso. This time my smile has warmth.
“On
the contrary Mrs. Grey, you are the love
that moves the sun and the other stars. I never thought I’d identify with all
these men tortured by love. Dante, Heathcliff, or even Darcy. You are my
Beatrice, Catherine, Elizabeth all bundled in one. My Anastasia.” With that she
runs to me, more like jumps me to kiss me with all she got.
***** ❦ ♡ ❧ *****
“A
rapid bolt will rend the clouds apart,
and every single White be seared by wounds.
I tell you this. I want it all to hurt.”
and every single White be seared by wounds.
I tell you this. I want it all to hurt.”
Dante Alighieri, Inferno
Two
minutes later, I’m in my office.
“I
just received a text, sir,” Taylor starts without a preamble. I look at the
name, and I don’t recognize it. Pierce the S.
“Who
is Pierce?” I ask.
“Mrs.
Lincoln’s uh… new friend.”
“You
called me here, away from my wife for Elena's sake?” Now, I’m really angry.
“Mr.
Grey. Read the text, please."
*Mr. Taylor. Mrs. Lincoln said you are aware of me. I was only to contact you in life and death situations. I think this counts as one: Someone purposely hit her car on the driver's side this afternoon & she's hanging on to life by a thin thread. Help!*
There is a picture of Elena attached to the message looking worse than when Linc beat the shit out of her. Fuck!
